The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading some wonderful posts of ESH (experience, strength and hope). Want to thank all of you for sharing with us here!!
One common thing I keep seeing is the talk about the Blaming. How the A blames us for everything. (Typical alcoholic behavior - not wanting to take responsibility - wanting to place the blame on others.)
Once we come to Al-Anon, we learn how alcoholism is a disease, how we can't cure/fix the alcoholic, but that we can work on changing ourself, on curing our part of the disease. Yes, we've been affected by this disease, yes we've become "sick" ourselves. When I look back at my own behavior prior to Al-Anon, I can now see how I gradually changed from a self-assured, laughing, happy person to a miserable, unhappy, walking on eggshells, feeling "less than", yelling, screaming, crying, nagging shrew. Yikes!!! Who in their right mind would want to live with a person like that?? Heck, I didn't even like myself at that point. But you know what I did? I blamed it all on the alcoholic. "He made me this way."
Not true. He didn't "make" me that way. I allowed myself to become that way. I got caught up in the disease myself and became "sick". Realizing this helped me to stop blaming him for it, which also helped with all the anger and resentment I had felt against him. Truly, all that anger and resentment belonged against the disease, not him. I have learned that no one can "make" me feel a certain way unless I allow it. The slogan QTIP - "Quit Taking It Personally" helped a lot. My sponsor telling me "what other people think of you is NONE of your business" helped a lot. It's true, I can't control what others think...I can only control what I think, how I act.
I think often of my mom and grandmas words "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I used to just blurt things out without thinking of how it might affect someone else. Now, these might be my honest feelings, but feelings are not facts, they're just feelings... and feelings change. Prior to starting my recovery in Al-Anon, I had a lot of "sick" feelings. I took a lot of things personally which had nothing to do with me! And I'd react with blurting out my "sick" feelings, attacking others. Yikes again!! I'll never be perfect, I'll probably say things that still might hurt others, though I hope not. All I can do is keep learning and progressing in my own recovery, learning to be a healthy happy person who can speak kindly and communicate in a healthy way. I need to keep focusing on my own behavior and taking responsibility for that behavior wherever I am or whoever I am with. I acknowledge everyone has the right to their own opinion. I can agree to disagree if I'm in a discussion and we have opposite opinions on the subject matter. I don't have to convince everyone that purple is the best color, ya know? LOL Just like I don't have to say my way is the only right way. It sure isn't!
We had a nice discussion in the chat room the other day. I had commented on something, saying it was just my opinion, but it came across as sounding "critical". Someone quoted from our preamble about "not letting there be any gossip or criticism of one another." We ended up "talking things out, reasoning with one another" (again from the preamble) about what I had said, and many good points were brought up about what Al-Anon teaches. It was a great discussion! And I'm really glad that the person brought up that quote and started us talking as it cleared the air of any misunderstanding that might have been in anyone's mind at the time. In both cases of what I had said, and what the person responding with a quote said - it was constructive criticism. Something that makes us look closer at things and how we are handling or thinking about them. There wasn't any attacking of one another, any "you're wrong!" statements. More like, it opened the door to more understanding of ourselves and one another. Good stuff!! I really enjoy learning in here. *smile*
Thanks again to all, newcomer and oldtimer alike. I learn from ALL of you!! You ALL are important!!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Thanks for this post. It is so great when we can discuss the preamble on the message board and in the chatroom too. Several of us discussed the reason why we do not discuss religion or politics in the room last night and it was so good to all agree and understand the importance of keeping this site focused on alcoholism and helping us all. It is upsetting to me when people do disagree in the room about things in front of new poeple that just enter. We need to be aware of this too. One time a new person asked if the room was for teens too. Well, many people think that the main room is not for teens. But according to the preamble this is not correct. I know we have a teen room but we do not turn away anyone that is a family or friend of an alcoholic in our room and needs help. I just wish more knew about this. Like you said to me last night kis, where does it say in the guidelines that a teen is not allowed in our room? It would be great if the teen room had people in there all the time like the main alanon room but they don't and I think we need to remember that teens need help too at all hours of the day and night.
