The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
HI all, I told you that my daughter Raini is pg. She is 30 and on her way to get her masters to teach at a university.
She met a young man, very cute, looks a lot like her father who died when she was 4. He also is an alcoholic, 22, already had dui, lost jobs, evicted, black outs, you say a red flag his disease has done it.
My daughter is very independant but really loves this guy. I knew in time she would have enough and tell him to leave her alone. She really wanted to do this, the marriage and kid and all. But saw he was not going to be there. But she kept trying. Sadly he got drunk the other night, did the whole he is not good enough, she is not good enough bs.
She said something clicked and she has had enough. I knew this would happen. I told her a long time ago when she got sick of it, that would be that.
So she calls me and tells me she broke up with him, is quitting her job to go to another one, getting a car and then taking a year to find a graduate school she likes.
Then says she is getting a medical abortion tuesday. )c: I support her choices, she is an adult. I don't condone it though. I cannot control it. Inside I am tortured. Told her seriously I would love to raise it. Told her we could co parent.
I am having nightmares about it and find it so hard to wake up in the morn thinking about anything else. To me this is my little girl being born again I mean her baby is her, her dead father my dead husband, my mother, me, grampa and grama...I cannot stand the thought of not seeing it and watching her/him grow. Loving it and showing it creation.
I have lost so much, now I am scared I will lose my grandbaby too. I have told her how serious I am but I have not told her the scope of it all. She does not know this is tearing me apart inside. i don't want to influence her and for her to do anything out ' of guilt.
We moms put guilt trips on our kids when we walk into a room. i mean we are not even doing it but they find it!!
I wrote her a letter putting everything I feel down to get it out. I had to. Have not sent it yet. Should I? I feel like I don't want any regrets. If I don't tell her, I will have regrets i didn't.
Should i send it?
May I ask you to pray for her to please give me the baby? It would be the most awesome gift I can imagine. I have asked her to have a baby for me since 1999. I want to raise another kid, teen the whole thing. NOTHING is more important to me than my kids.
My A called me today. Was nice to talk to him. He was drunk but it did not matter. I was glad he called. It was actually fun to put my alanon skills to work. Thought about you all a lot. He repeated himself, I said do you realize you already told me that? He said yes, then went on to something else.
It is interesting how he will bring stuff up from six years ago. Still says he cannot live here becuz of the animals. How he had to feed them and the feed, blah blah. I made more money than him, he never bought a grain of feed, and he never had to feed, but chose to.
I see the A makes up his own little fantasy as to what makes him do what he does.
I missed my sober husband, yet this was ok. I knew when to ignore and knew what I wanted to say. All from what i learned right here.
He asked how I would feel about him living in the rental next door. I told him as long as he had a job, any job, even part time i was ok with it. I told him I did not want him to feel he was living off me so he would have to pay some money for rent. I do not want him depressed. But that is up to him. No job, he cannot be there. I won't support him.
It made me feel even better today that he called. I like that. I hope he cont. to do that. He seemed real proud of himself too. What a goof.
All i know is he is my husband and i made vows and thank hp for alanon so i can still love and be with him. It may not be conventional but I will take what is given!
It is a rough marriage, but all that i have learned and am learning, I cannot put a price on.
Oh Debilyn, you are the most loving person in the world!! I know that baby would make you so very, very happy. BUT..your daughter has to do what is right for her. I hope she has given herself time to really think it over, it's a decision she will have to live with the rest of her life. I had a medical abortion when I was 17.(I wasn't physically able to go through the pregnancy). I had been hit by a truck when I was 15 and was told I could never have children. Of course, I figured it could never happen to me!(the pregnancy) I was a very immature 17. Even though it was a medical thing, I still have so much guilt over it, and guess I always will!
I did end up getting healthier than the doctors ever thought I would, and had two beautiful children who I appreciate so very, very much. HP must have been able to forgive me, even though I couldn't. I thank him every day for all the blessings He has given me. I have three beautiful grandchildren, the youngest only a week old. I have been truly blessed.
I don't know if this share will help you, but know that I am praying freverently for you and your daughter. Love TLC
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to support an adult child in a decision that goes against everything we believe in. The unconditional love for our children gives us so much joy and can also give us so much pain.
Terminating a pregnancy is something that once done cannot be undone. It is a decision to be thought through carefully from all sides. While it is her child and her body, and she must make the choices herself, the baby is a part of you as well, and I believe your opinions should be heard. The choice will ultimately be hers, but she will have all sides to contemplate.
I got pregnant with my youngest daughter while I was on the pill. I had been given an antibiotic for blood poisening that had made the pill not work, and did not realize it. I had two very young children, we where having very bad money problems, and marital problems. I was devestated to learn I was pregnant. Much as I hated the thought of an abortion, and considered it wrong, I felt desperate and had considered it to the point of making an appointment at the local clinic. I had confided in a very old and dear friend of mine, my fears and my decision. I had told her that as much as it would hurt, I felt that it was my only option.
She was supportive, and did not try to talk me out of it. Two days later a package was delivered to me, it was the photo book, "A Child is Born". The book was full of picures of babies in utero, at different stages of development. I was about 10 weeks along and there was a bookmark in the page showing a baby at that stage of development. On it my friend had written, "Jeannie, take a good look at what your baby looks like, follow your heart." I was so upset, I cried and then cancelled my appointment. She told me she knew I would regret it and wanted me to be very sure. My daughter is 14 and wonderful and I thank God for her every day, I still have the book, that literally saved her life. Maybe someday I will share it with her. My friend would have supported me no matter what I did, but she had to make sure I was sure. I love her dearly for it.
