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Ok I have a question, I am asking this for some tools, and I really need some help.
For those of you who have/ had children: What do you tell them when their parent (the "A") doesn't come home because the "A" is out drinking/using? And what do you tell them when the "A" finally does come home and is drunk?
I have 3 young children and (6,3, and 2) and the older two are starting to ask questions. I have read alanon books regarding this. I also have told my children that Daddy is sick and as much as I think they can understand. But any tools I can get I would appreciate.
I am was not sure if I was going to go through with the post or not, because a few times I have been ridiculed about staying with my "A" and how that affects my children. This is my choice to stay, and I am doing the best I can with what I have, but I want to know if I can do more!
-- Edited by Dolphin123 at 15:15, 2005-08-09
-- Edited by Dolphin123 at 15:16, 2005-08-09
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
well this sounds like something I will be going through in a few years. My "A" and I have a 2 year old and I am pregnant with our next. I, of course, dont know exactly what your going through but I have wondered about this very question for 2 years now. "What will I tell him, when he asks about Daddy?" I guess I will never know until it happens but for now I "Plan" to tell him the truth and explain the disease to him. I will even start taking my kids to meetings with me when they are old enough. I wish one of my parents had been sober when I was growing up and would have taken me to meetings. I think that would have saved me a lot of co-dependency issues, and if we had been aloud to talk about it, I would have realized that it is a disease and I wouldnt have blamed my parents so much and had so much resentment towards them for so many years. If I can help that from happening to my kids I will do anything. And my "A" is a wonderful father who loves our son very much and I know he would do anything to keep him from going through what we both went through as kids. I hope you find your answers and I know how hard some of these decisions about our childrens best interest can be. But being an adult child that has been in this situation before, I would have really appriciated some honesty from my parents, if that helps at all.
Oh and dont let people tell you that your not a good mother because you are with your "A". You are a great mother because you are worried about how this will affect your kids. They will turn out "right" just knowing that you love them as much as you do.
My boys are older and they have absorbed so much without me saying anything that is sad. This year when I was ready to admit that my husband is an A, I explained to my 14 year old that my A is sick, he has a disease, he is the only one that can get better but he has to want to get better, we can only love him and set good boundaries. He seems to understand that by being there when my husband's friend passed away this last weekend, he asked his step dad, "do you need a hug?" my A just nodded. They hugged and my A just broke down and wouldn't let go. I found that all the years of denial did nothing but foster ill feelings, honesty has helped the boys and I get closer and real with them.
I would tell as much of the truth as you think they can handle. Trying to pretend that nothing is wrong doesn't work, the kids just learn not to trust their instincts and their own senses. This leads to making bad decisions later in life. I said a lot of "I don't know" when my kids were small. My husband's work kept him from any regular schedule anyway, so there were no "Why isn't Daddy home for supper?" type questions. I tried to be honest, but not dwell too much - sort of like the way you are told to tell them about sex - don't give more information than they ask for, but answer questions honestly. When they were older, say 9 and 7, I would be very honest, from necessity. If I knew my husband would be reeling when he got home, I would tell them to stay in their rooms after they were put to bed, no matter what. "Don't worry if you hear Mommy and Daddy having a fight, it's nothing to do with you guys, just try to sleep". They need one sane parent, you need to be that parent.
As for criticism for staying while you have kids - this is why we are told not to give advice in alanon. If you are afraid to talk about things here, in what should be the one safe place, then you are not being helped. No one knows what is best for you, and if we give you advice which you are not ready to take, even if it is the best advice in the world, we are not doing you any good. I stayed, and while my kids were definitely affected, they also still really love my husband, and have an understanding of his disease, from living with it. Now that they are much older, and he is sober, I have talked to them about my decision to stay. They have both said that they are glad I did. No one really knows your situation but you. The more you yourself recover, the better your decisions will be.
Wether you stay with your A or not is no ones business but yours. It is your life and your relationship and no one has the right to judge you.
You are showing that you are a good mother by trying to help your children deal with Alcoholism.
I have six children ages 18 months to 18 years. I have found that honesty is the best way to handle things. I try and do it in an age appropriate manner. The kids see what goes on. I have encouraged my older kids to attent youth children of A's groups and my 7 year old is in a group for children his age in his school. We try and keep the lines of commiunication open, and the one thing I am not willing to bend on and my children are reminded often, is NEVER drive in the car with Daddy unless Mommy says it is okay. This is a safety issue.
Thanks to all that replied, I guess I needed some reasurance, and you all gave me that. At times I doubt my decission to stay, but unless personal safety of the safety of my children becomes a problem I will not cross that bridge until I come to it.
I will carry your words with me.
Thank you all again.
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I have to saythat I regretted my decison to stay with my A. I had three kids with him and really there is not too much the A can remember about the "cute things they did". We were together 10 hellish yrs.... I told myself that because he did not hit the kids or yell at the kids, that I was doing a good job of protecting. Like protecting kids is NORMAL?? They were so young that I really thought saying, "Daddy is sick (drunk)", was okay. After the marriage ended we moved 2800 miles away. I removed as much of him as I could from them. Today, BOTH of my sons have problems with drinking. My middle son is currently in jail from alcohol related crimes, while my youngest child and son, tows the line...so to speak. He knows that he does not tolerate drinking well adn that he is a JERK when he drinks. He rarely does it anymore. He will be 21 this month. That's right, he started drinking at age 14.... His brother i njail will be 23 this month also. My daughter, the eldest has serious emotional problems. She has been "checked in" numerous times and has a 2 yr old of her own. She married and divorced an alcoholic. Her ex is not drinking AT THE MOMENT, but wenever she has a "problem" I have my grandson. I wouldn't trade him for all the gold in Fort Knox, but it is not easy either.
I feel that I did harm to my kids by just EXPOSING them to their dad's behavior/illness, whatever you want to call it. I did not do them any favors and in many ways they try to blame me now for the problems they have...... I work hard EVERY DAY to not feel guilty for whatever they are going thru. I tell myself that I was put on this earth to have HIS children. Otherwise some alcoholic in a bar would be a mother to his kids.....who knows if there are more out there? I wish you well in your decision. It IS your decision. It is a hard one to make. Love, mamasan
