The material presented
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What can I say. I had a phone call from a man that said he found my daughter's cell phone on a busy street. He is dropping it by later. Then I was awakened from my nap (after 2 hours of sleep last night) by an old friend of my daughters. She called him from the cell phone at 4:45am and he was sleeping too heavily. I called my husband to ask if he would go to her apartment after work to check on her. Then I found her aa friends phone number who calls here and she said my daughter was totally wasted last night and didn't get home until 5am! AT least the crazy creep of a boyfriend who lied about being in Iraq is leaving today. My daughter called me last night around supper time and asked if she could come over today and if I could help her write up rummage sale tags. She has a job interview today too. Not sure what is going on yet. Just found all this out. :( :( :( This is going to hurt my husband again really bad! He is ready to snap at work he says and he feels such doom and gloom. I see my psychologist in an hour. I missed my appointment last week when daughter was drunk! Let's face it. This alcoholism wears on your body and your soul no matter how hard you try to let go and let god. I hate this disease!!!!!!!! Mom just called too. I said everything was fine here and with the kids too. What a joke! Not sure which tools I will use today or if I can even find any. Just happened to use the chatroom and this board for now. I just called the guy who she called last night. This guy was actually in Iraq. A kid from out town. I was glad she is reaching out to him. He said he told her she better not drink or drive and is pretty sure she was on foot when she dropped the phone. I hope that is true. If it is, it just shows how hard my daughter is trying and struggling to do the right things even when she drinks. cdb
Oh, it's so hard. Do what you can to take care of yourself, go to your appointment, make sure you're eating right (extra important when you can't sleep.) Maybe you and your husband can go for a drive tonight, go sit by a lake or river, walk through a forest, something that has nothing to do with all this.
Jeez, if love and prayer could cure this disease, eh?
We're here for you. Glad you're making use of the board and chat. I know how hard it can be, but do take the time to do for yourself, to be good to yourself. I think we need that most when times are the roughest. And we're worth it!!!
As my sponsor told me (and I always picture Mae West saying this LOL) "Buckle up Hon, its going to be a bumpy ride!"
Luv ya!
Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Oh boy....I know how you feel. I'm sorry to hear that she is drinking. You just remember to take care of YOU. Sounds like your husband could use some help i that area too. I am sorry....Hang in there, Mamasan
I too just want to crawl under a rock and hide. Maybe that is why I sleep until way into the afternoon. Thanks for your replies. For those that are tired of my posting and complaining,,,hey,,you don't have to read my posts. I just can't do this anymore. Thanks for your replies. cdb whatever is left of me
All i know is my experience. After really putting the truths to work, I just do not worry much at all, if at all.
Even today someone at SS said geez you have the best attitude. I said well I am a JW and i am serious about my alanon program. One day at a time, and take things as they come, and know everything will be ok.
One way or another they are.
I saw ya say no matter what ya do, alcholism will still hurt. Well that is true of a lot of stuff. There is no promise it won't hurt. But we can lessen the pain by learning how to focus on something else. Or choosing to not get involved.
Why get involved when you cannot change it? I guess I am confused how when we have loved ones who are A, and we hear they drink, we are surprised or horrified?
When my A told me he od'ed and the paramedics had to revive him, he thought I would be mad. Becuz of alanon I was not surprised and I said to him, rick it is part of the disease, it is no surprise to me. What upsets me is no one called ME.
It is a disease, I would want to be called if he was in a diabetic coma too.
When we get where our program is stronger, the pain from the disease lessens. I find I focus more on loving the person and do not take their stuff inside of me.
I am no good to them if I am weak. I refuse to let the evil make me sick anymore.
My heart truly goes out to you and husband wth all of the pain you two are suffering to see daughter struggling so hard.
Poor husband, he does not have alanon to vent to, probably no one to talk to who understands like you have us, your sponsor, and your F2F. And I am sure he loves daughter just as much as you, to keep up all of the vigilence along with you to TRY and make sure daughter is OK.
