The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband spent this entire last week trying to get in rehab. He was scheduled to go to one rehab on Tues but they took him to the detox unit he said it was like a psych facility--excuse? maybe.
Finally, he got an appt at a "suitable" place for Fri. All day he prepared and talked about how it has to stop and he can't live like this anymore. He cried alot, gave me money for the bills, played with our small children all day. I will admit I wasn't overly hopeful, but would love it if he could turn things around.
He left here around 3p---called me 3 times on the road. At 530p he said he was almost there--alot of traffic---said he was ready to face things head on. He never showed up and I haven't heard from him since.
I did speak with a "friend" (also addict) who said he called him from the rehab parking lot and said he just couldn't go in. This friend is also looking into rehab for himself.
My husband was sober all week.
He talks the talk.
I think he wants help.
Am I wrong?
Now he'll be on a binge for who knows how long. Then he'll call and beg to come home.
I am having a hard time with this again. We call it a roller coaster. I finally get comfortable with being on my own and planning a single future both financially and emotionally.
Then he shows up. I know he's being sincere at the time! But he's a frigging addict and he probably will never be in control.
I'm back in the same boat, yet again. I've said it before, I wish he'd move all his stuff out. He only takes essentials so he still thinks he lives here.
He's really not "living" anymore.
I feel the urge to call and encourage him to go to the rehab--I'm trying not to do that.
I know it mhst be scary.. Most of us live on that same rollercoaster. Everyones, story is alittle different but the roots are all the same. Laurie is right, at least he made it to the parking lot but is that enough ? Enough for you ? I dont have any advise either only keep thinking of your children.. They need you right now. Put all of your energy into them and how they must be feeling . Remember they are on the same rollercoaster you are.. I once read that Alcoholism is a game EVERYONE gets to play..
Take care of yourself, and your children.. My children have helped me in more ways than one.
Lately, I haven't been able to even read the posts for a few days - I see myself in every one else here, so desperately willing to suspend logic or reality, we are SO LOVING we are willing to completely forget about ourselves & everything we know. (we are so willing to love other's - why is it so hard to hold true to ourselves, put the love of our selve's first - surely the A's never think of us!)
Don't get me wrong, this is still very thing that is SO difficult for me ~ remembering I deserve my "own back". That I have to defend myself & stop defending the A -- the A's 'need' some harsh reality & less understanding (in my book) -- I am always trying to defend him or figure how it is for him.
I was in the chat room last weekend a lot - someone had some excellent (& logical) advice... they sd 'be objective & imagine your best friend is telling you the same story, what would you advise them to do?' As co-dependents we are just so willing to suspend us & get on that rollercoaster ride with the A's.
I still think this disease (it's true, it takes no prisoners - it destroys us all) is more difficult & confusing for those of us that love the A's! For them - they do it all... they decide to drink or not, the choose to open their mouths & abuse us. The get to take, maintain & glorify themselves all along! For us we love so much, so for (years) we believe what they are saying, their sick blame & justifications. They say we are lazy & since we are so beaten down, we tell ourselves, "yes I am lazy - I have no energy, so it must be true".
Just loook at an abused child. They still love their parents and they will defend them to the death.
Thankfully for alanon, I am breaking the chains & rules of this 'game' - I chose not to play. It is simple logic (or maybe just tough love) but if you want help, take that step or shut up about it. In America, you create your own opportunities to better yourself. Biblically God helps those who help themselves. If you want something you take it. The proof is in the pudding, show me!
I'm sorry, but I don't see that talking about getting help, or driving by the church, gets you any enlightenement. That's like wishing your life away. I could say, "I want a beautiful hard body, so I drive by the gym, looking in longinly with an ice cream cone in my hand & a bag of cookies."
Just for today, I'm not going to be the soft place for my A to trod on - I'll comfort myself, be my own safe haven. I am sick & tired of being psychologically abused & a huge part of that, is what I am willing to buy into & say to myself. I am changing my own inner dialogue & desperately trying to erradicate the feelings of self-loathing for even playing the game at all. Maybe today I can sense an iota of self forgiveness, so I can move on!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
mom to 2, I know we are "supposed to" encourage them, without being involved in their recovery or taking their inventory.
You said it, it's not living. I'm trying to reformulate my statements -- maybe something like, "if you really want help, you'll walk in" & leave it at that. I have said so little to our A - I want the few statements I make to be very simple, short & eloquently loaded with truth.
I know they can't hear our feelings, it will take a very long time for them to even deal with their own. That I can understand. Any of all the excuses they come up with ~ no thanks.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Sorry you have to keep going through this. Stick with alanon and keep reaching out. You sre not alone.
I have one suggestion that I don't know if you have tried. My son is an addict/alcoholic and has been to detox/rehab several times. He always made the arrangements but asked me to drive him. Otherwise I am not sure if he would have made it to the parking lot. I know from experience that the admission process is tedious. I am glad that I was able to support my son each time he attempted to rid himself of this horrible disease. Just a thought.
((((((((((((((momto2))))))))) Gosh, this is so hard on you. I just hate this disease! I think danz had a good point. But I don't have any answers and am almost out of suggestions lately. Sticking with alanon sure helps me take care of me. Reading the posts helps me too. I can feel how much my 21 year old daughter wants to get better. She struggles and tries so hard. But I would not expect any man to put up with the turmoil and drama she dishes out! We even have her kitten here or it would have gotten out and probably been killed on the busy street she is near. It is so different for me though because I am not married to the alcoholic in my life. I do know that when my daughter had periods of sobriety she was her old self again. I try to always have hope. I can sure feel you pain and frustration though and will send prayers your way. Sometimes I think it is the people's prayers here that keep me going on. cdb
I'm sure he does want to get better. Maybe just can't believe that life will be worth living without his adddictions, so scared. Realizing this can help you keep from feeling too much bitterness and resentment - this really isn't his 'fault'. It doesn't change what you need to do to look after yourself, though, sadly. Letting yourself and your kids go down the tubes with him will not help him, and it will sure hurt you.
I considered offering to drive him--I kind of thought he should do it on his own. If he asked me to drive him--I would have. Bottom line, he'll go if he's really surrendered--he's not there yet.
He's still out there getting drunk and doing drugs every single day. He called last night and said he was going today--he did not go. I spoke with him on the phone a few minutes ago and he said he's going tomorrow. He's lost to us right now. He may never get back. It's so utterly sad.
I'm happy to say life is going on here for us. And so it goes.
Lately, I haven't been able to even read the posts for a few days - I see myself in every one else here, so desperately willing to suspend logic or reality, we are SO LOVING we are willing to completely forget about ourselves & everything we know. (we are so willing to love other's - why is it so hard to hold true to ourselves, put the love of our selve's first - surely the A's never think of us!)