I think you should give the letter to your daughter. She knows you love her and will support her decision, but at least you know that before she does something she can't undo, she has all the facts and all the options.
I am so sorry to hear about this terrible situation your family is in!
As the mother of a twenty year old I can tell you that I understand your misgivings about giving an adult child advice, especially one not living with you.
However, I strongly believe that parents have the moral right and obligation to tell their children in no uncertain terms when they think they are making a mistake.
When it becomes a problem is when parents try to nag a grown child into TAKING thier advice, it is not wrong for a loving and concerned parent to GIVE advice.
I have several friends who tell me that they had abortions in their younger years...and then later married and had children in thier marriage. They shared with me the fact that with the birth of each child their former abortion haunted them to no end. They had nightmares, and could not fully enjoy the experiencee due to gut wrenching guilt. Each milestone their baby met was tainted by feelings of sadness and guilt...
During a breakup of a long term relationship is no time to make drastic decisions such as this.
I could not imagine the pain of my daughter killing her own baby...I will pray for you. I know that abortion rights activists want us to use euphenisms such as "ending a pregnancy" and "termination of a pregnancy" but I am having none of that. This reminds me of the sick sick sick game my husband plays (remember he is a SICK man). He has ordered us not to use the words "alcoholic", "alcohol", "drunk" or "beer". Instead, this sick man insists we use euphenisms like "recreation", "liqued refreshment", "down time", and "me-time", rather than use truthful words. I won't play his sick denial game...let him live in a fantasy world...I will not. A sick drunk is a sick drunk by any other name.
The law of the land says that women have the right to kill their babies. Alright then, that is the law, but we don't have to play sick little word games about this fact, women DO have the right to kill their babies before they are born in this country.
Abortion rights activists have pushed hard for people to play these word games so that the actual act is downplayed. Women live in denial many times while going through with it, and reality does not strike them until later. If women are going to kill their unborn babies, let them do it with their eyes open to the horrible reality of what they are doing, let them make a truly informed decision. If they are Ok with killing their own babies before they are born, then let that be on THEIR conscience.
Maybe you can suggest that your daughter give the baby up for adoption? To a loving family that she knows will cherish the baby and care for it? There are now lots of "open" adoptions where the birth mother can choose the new parents. They can really get to know them and spend time with them during the pregnancy and make sure they are good people.
Although I understand your feelings about wanting to raise this baby, I also understand why your daughter may have a hesitation. She may be worried about where her place will be in the baby's life. Will she make it clear she is the "mom"? Or will she play the role of big sister? Will the child resent her for not wanting to raise her?
There are a lot of long term concerns with this type of arrangement...
My daughter does not know her biological father, my first husband, and I can assure you that I have given her enough love for two parents and then some. Few children have been loved, pampered, and cherished as much as my daughter has been. All of this effort could not wipe out the terrible hurt, anger, and pain she has harbored against her father. She just has had a terrible time getting over the rejection that she suffered when we got divorced and he washed his hands of her and never paid a dime in child support. You never know how children will feel about their parents handing them over to someone else to raise, even a relative.
A friend of mine is going through the same thing. Her son gave her his son to raise as the parents had split up and he just was not ready to be a single Dad. She loved hima nd cared for him and he grew up to be a very angry young man, she can't understand why, he is just angry his parents did not want to bother to raise him.
There is a lot to consider...a lot of factors involved...
Just remind your daughter that children are a blessing from God. Even though I would have chosen differently for my daughter if I could, to have had her in a good marriage and when I was a little older and more ready for single motherhood (I was 22) she has been the greatest blessing in my life, truly. I never have regretted all of the work it has taken to raise her, and I thank God everyday for the wonderful blessing I have of having ehr in mylife.
Also remind your daughter that she may not be able to have a baby again later in life. I developed hormonal problems in my early thirties that made me skip many periods. My doctor told me that I was fortunate that I married and had my baby early in life, as I would probably not have been able to have a child had I waited until then to have a baby.
I have a best friend from high school who had an abortion at about age 30, then when she got pregnant again ina good situation a few years later and wanted teh baby she had a msicarraige. She went to specialist who told her that her cervix had been damaged in the abortion and that she would probably not be able to carry any babies to term. She went into a deep depression that I don't think she ever snapped out of. You never know what life holds, this may be her only chance to be a Mom.
I have yet to meet a woman who had an abortion, and did not live to bitterly regret it later in life.
Isabela
PS No hate mail please from abortion rights advocates. I am entitled to my opinion as Debilyn asked for it. I know that this is a very emotionally charged issue an I ahev tried to express my opinion in a very practical manner. I kept my moral beliefs to myself and merely accurately described what an abortion is and the PERSONAL experiences with it that have been related to me first hand.
I certainly will say prayers for you and your daughter! This situation hits a strong emotion in me. I wonder if this is why my daughter is having so many problems too,,,,based on her decision :( I can feel your pain. It is best I not discuss too much with you because I am not sure how I handled things is what was best. Just know that whatever she decides, you may always mourn the loss. cdb (((((debilyn))))
