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Yesterday I blew up over something stupid. I know it was wrong and I even told him so. I was so hurt that he ignored our 14 anniversary. I had so much penned up inside about all his drinking last week. Drank up all our money without a thought of what was coming up. I know an A only thinks about his drink of preference. Then yesterday he spent half the day in Nashville paying bills and detoured to visit his brother stopped at a little store and bought me a small fake flower. See at this point he had money which I had none. I blew, I know it was wrong it was everything built up and I was getting the short end of the stick. It only reminded me "This is all I get after 14 yrs of putting up with a drunk?!" Heck he spends more on a half case of beer.
Yes he hadnt had a drink in 5 days to my knowledge. He left. My son kept begging me to let him go over to see his daddy at his uncles. He told me (it was tearing me up inside) "Mom I dont want him to drink if I am with him he wont and if he does I can tell him to stop". Finally I tried to call my A on the cellphone and of course he didn't answer. I left a message. My son picked up the phone and called over and over again. Called his uncle twice with his daddy not their. Keep pacing the house, I let him help me make dinner but he refused to eat it. He started sucking his thumb then I knew it was really bothering him. (Hes 11) I keep calling in private he finally answered. I told him what his son was doing. I said if you haven't drank yet (Duh I am so stupid) he said he hadn't. I said you can pick him up but he never did. During this conversation he said I was the reason why he drank. I was the one who make problems out of thin air. He said my family thinks I need medication. I am not falling for that one anylonger. My family thinks my depression is caused by his drinking. He says he is not an alcoholic that he only has a problem on occasion. He will drink when he wants too that I should'nt bring the kids into the issue. But I feel they should have the right to tell their father they are hurt by the drinking. He told me no other man would tolerate my crap. He says good looks only get you so far.
Now this morning he told our son he would pick him up he didn't show until 2 pm. My son was ready when his dad told him to be and sat their for 4 hours waiting.
But he is gone now. I feel so relieved but a deep saddness has been left. He told my son he will work the problems out when he can get his mother to see what she needs to fix. Its still all moms fault. He always brags that hes a man he will be the first one to admit guilt if he has done anything wrong. Well when you think you do nothing wrong you will never admit. He thinks he will be back in the house within a few days. I usually beg him to come home but not this time.
So now I sit here just thinking. I need to do alot of soul searching on what I will accept in my life. My pride tells me not to take second best that I deserve to be the sunshine in someones eyes. But then if I want the man I love so deeply I have to accept that I won't be on his prority list I am about 10 rungs down on the ladder. To accept that this is what my life will be.
Now if I can stop crying long enough. Boy I hear myself saying I need a drink. I am not that much of a drinker only on occasion and thats 1 or 2. But I don't want to drink when I am depressed. Feels to close to what I am fighting in my life.
I am so sorry your hurting. I read your post with tears in my eyes. Know that you are not the reason your A drinks. Take one moment at a time right now. Go to a meeting, do something fun, I know it's hard when your hurt because there are a lot of days when I have to push myself so very hard. Last night I made myself detour on my way home to see a friend, I only stayed 20 minutes or so but it was worth it to me inside when I left there and drove home. I made a promise to do one thing for myself everyday, some days I do one some I do more. Hang in there.
Laurie, You do need a fix as all of us in Alanon do, and you are in the right place. Alanon has brought me to the point of sanity as listening to the A I was insane. I too am the cause for his drinking according to the A and I made him that way. NOT. He drinks because he wants to, I don't have that much power. They say we are sicker than the A and now that I am taking a good look at myself I think I am. The difference is I am doing something about it today I go to Alanon. We practice this program, and it is progress not perfection. Don't beat yourself up for the things you said last night but learn from them. If you need to make a amends then do so. As far as your son, I know I have a daughter who is also hurting b/c her Dad is gone. She admits she plays the two of us so we get back together even though she knows things will go back to the same ole thing. She said if he is home she feels safe and that he will be alright. I know they hurt but they have to work that out. You could offer to take him to a Alateen meeting or there is online for Alateens that you may want to show him. You need to do what is best for you. It is hard when you still love them and they promise the world. I have a new thing, "show me don't tell me". If he truely means what he says you will see that in time. In the meantime work on yourself keep going to meetings and find a HP and use him everyday. It has really helped me to journal and write down my feelings, then I read them all from time to time. Keep talking to program people and don't do anything without talking to your sponcer. When I am in these kind of corners I tend to make decessions I regret later. Be gentle with yourself and do something nice for yourself today. Do things with program people also helps me. Good Luck ((((((Laurie))))
I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation. Perhaps him leaving for a bit will do both of you some good. At least you won't have to watch him drinkand you can get busy working on yourself. It's very sad to hear your son was so upset he sucked his thumb. Do you have a counselor he can go see>? many school have them at no extra charge.
I lvoed Mary's idea..do at least ONE THING each day JUST FOR YOU!
You mentioned nashville. I only live 2 hours north of Nashville. I love that city...lots to see and do. We jsut dont get down there much any more.
Hang in there LL! Love your son with all your heart and let him know how much you love him. He will probably be very insecure for a while until he knows YOU are not leaving him.
