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Hi.. My name is Jessyca. I am 32 with three children of my own and I have been married to my husband for about three years. He is an alcoholic and a drug addict.... to give him credit he is trying to recover. I wish he would join at least AA or something... but he still thinks he is superman and can do it on his own. Its only been since Nov or so... and he has slipped twice.
I am not really sure what to say at this point... I am not even really sure what my story is yet. My husband is only a piece of my problems. I am still dealing with a lot of things that happened to me when I was a child, and the last three years have been a living nightmare that I can't believe we seem to have woken up from. Its tenative I know... and I am so afraid I will be dissapointed for trying to have some faith in him... but over the last few months so many things have changed.
My life had been a hell hole since I married my husband not that I was in such hot shape before though. I had been very ill for a long time and had no idea. I think even before we got married I was already ill... I was just getting so tired all of the time, but it was happening over such a time span as it wasn't so easy to notice. D and I got married... he was sober and straight then. It didn't last long once he started feeling the pressure of family life and then everything went down the toilet. I knew he was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict... I have known D since I was 15... there wasn't much we didn't know about each other. We had always been good friends. The last three years are kind of a blur... I just got sicker and sicker and he just couldn't cope with anything as a sober person. I think things had just been one string after another of last chances... if he didn't straighten up I was leaving... if he didn't do this or that I was leaving... and he would beg and plead and blah blah... and things would be fine again.. and the cycle goes on and on. Nov.. after about 3 months of severe illness I was finally diagnosed with a slew of health problems... diabetes, thyroid disease, depression, insomnia and a few other things, I decided that this was it. I was too tired to try to keep holding things together and I just let go of all those strings I had been in a panic to keep tied up until that point. Of course everything went everywhich way... but at least it wasn't sucking up my strength anymore. I said good bye to my marriage pretty much and told him to get out of dodge. I figured that was what he wanted anyways. I was just so angry and had so much rage I couldn't forgive him anymore... and I mean RAGE. I went on medication for a while just to control my anger. I lashed out at everyone and everything.
He didn't leave... and I didn't have the guts to file for divorce so we decided a few months ago on marriage counseling. Don't get me wrong... things are much better than they were on many fronts... I am slowly regaining my phsycial stregth and getting my life back. We are back on our feet financially for the most part... He got a new job that he really likes. He works a lot more than he used to. I think that helps him... I know it makes him feel good that he can provide for our family now. We have a lot to learn still... we have to relearn how to deal with each other.. we both are learning to listen better and to communicate better. We are also learning how to try to be more supportive of each other. Its hard work! I think we can do it... but I don't know if I can go through another relapse... and I am very afraid of that.
I have some work to do on my self as well as our marriage... My therapist recommended I join Alanon and she recommended this book that she wants me to read called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatti. I am ordering it off amazon tomorrow as neither of my local libraries have it. I am still so confused as to what I am supposed to be doing... hopefully I will figure it out sooner or later.
I'm sorry this is so long
Jessyca
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~Prayer for Today~
Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love: Where there is injury, pardon : Where there is doubt, faith: Where there is depair, hope: Where there is darkness, light: And where there is sadness: joy.
Welcome Jessyca! No apologies needed for the length of your post. You needed to tell your story and you did it well.
Your therapist is correct....getting busy in AlAnon CAn help you more than you realize right now. It will help you understand how p[owerful HIS disease is and thus accept it. It will help you find good things about yourself to be proud of. ...things in your life to be greatful for....in general help each day be better for YOU. (even if the world around yo is spinning out of control
Being sick makes things worse for us. I am so happy they finally diagnosed some of your health problems so they can be treated . It's great your husband found a good job and jhe enjoys it.
Do find a local face to face alanon meeting SOON and go! This site has some wonderful, caring folks who will also be here for you during the other 167 hours each week. They have alanon online meetings twice a day. That makes an excellent way to get support and understanding during those in-between times.
When i found alanon about 13 years ago I was jsut about ready to file for divorce. I was tired of fighting about him drinking. It was making me so angry and so physically ill. But thanks to working my alanon and working on some ACOA issues (adult children of alcoholics), I was able to keep my marriage togehter and this wek we celebrated 37 years.
Hang in there. You are not alone! Glad you found us.
Al-Anon can certainly help you. So glad you found us here. Try to come to the chat room (see link on this page for the meeting/chat room) and find a local meeting in your area.
"Codependent No More" is a good book, I got a lot out of it.
