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some of you have read that my A is back to drinking. I have been doing some soul-searching, and I'm glad that he is gone. I am enjoying my peace. My daughter and her family were here today, and I really enjoyed them. My son called, worried. I guess they were quite surprised at my serenity.
Thanks to Alanon, and what I have learned on this board, no more panic attacks (so far anyway). Before, when this happened, I made myself a wreck,put myself through H---. Now, I have let go, and let God.
I hadn't been to a meeting for a very long time. I was sooo glad that was the topic when I got there. I had kinda forgotten the 'let God' part.
I was talking to his daughter tonight. She called to see if I had heard from him. I reminded her he never calls this soon. All he thinks about is his next drink. She had been here visiting when he left. She's pretty hurt about it. Anyway, today the thought had struck me that this is the first binge since he has been on Insulin. He didn't take any of his meds with him. We didn't know what to do. We know that alcohol can lower your blood sugar, and he hardly eats when he's drinking. I babysat him for too many years, too many binges.I'm giving him to God.
He'd call me after a few weeks to come get him, he was tired of it and wanted to come home. The difference last time, was that I felt so sorry for him, knowing he hadn't eaten, so I decided to surprise him with a meal. ( It's over 60 miles, round trip). Well, I was the one that ended up getting the surprise!! He had female company! Young, beautiful, sexy...
I asked him before he left if it was worth it, because this time, I AM NOT taking him back. It's funny, I'm not even mad, actually feel relieved. No more wondering when he'll fall off the wagon again. I really don't care. He knew what he was doing when he bought the vodka and beer.
Now I can start a new life on my own. Only myself to take care of, and I plan to do a darn good job of it for a change! Thanks for listening, and please pray that I'll find the strength to keep on my new path, Love TLC
Hold that thought tlc, he will be back to try again,just like boomerangs they keep commin back.Isn't it amazing when we know were DONE don't have to call anyone , or talk it over its just one of those things that happen , you know. I wish you luck and hope u continue with meetings it takes a while to recover from this disease and you don't have to do it alone anymore. Take care of you . Louise
It sounds like you are working your program and it is working :) I too forget about letting go and letting god at times. My emotions take over still. It is a process for us and I think the more we try the better we get at it. Even though my daughter is the alcoholic in my life, I can relate with you. She has been binge drinking. I found out today that she lost her purse the last time she had a blackout. Her medication for her depression was in it. She hasn't had her medication for 4 days. I just listened and said she could call the doctor on monday for samples. Said it like a passing comment like I would to a friend. I really wanted to yell and scream and say why didn't you call the doctor before the weekend! :)Well, she is a big girl and knows how to get to ER if she needs help just like your husband. I didn't even mention that part to her. They do need to take responsibility for themselves no matter what age don't they? I do wish you the best and look forward to more posts from you. your friend in recovery,,cdb
My prayers are with you for strength and guidance to get through this...... As you, I let my daughter go and I anticipate that it is not going to be good having the influence of her Dad who is not and probably will never be in recovery-- but who knows, miracles happen everyday AND that would truly be a miracle. I wanted to just say that I'm sure he'll be back, as some other response had indicated, just as I'm sure there is going to be a time that my daughter may want to come back and as difficult as it is to think about it right now I KNOW that I will not allow it. It's in God's hands completely-- I've done all that I possibly can to help her and guide her with healthy resournces-- God, church youth groups, psychologists, school counselors, doctors, friends, extensive treatment programs. She has ALL the resources she could possibly had available to her over the last 9 years. Now I am comfortable with letting go. Someone said something on another topic that sticks in my mind--- I let her go to keep her. :) I couldn't have said it more clearly and with greater words. Ultimately, letting her go shows I love her because that is her choice and I am at peace with that.
Recovery loves company!!! My A said this morning that he is leaning towards divorce. All I could do was let go. He has not only moved out, picked up addictions like computer games/movies/smoking (and I know the women will follow), and basically layed all his anger on me. So I went on a long run. My higher power said this is enough of the threats and you don't have to live like that Nancy.
So let's support each other in cyberspace. I know you will find the strength to take care of yourself.
I can really feel your resolve, it is inspirational, good for you. It is so liberating to make your mind up. In a very clear way, we too hit our bottoms! Congradulations!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank-you everyone!! It sure feels good to know I have a support network here, someone to turn to, talk to or just vent. I haven't had that for many years.
There is no doubt in my mind at all that he will try to come back. He always has, I always had taken him back, no matter what he did to me.
I started a new diary and titled it: 'new beggining'. I have been listing the days one by one, how I feel, the advantages of being alone..After I started writing, it made me feel so good. Tonight, I even feel better, although I still get a twinge once in a while. Guess that's normal after being together 24/7 for 7 years ( we worked together too).
For 7 out of 8 years, he would go on a really big binge to his cottage in the summer. The last few years I wouldn't have anything to do with him when he was there. Last summer was the 1st time he didn't go there and we went on vacation together to a place I wanted to go for years. I was going without him, guess that scared him, and he stayed sober and went with me.
This year, I think I'll pack up the camper and go to another place I wanted to return to some day. Only this time, he won't even know about it.Too bad gas is so darn expensive!!! It's OVER $5.00/gal here!!!!!
So far, I have been feeling really good about this, but I KNOW I will start to miss him, I'm praying for the strength to stick to it this time. I just have to remind myself of all the bad parts, even when he was sober. Maybe I'll make a list in my diary. Aren't 'putors great? No erasing, you can change anything...hmmm, you can change your life too, when you put your mind to it. If I can just keep the emotions at bay..
Thanks again so very, very much for your kind words and encouragement. Don't worry, I'll keep coming back, I've never met so many wonderful people in one place in my life!! Thanks, with much love and appreciation for you great people, TLC
