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I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I am also married to an alcoholic. We have a 7 year old girl. It is difficult to put this kind of situation into simple terms but I will try:
My husband is a very happy drunk... until my daughter goes to bed. He is not physically or verbally abusive at all. He just goes to work in the morning... starts drinking when he gets home... has a blast with in until our daughter goes to bed... and then drinks until he is comatose. I have to leave him where he passes out.
I realized I was the clasic enabler just as my mother was... One day when i was freaking out because my unapproving inlaws were on their way over and I was trying to get the house clean... I didn't realize i was yelling as I was trying to get all the beer cans picked up and hidden. My daughter yelled, "Stop it Mom, you're scaring me!" I looked up in the mirror and saw my mother. That is when I realized I had a problem as well as my husband. I decided to start going to Al-anon.
I am trying to detach and it is a painful experience for me. My husband and my daughter have a funfilled relationship. They are incredibly happy around each other. I on the other hand have to get up and leave the room at times to keep my composure when he walks into the house and cracks one open before he even says hello. Sometimes I can't even greet him first or I will bust into tears.
I am grateful that my daughter does not live in fear as I did as a child... but I do not want her to have resentment towards us as I do my family. She knows already that my mother died when she was still in my belly and I have not spoken to my own father for 10 years, but, I have never told her why.
My daughter has recently cought on to the fact that, while she and her father are sitting there happy and having a blast... I am sitting there angry, frusterated, depressed, and anxious at the same time.
She finally asked me the most heartbreaking question: "Mommy, how come you're not happy like Daddy?"
I can not think of an age appropriate answer. I tried simply saying that he is sick and mommy is sad, but her response was age appropriate as well... "No he's not.", she said, "Look at him, he's happy, he's fine."
How in the world do you respond to that in an age appropriate manner?
This is a hard one. I wish I knew. I know that my younger son (also 7) has witnessed my ex-husband (not an alcoholic, but abusive) and I argue until physicalities occured. My older son (from a previous marriage) who is 13 now, has seen the arguing since he was 4. I could not explain to either one of them why. But I did acknowledge the fact that it happened and that is why me and the ex got the divorce. I apologized for the many years of fighting and so did my ex when we told them of the divorce. It doesn't take away the painful times though or explain anything. This is a little long, I am just not sure how to answer, but to say that take it easy and think it through before you try to explain. Little ones at that age don't have to know EVERYTHING that is going on, they still feel as if the world revolves around them. Its my teenager I had to explain things to as they were happening. But I didn't go too deep. Its quite a balancing act to figure out. I hope some one else has some answers. I just want you to know that we are here and ready to listen :) Take care of you!
There is a book that is now out of print, unfortunately but u can get it at amazon, used. It is called What's Drunk Mama (c1974) and it explains to the youngest of children in a language they can understand.
As an ACoA myself, I found the book, 12 steps for adult children helped me tons to detangle my confused feelings and to understand my issues as an acoa. Honestly, before I got my hands on that book, alanon wasnt doing much for me. ACoA's have issues that stem from deep childhood.
Best way to combat this disease for the A and for us, the codpendent enalber, is to practise focusing on you and not the A. When we focus on the A and allow ourselves to lose control in an emotional outburst - we feed the disease giving the A a justifciation to use and we lose control of us.
You do have choices. When I got here, I didnt think I had any and that my life was destined to stay as it was. I was told to forget what I knew and open my mind. I was desperate to change, so I got willing to. (with lots of prayer).
As you work your own best program, your child will see you changing. Kids want boundaries, consequences and a healthy environment. They crave structure and will emulate the healthier parent. First things first, u learn to take care of YOU and get your life back from the disease, dynamic we find ourselves in when we arrive.
You can feel better and learn to be happy whether the A is sober or not. Alanon is all about you and what works for you. There is no rush, go slowly, start opening up and getting the past pains off of your chest. You are not alone. The chat room is a great place to go too for support, understanding and even some laughs. We have two daily mtgs in there, helps.
Kids do take on the responsibility of their parent's feelings and I sure know i did, always trying to entertain my mom, to distract her, to "make" her happy again - I thought that was my job until late in my 30's when I was still doing it & decided to make major changes and stop being manipulate-able anymore.