How about one day at a time? Or sometimes for us - one minute at a time? Or one issue at a time? Be good to yourself. Alanon helps alot because you find support and people who have experienced what you have.
Keep coming back. It works because you are worth it.
I can relate to your situation. I am a recovering A, hubby is still active. I too suffer medical problems which makes it difficult to concentrate on dealing with my A and keeping myself getting well.
This is a place where you learn hope, faith, strenghth and how to be good to yourself. I found Al Anon only a couple of months ago and I can see the changes in me already. I have a little peice of serenity & inner peace....
How??? By going to meetings, reading Al Anon literature, and remembering our 3 C's
Didn't Cause it
Can't Control it
Can't cure it
All of Melody Beattie books are great. Reading the AA Big Book may also helo you understand your A better and if you can go to AA Open meetings too. It helps to see through their eyes and does make a differance. You are in the right place !!!!
So glad that you found Al-anon....I, too, have only been in al anon for a couple of months now and the change in the way I see things in my life and in myself are unbelievable. For the first time in a loooong time, I like who I am. I like "ME". That in itself, is a wonderful feeling. Sometimes, the world feels like it is crashing down around me, but thanks to al anon, that is ok. I know that I am a good person and that my higher power will guide me in the direction that I need to go. Letting go and Letting God was the healthiest and happiest thing that has happend to me in years. You have a lot of friends here, friends in recovery and we are glad that you are here.
Your post really wasn't that long & don't be embarrassed for writing your deep feelings - this is what the board is for! You should have seen my posts five weeks ago, when I first began to write here, I was so very angry at my step-dad for cheatting on my mother, I wrote about how I wanted to physically rip him limb from limb! I remained that rageful for an entire month until I wrote him a letter about how I wanted to tear him apart. The next day my rage was gone, I had gotten it off my heart, out of my mind.
Your therapist is pretty smart, alanon will show you how to re-focus on yourself & stop living for your "A". I know a lot of ppl here are coping with active "A's". I don't know if you have read the 12 steps, they are what our program is based on & as you work through them, they will give you freedom, peace & serenity.
I was in the program 20 years ago now & just fell away from it - losing sight of myself again. Ten years ago, I married an addict (I'm divorced now) and my mother is married to an alcoholic. My grand-mother was an alcoholic.
Setting boundaries helps too, you just have to stick to them (tough love) no matter how difficult it may seem, you did liberation when you do it. My mom told her "A" that he had to get 90 in 90 (90 meetings in 90 days) or she wouldn't stay with him. So far it seems he is doing 'ok' in AA.
It is really painful because it will take him a year at least to 'get to the heart of himself' I expect. Until then, he won't be able to deal with anyone else's feelings but his own. But they got married when I was 12 & now I'm 37, so another year of him 'not being able to hear me' is a drop in the bucket.
There are ways you can encourage your A without nagging or taking his inventory & it comes with detachment. I guess what really hit me about your story was that you sd your A thinks he can 'do it on his own' & that is just his denial telling him that. Being "dry" is not the same thing as being in recovery. Part of what happens to them in this disease - first they lie to themselves constantly about everything (the denial) & they are trying to escape from their feelings, their conscious & it does rob their souls.
It is really woinderful that you are going to counseling together (my ex flat out refused) so that is a big (encouraging) step.
I have sat in many AA & NA meetings (20 yrs ago, when a girl friend got herself straightened out) - sometimes I went to 3 meetings in a day with her! The A's in recovery all say the same things, that they cannot do it alone & that they knew they were "hooked" from the start. Honesty is so hard for them. I personally wouldn't let him "get away" with thinking he can do it on his own.
I (as well) am happy you now know about your health problems so you can deal with them head on. Maybe that can help you to focus on yourself too, I don't know, we are all so different & yet so many of our stories are so similar.
Only you can know what is the best thing for you or what it is that you really want. I do know as humans we are all unique, special & worth all of the divine love & grace God (or your higher power) wants us to have, we simply have to accept it & know we are worth it. You deserve to be happy & love is a verb!
I hope you keep posting & you will find many compassionate souls here that truly do understand. Take care of yourself.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You should have seen my posts five weeks ago, when I first began to write here, I was so very angry at my step-dad for cheatting on my mother, I wrote about how I wanted to physically rip him limb from limb! I remained that rageful for an entire month until I wrote him a letter about how I wanted to tear him apart. The next day my rage was gone, I had gotten it off my heart, out of my mind.