And as far as him blamning you for all of it, try not to let that get to you. The BLAME is a part of their disease.
Loving an A is so devestating at times. They sure love to play mind games, and always seem to hurt the ones closest to them. Nothing is ever their fault, and you being the closest, will more than likely get the blame for anything and everything.
Just remember, always: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it, no matter how hard you try.
Hang in there friend, keep on venting, we all understand what you are going through. Try to put the focus on you and your children, do something for you. It's just not worth the agony you are putting yourself through, you will only make yourself sick, and your kids need one healthy parent!
So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take the kids out for a walk , or an icecream, or go visit a friend. Broken promises are all a part of this horrible disease and it's so sad that the children get hurt.
A lot of A's are really wonderful, loving people with a horrific disease. It is called a family disease because it affects the whole family. Try to read as much lit. as you can get your hands on. Understanding the disease has helped me tremendously. Take care, Love TLC
PS It wasn't "something stupid"! Of course you were hurt, and had a right to be.
Lastnight I did take the kids out to ice cream. They thought I was crazy because I was in the middle of making dinner. I turned all the burners off and said lets load up. We went to Sonic. Then we came home and I finished dinner.
Today I found out my inheritance check is in the mail. Meaning I can buy a house. I have never did anything alone without him by my side. It was our life and buying a house is a big thing. Now that I have took some control back I feel more out of control. If that makes any sense.
We had plans to spend the weekend together after the money got here and go awa. We haven't taken a vacation without the kids in over 10 years. My mother always pushed us in taking time for ourselves before we lost each other. But we always put if off thinking we could do it another time. She died on night in her sleep in my house at the young age of 59. Boy do I MISS my mom!!!!!! In the past whenever this stuff came up she would talk to my A and everything would be fine for awhile she had a way with him. Thats why the night she died he tried with all his heart to keep my mother on this earth with us. We are both x emt's.
Can you still be separated and go away for the weekend????
I saw your topic title, and I thought to myself how lucky you are...I was sorry to hear how he is treating your son, but it certainly is the drinking that is taking preference. My A blames me for his drinking, and I am sick of hearing about it. And, I am glad that you have quit putting the A on a pedestal as I used to do. I like taking care of me which meant that I took some of the care away from him--to even things out a little...I am trying to accept my situation for the reality that it is and trying to be as honest about life as I can. That's a real challenge. Take care of your son and of you. Be positive and let the "negative" out of your house. Love and blessings, Annie
My A and I went on a cruise together in Feb for my 50th birthday. We are divorced. We did have a talk so there would be no expectations before we left, we had a great time together even though nothing still has changed. Congrats on getting to buy you a house.
It was so nice seeing you in the chatroom tonight :) I didn't realize all that has gone on in your life at the time ((((((((((LL))))))))) hugs. I am so sorry about your mother. She died at such a young age! Some people suck their thumbs into adulthood at home or in their sleep etc. so for now if it were me I wouldn't get too excited about this. As long as he isn't doing it in front of his friends. We need to do whatever we can to make ourselves feel safe. When we change things around us change. Your son will get better as you get better I feel. I bet your kids will always remember the time mom stopped making dinner to take them out for ice cream :) That may be one of the top memories for them and a loving memory too. What a great impulsive idea to make all of you feel safe and special :) I wish I could have joined you too. Keep on doing all those things to make all of you feel special and safe. Keep on coming to alanon and working your program. You had such good replies above. Hope to see you soon. cdb :)
My heart foes out to you & your children. I know this is hard because I've been there too. Remember the 3 C's & 5 G's. Teach your son about Alcoholism. He needs to learn the 3 C's. My hubby is still very active and I have come to find a sense of peace & serenity since finding Al Anon a few moths ago.
No one - absoulutly NO ONE MADE ME DRINK - I picked the glass up all by myself. And No One - NOT ONE single person could say ANYTHING to get me to stop. I have been in AA recovery since Aug 01.
Let him say what he wants but remember the Q-Tip " Quit taking it personally."
Wow, your A sounds a lot like my A. My A has told me before that I am the reason that he drinks. And that I have the problems, and he doesnt have to take my crap anymore and that he's the man of the house and I should respect him. And I am exhausted. And you sounded exhausted too. We just have to keep telling ourselves that these are the rantings of a very sick man. And deep down inside they probably know it and it's the guilt that is making them nasty to us, not us. I go through times where the steps are working for me and I feel like I could take on anything, and then there are times (like lately) that I just despair, and cant imagine spending the rest of my life putting up with this man's crap. Maybe a seperation is what you need. My A and I seperated for about a month over this past Christmas. Our son was only 18 months so thank goodness he doesnt remember. The seperation was the best thing thsat could have happened to us. We have been closer ever since and we can actually sit down and discuss things calmly now. And we got to step back and put things into prespective. We realized that we really do love eachother and that our problams are worth working out. I hope everything works out for you and that you can find happiness. I have had depression problems most of my life and I have been hospitalized, so I know that you probably cant see an end in sight right now but there is and "this too shall pass".
