The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the first time I have posted here. I have been in alanon for a few months now and I feel that I am making some progress. The problem is that my husband isn't. He is an active alcoholic and has been making my life a living hell. At any given moment he can go off for no reason at all. He says all kind of cruel things to me, threatens me with divorce, and just seems to harbor all these resentments towards me. He gives me $200/wk toward bills and then later accuses me of spending all of his money. He always has food, clothes, utilities, etc. and yet I am spending all of his money on me. He resents the fact that I have a $230/month car payment that I work for and pay. He says it is taking away from us but when I bring up the fact that he drinks away at least $190/month in beer he brushes me off. When I came into alanon I had no self-esteem left. I have been trying to build on that since coming to alanon but when you got someone at home constantly putting you down for this and that it can be hard. I have a wonderful sponsor who told me that hurt people hurt people and that is so true. I know that alot of what my husband says he doesn't mean but he still says it over and over again to only apologize over and over again. Anyways, last night after being out of town for a couple of days my husband comes in and is only there for an hour when he starts trying to pick a fight with me. I have not let myself fall victim to this for about a month now. I have learned that I feel better about me when I don't engage in arguing with him or saying mean things back to him but you can only listen to it for so long. I made the decision that I didn't deserve the treatment that I was getting from him so I left and went to my sister's. I don't know what I am going to do right now but I know that I need to take care of me. I have boundaries that I need to set and I know that I deserve so much more.
I appreciate your post. I too am fairly new to the Alanon groups. My partner is the A in my life. We share two beautiful children together. I get the same crap at home too. I'm told constantly about how broke he is because he gives his paycheck to me. I then remind him that he gives his paycheck to the home; which is what I do. He's on an allowance system and cash only basis because when he drinks he uses the debit card like we have a money tree in the back yard!! I've paid so much money in over draft charges it's pathetic. It pisses me off to no end. Yes, I'm nasty about it too, I've given in to the fights where I could rip his head off and not bat an eye. The moral, God fearing woman comes out and of course I don't carry this out. Some days I feel so low, and unloved. I know you deserve better and so do I. Something I learned first coming into Alanon is that it's o.k. to love this person. The other thing I was told is not to make a rash decesion about what I'm going to do. Meaning, leaving this situation may not be the best thing right now for me and my children.
I have financially taken steps to protect myself, if and when I need to separate from this relationship. I can say at this point, if his life falls by the wayside, it's his doing not mine. Everyday I get up, I get ready for work, get kids off to daycare, and laugh and have fun at work. Somedays I'm sad when it's time to go home because I never know what's waiting for me. Right now I'm working on me, being a calmer more peaceful me. I do alot of things with kids by myself, but that's o.k. we have fun without the yelling, badgering, and insults. So when he gets moments of clarity and says how did my life get this way? I shut up or say ya know I don't know, that's for you to figure out. He often thinks I'm cold and uncompassionate, however when I get compassionate I lose myself. I have to learn to be compassionate from a distance and learn to detach with love.
Just remember your awesome and worth it... Fight your you, the rest will work itself out with whether we do anything or not.
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Juliet...my heart goes out to your today. Welcome to MIP...we all share parts of your story.
My A, though sober 1 1/2 years, still picks fights with me almost daily. I try to respond as little as possbile, and every time I succeed I give myself my own gold star. Remember, "Progress, not Perfection" and don't expect to become healthy in so short a time. Just do your best each day...one day at a time.
twinmom...how did you get so wise, so quickly. Your response to Juliet was right on target.
Juliet...we have the same money situation. If I buy a $3 tee shirt for my grandson I hear about it, and although I get all the paychecks to pay bills, any cash money that comes in becomes his private fund. He explained last night how I'd need to pay $200 this weekend to some kids he had do his work for him (while he golfed). I asked for an overnight trip for my birthday tomorrow, and he explained we couldn't afford fuel for a 5 hour trip, and motel. This am he told me he is golfing tomorrow....that would have bought one tank of fuel!!!! I give up, and like twinmom, am working toward setting up myself financially. Although, if the truth be told, my little income would go further than his big one, if I were not supporting him. At the grocer, I spend a fortune on his special drinks, foods and just that special razor blade, while I drink iced tea and use the cheapest shampoos, etc. Geez!
Not my need to go on and on....but I did....and just wanted to share with you that we all have similar problems. Let's work on it together.
The only thing we can change is us!
Best of luck to you...find a little happy for you somewhere today!!!!
You are on the right track. Keep it up & be PROUD of yourself for having come this far..... Way to go.
I am a recovery A & hubby is still very active. I know how cruel we A's can be in the heat of an arguement. You did the right thing by going to your sisters. I used to think it was running away but have learned through Al Anon it is self preservation. You can't argue with an A - you will never win no matter what you say.