I can really relate to your husband saying he is ready to snap at work. For some people work can be an escape from family problems, a place where everything "works" like it is supposed to. However, for some people, they feel just as frazzled and overextended and stressed out at a job as they do at home, so problems are magnified in each area when the other area goes into crisis. Can you imagine the misery if there are crisis in BOTH areas at once? Nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape to, no relief...poor husband...
Maybe you can help husband? Actions speak louder than words...if he sees you put alanon into practice, sees you not stressing out about daughter, sees you not telling him to check up on her or go by there, sees you finding serenity in midst of chaose it will help him to see that sometimes you just have to come up for air.
I know we are supposed to be the "weaker sex" but I have seen that women can withstand a lot more stress than many men. I think Dad's especially tend to "lose it" when they finally see somethig that they cannot protect their baby girl from, it is hard for them.
When my daughter had her last surgery, I was surprised that husband took time off work for it, normally he would not. Funny, but I was the one who could not hold it togetner in the SHORT term, LOL, I had a panic attack which turned into an asthma attack, and my blood pressure skyrocketed so high they made me go to the emergency room. Actually it was funny, my daughter was fine THAT DAY and she was so worried about me that she insisted they help her out of bed and into a wheelchair to wheel her down to the ER with me, LOL, here she was in her gown and slippers with an IV pole attached and comforting ME, LOL. As side note, her anethesiologist was a real genius, gave her just enough to be knocked out during surgery, but she woke right up afterwards...
Well, she woke up fine and seemed to recover fine. Once I saw she was alright, I turned out OK too and we both went home together.
The next day daughter developed a really horrible allergic reaction to the dressing on her surgical wound. I don't mean to gross anyone out, it WAS gross, but her skin came off with the dressing, wherever the bandage touched her skin, her skin came off. We had to rush her back to the hospital. The surgeon said the allergic reaction was so severe that it was actually classified as a "chemical burn". They did what they could with her, to dress that wound again with paper tape, special creams, etc. the surgeon had never seen anything like it.
I had to take her back to see the surgeon everyday to see how it was healing, and if she developed any more reactions to the dressings they used. It was very tough for me, I felt horrible to see beloved daughter in pain and misery, and tough to sit alone in doctors office waiting for verdict each day, VERY stressful. The surgeon said she may need more surgery to fix the damage, or she may need to be readmitted to the hospital until her wound healed. The worse thing was this wound was in a very sensitive area...poor daughter.
Well, husband just could not cope...I told him we needed his help, he would not even have to take time off work, the surgeon checked her each day before the office closed, after her surgery was done for the day. Still, he refused to help, just turned the other way.
I thought he was awful and told him so. In a rare moment of lucidity, he told me that he cared and was praying hard that she would be alright, but he just could not stand the stress. The surgery was not so bad, as it was pretty straightforward and the surgeon was the best but this thing where the outcome was not known and was grossing him out, he could not take. He said it was all he could do to keep thigns going at work so she would still have medical coverage so I could take her to get the help that she needed.
Well, that IS a very important contribution, and needed. It took me awhile to see that he WAS helping, how he could. My Mom also told me that men often can't take as much long term stress. Unlike women, they often do not talk about their misery to others and often keep things bottled up until they have a heart attack, a stroke, or just explode somehow in an emotional or mental healthy crisis. At least they provide the tools for OTHERS to help out with home and family problems.
My daughter finally healed after many many weeks. She developed minor reactions to all of the adhesive tapes used by the surgeon. She finally just used a "teflon" non-stick pad to hold the anteseptic burn cream on the large wound, and used an ace bandage to hold it on. Finally, when daughter started to heal and it was not so stressful, husband came to last appointment with surgeon with us.
I am worried about you, but am glad to see you are taking care of yourself, therapist, meetings, venting here. But I am more worried about poor husband, if he is telling you he is barely hanging on then it must be really difficult for him. Hopefully you can help him keep thigns together before you have TWO in crisis family members on your hands.
Maybe let work be enough stress for him right now? Not call him at work with "updates" on horrible news about beloved daughter? Not ask him to stop by after work? Stop giving him constant updates about bad news?
We are here for you cdb, I know many of us are praying for you and your family.