Just recently I also thought about the "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". In fact, my kids grew up with this saying :) I am not perfect by no means. We come into the room filled with so many mixed emotions and sometimes in great crisis. I want to make amends to anyone that I may have hurt recently while going through my recent situation with my daughter's binges and how it affected me. I don't know what I would do without this site. Most of you know I am ill at home so this is where I am able to come to meetings etc. I don't get out of my house much. Again, I am very sorry to any people I may have hurt recently. We do not always know when we hurt someone. They do not always know when they hurt us. But for the sake of all of us needing to feel safe while living with alcoholism/drug abuse, let's all get along the best we can :) cdb
I really got a lot out of what you said about being responsible for ourselves. It is so easy, no matter how many times where hear it in Al-anon , to slip back into blaming our stuff on the a and not accepting that we have our own part in the way our lives are and they way we behave.
Thanks for the post. I yelled at my A who has recently moved out. He yelled, I yelled, which is odd because when we lived together we didn't yell like this. I did blame him because he's gone and worried about his golf game and I am dealing with finances and kids going to college.
I know he is not to blame but the disease is. I too use to be competent and fun loving and I have allowed myself to have one gear - sick. So I am willing to look at myself and say what can I change? This is how I was today. But I have a chance to deal with it differently tomorrow. And I don't have to accept that he blames me for everything.
Thanks so much for your post. I used to give away so much of myself by blaming others. Once I stopped, and started taking responsibility for my actions, I gained so much power. Power to change myself, which in turn changed my environment. To date, my actions haven't changed my husband much, but my kids and I are benefiting from a much more together person -- me.
Say what you mean
Mean what you way
And, don't say it mean
I use the above filter just about every day. I've even added "mean to say what you say". It's helped me tremendously in evaluating whether or not I want to open my mouth! LOL!
Peace,
Jane
P.S. I really like your pic. My mom sent me the whole cartoon once and I have it saved on my desktop when I need a boost.
"Not true. He didn't "make" me that way. I allowed myself to become that way. I got caught up in the disease myself and became "sick". Realizing this helped me to stop blaming him for it, which also helped with all the anger and resentment I had felt against him. Truly, all that anger and resentment belonged against the disease, not him."
This philosophy actually "excuses" the alcoholic from his/her role in your everyday misery. BULL!!!!
This is where AlAnon and I come to a parting of the ways. I would not have become "sick" in the way that I did were it not for the behavior of my alcoholic husband. Taking the blame off him and placing directly and squarely on my shoulders is hypocritical nonsense. Hate the disease and not the diseased is a crock as well. Some people carry with them the unfortunate, dispicible disease of pedophilia. I cannot "love" a person afflicted with pediphilia. I'd rather be the executioner, and I will not take a guilt trip because of it. The same holds true of alcoholism. Asking me to hate the disease while loving the diseased is placing the blame of my frustration, anger, resentment, and fear right on ME!! No, no, no. I think anyone who buys that line needs to rethink, dump the guilt, and dump the A along with it if things don't improve for good! We are human after all, afflicted with human emotions and feelings. Trying to make of our human condition something which is alien to it is wrong.
I know most of you will disagree. Certainly that is your right. Just try to consider that the confusion, fear, anger, resentment that you are feeling just might not be your fault.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Your post is so true it is scary. I too have blamed my qualifier for me being what I have made of me. Just as I know that nothing I can do is gonna change her or make her who she is or wants to be, I also realize that there is nothing she she can do good or bad that will form me into who I am, I am of my own making and will never heal nor be happy if I pass responsibility for this off to another. Thank you for the gentle reminder.
, to slip back into blaming our stuff on the a and not accepting that we have our own part in the way our lives are and they way we behave. 