A little quote is heard here the other day " Q-tip - Quit taking It Personally "
Another is the 5 G's
1 - Get out of hiis way
2 - Get off his back
3 - Give him to God
4 - Get into yourself
5 - Go to a meeting
They work for me & I hope you will find some comfort in them too
My A is alot different then yours but I know how you feel when you say you can't take it anymore.
My A is a wonderful man when solber and when he is drinking until he drinks more than 9 beers. I have mastered his intake when I know if I say anything that might push a button he will blow. My A is a quiet, happy drinker but is drinking everyday for years. All of lastyear he admitted maybe 5 days he went total without a beer in his hand.
My issues are if ever I need some attention or if I have an issue with our marriage he tells me I am causing problems. The beer causes him to think he is god and is Mr Perfect and has great excuses why he can say things like "No one would take your crap, your good looks can only take you so far" or "B*tch you are the one tearing this family apart" or "you are the reason I drink so much" playing the blame game.
What I am getting too is this. I finally got so tired of him drinking and me asking for my explorer keys and him keeping them as control. So tired of the kids seeing their dad with a beer in his hand at all times in the evenings. Fed up with if I wanted to spend time with him and I might hurt about forgetting our 14th anniversary and he says I am crazy that I need medication.
I asked him to leave. That was three days ago. I am at my sisters with my children. I came to this board a week ago and have learned so much. His drinking and drugging wasthe cause of us losing a business (which I wanted gone we owned a bar) losing our house, ending up moving in with my sister because we had no home. You can make it. I found out its a minute to minute deal the first 2 days. I went through the repeatly calling his cellphone which he never answered which made me madder the first day. The second day I only called twice. Today I think I might just turn the tables and let him call me.
When you hit bottom regardless of how your A acts you yourself need to save yourself. Life is to short we have a wonderful life to live as happy as we can. You never know when your time is due to your HP. My A will come back when I feel the children and I would be happy with him or without him.
Hold on I just started his ride I might not make any sense but I hope you can find some encouragement from my post. Hang in there and take it minute by minute, hour by hour, then day by day...
Part of the disease is the blame game. I too get blamed for my A's drinking, that I don't appreciate what he brings to the family financially, etc. etc. I have found working on me is great; I have more self esteem than I have had in years. I feel sexier, prettier, have more value. I work everyday on me; it may be listening to my ocean waves CD when I am ironing, or just sitting in the back yard watching the birds at the bird feeder. One thing a day just for me. I am working on finding my own value without relying on someone else to make me feel good. This is hard work. The A doesn't drink "because" of you, they drink because they are sick. Let go and Let God is my sanity some days. Hang in there. The book your counselor recommended is a great book; however it is an emotional journey. I have only made it through 1/2 the book in a year, I do however have the "Language of Letting Go" which is a daily meditation book, Courage to Change, and another meditation book. I keep one at home, one in my car, and one on my desk at work. I also have posted the Serenity Prayer at my desk. I work on reminding myself that I can only change me.
I can only tell you what I had to learn and am still learning. Just as it isn't your fault for your a and his actions or emotions, it isn't your a's fault for yours. Your life can only be hell if you allow it to be. Most important thing is to focus on you and detach, detach, detach. I have learned this and still slip it is so easy. But life is easier now that I know I am only responsible for me and my kids. My a has to be responsible for him.
It is hard at first to face that no matter what he does, it is none of your business, but unless he is literally interfering in my life (something there is no way I can keep from seriously impacting me - like physical abuse or stealing my money) I have to turn the focus on me and learn not to let what he does or says get to me.
Our choices are our own and we can only change ourselves. And in changing ourselves, there is no guarentee that our a will change or that we will stay with them just that we will have a clearer picture of what we need to do and a better tool box so to speak to fix our problems
Keep coming there is a foutain of knowledge and experience here and I have always found plenty of ideas and some solutions from the information I get here.
I feel for you.. It is so hard. Many of us feel at the end of our ropes..
One thing that I can tell you is that this message board has helped so much. I have only been a member a week but have learned more in the week than i have in years. I have said this before, i am new to al-anon but not to the disease.
I have 2 children and have been married nearly 19 years to an a. I feel broken hearted most days and like most of you laugh at work and get nervous before i go home. I have left my husband for up to a week and returned to empty promises. After a week of no beer last night he came home drunk.. I cried myself to sleep. I pray every day for God to give me strength and lead me in the direction he wants me to go.
I know that if I keep praying God will answer and may not heal my husband but will he will heal me.
I am sorry, I dont have any words of wisdom my friend .. I am where you are. Advise i can not give, company i can.
I've paid so much money in over draft charges it's pathetic. It pisses me off to no end. Yes, I'm nasty about it too, I've given in to the fights where I could rip his head off and not bat an eye. The moral, God fearing woman comes out and of course I don't carry this out. Some days I feel so low, and unloved. I know you deserve better and so do I. Something I learned first coming into Alanon is that it's o.k. to love this person. The other thing I was told is not to make a rash decesion about what I'm going to do. Meaning, leaving this situation may not be the best thing right now for me and my children. 