When talking to kids, be honest but you can also be vague (no gory details) - I hope u can see a copy of that book bc Ive heard it is excellent and helps kids to not take it personally & gain perspective.
Setting boundaries and following through for me, helped me to gain some emotional detachment from the enmeshement I was in and could feel my own self, for the first time - my feelings were mine and theirs were theirs.
I work hard not to do for others what they can do for themselves. It is a process of taking ur life back one day at a time. Glad u found us!
Take care of YOU whatver that looks like.
-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 29th of July 2010 12:38:11 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
The book whats drunk mama has already been suggested it is an amazing book written for children , talks about respect for the alcoholic as a human being , reasures them its not thier problem and helps with self esteem and self worth and the importance respecting yourself and others . sounds heavy but the way its written it is perfect for kids , maybe its time for your daughter to know why her grandpa isnt in her life ,not the nitty gritty stuff keep it simple kids just want honesty but really dont need all the details. Kudos for you to share this with your daughter . and if your not already please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself so far hubby is keeping it well hidden but never forget this is progressive and one day he will slip big time , u say he is not abusive well to me alcoholism is abusive period , it takes our husbands from us daddys from children ,yeah its abusive.. please get help for yourself . Louise
Aloha Desirae...Welcome to MIP. You've gotten some good ESH as feedback from the membership and more is coming. A 7 year old doesn't have the same emotional and mental filters that you have so I'd suggest letting her teach you to celebrate the happiness that her Dad personifies. We all want happiness and not all of us need to or want to use chemicals to do that for obvious reasons however if what is happy for her is really happiness celebrate it. 7 year olds are great mirrors and mentors are they not? They can clearly tell us where we are at with so few words. When I learned that it cued me into changing myself at the moment and realize that my life isn't all screwed up all of the time. Besides down the line I needed to remember good times in order to support them when they were remembering the screwed up times and they will remember for certain. "What comes around goes around" is a reality slogan for the alcoholic.
Another thing I had to learn was that "life wasn't always about me and what I was commiserating on" and how many people I could get on myside of the fence to point back at my alcoholic wife screaming "BAD!!" and patting me on the back for justification. My alcoholic wife wasn't only an alcoholic...she had some very worthy characteristics which I needed to acknowledge and not be afraid of being grateful for. It was very difficult for me at first learning how to detach from the part of her that created illness while being grateful for the parts that didn't. I had to do it with a Higher Power cause alone I would have never been able.
Keep coming back and thanks for the thread. (((((hugs)))))
anyone know where I can get a copy of that book 'What's Drunk Mama' ??? it is out of print and i cannot find it in town... I have no credit for online shopping
I know you don't want your daughter to have a resentment toward you as an adult.... but..... we are powerless over that, right?
My suggestion is that you leave her out of all of this for now and just work your program. What is there to gain by telling her something she clearly does not see or understand... except to add chaos to confusion. Why do you need her to understand your unhappiness? She cannot support you in this.
In my situation, I ended up looking more insane than my alcoholic ever did trying to insist my husband had a problem ...all because ""I""" was unhappy. It is a family disease... and my behavior also contributed to my kids being raised in an alcoholic home. I have made amends to them, and the rest is between them and their HP.
Use the program, my friend. That is where we get to vomit up all our anger and frustration over the alcoholic. That is the safe place to do it and is always there for you.
Your daughter will be soooo blessed that you found al-anon. Changed attitudes can aid recovery, and she will begin to see what sanity looks like... she will see a healthy mom again. Is there any better gift? ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I too have a 7 yr old and he often asks "why are you crying?".....tears me up! Like your daughter, my son does not see what I see. He sees a happy dad, always playing with him. According to my son "I am the one that always starts the fights". What I have decided to do was to get myself healthy before I can even tackle trying to explain to my son what is happening. There is a lot he knows and a lot he doesn't. Once I can get myself healthy and not break down every time I think about my life past and present. Once I get that under control, I will be better able to handle my son and any questions that he may have. Everything I do, I do for me and my son.