I hope I said nothing to offend you, I am trying to be as helpful as I can, but I am new to alanon, so if I inadvertantly say something wrong, please forgive me.
Thanks again for your kind replies and so supportive,
My mind is so fuzzy now and my heart so broken again. I just keep thinking that my daughter is now like the town drunk! Walking around downtown drunk on her butt until 5am! She wouldn't even know if she got raped! I just wish I could be hopeful or helpful but I can't. I probably will not post until I can be all positive and happy again. Who wants to hear this gloom and doom. No wonder we isolate ouselves. Right now I wish I were never born! Then my daughter wouldn't be born either and have to have this evil disease!!!!! See Why I am done posting. I am just all done. Hope everything works well for you all. It works if you work it ,,,,if you aren't me. cdb
please don't stop posting. We all love you so much and we don't think of your post as "gloom and doom." It breaks my heart to know that you and your family are hurting and going through this terrible time with this horrible, hateful disease. We are praying for you and your daughter. It works if you work it and YOU ARE WORTH IT, CDB!!!! It is natural to hurt for your children and not one of us would react any differently.
We love you (((((((((((CDB))))))))))) Keep coming back!
Just woke up at 4pm. I am trying so hard. I don't know why this seems like a dream or nightmare. You work so hard your entire pregnancy and life to do the best you can with your children. NO one can ever be prepared for anything like this. I started in alanon a year ago in June. I have worked my program so hard. I am just so worn out. I keep on trying to go forward so hard. Thanks for your kind words. I guess I just need to keep on reading your replies and trying to get some strength to keep going on. cdb
C you keep venting and letting it out. I always said i believe when it is your child it is ever so much harder.
The more you come and let it out, the stronger you will get. I know, I remember thinking how now the whole town will know that A relapsed and he will lose all the integrity he had built up.
I agree with what someone else said, do your best to do anti stressors.
C is there any, any possibility of you, husband and your daughter going away for awhile/
i mean even if you have to handcuff her after she gets in the car, take her away for a bit and get her sober and give it your all. I had to do this a few times to make sure I knew I had tried everything.
It might help you and husband to see your real daughter for a bit again.
I may be wrong suggesting this. but she is so precious and you guys love her so much.
I wish so bad she would go on a survival outward bound and learn some truths, learn more about herself and what is important to her.
maybe it would give her more of a foundation to be able to be sober.
It is horrible when you want the best for your loved one, especially your child. Plus she is still very young. it is horribly scarey.
Easy for me to say, just love her and that is it. But in reality, she is part you and your husband, so when she is hurting and in a mess so are you.
It would take a whole lot of alanon and time working it to really get a grip when it is your kids.
This is just me. I will keep you all in my prayers C. The more you come here and let it out the better you will feel. WE care and understand and completely know what makes you love her.
give yourself a hug for me. sometimes the net can sound cold and we cannot say what we mean or are misunderstood.
Please know I do know how much you hurt and how much you both love your daughter. Hang on as best ya can, I used to ask hp to hang onto me tight when I was losing it.
Please do not stop posting. We have all been through this doom & gloom. This board is for ALL of us to vent so please Keep Coming Back !!!!!!!
My heart goes out to you & your family honey. You are all in my thoughts & prayers.
I know it is really hard at this time but STAY STRONG - you are worth it. Read literature & post because we are all here to help each other.
As for people sick of your posts - thats their problem & choice - they don't have to read them.
We who love you will read them as you are important to us. This program is about fellowship and I am sure that you have been there for many others. And we will be there for you now.
Look after yourself CDB & know that God loves you.
CTC - Aug 3
"Experiance is not what happens to you, it what you do with what happens to you."
Sorry to hear that your daughter is really struggling with her sobriety. I have no experience with having an active alcoholic in such a close relationship, but it sounds as if she has not truly hit her bottom yet. Remember to take care of yourself first.
I'm so sorry to hear about the suffering you and your family are dealing with right now. Know that posting helps not only YOU but those who are reading it. Recently i went tot he chatroom and i was the one hurting and you kindly reached out to me. I really appreciated it. If I can do anything for YOU, right now please let me know. Meanwhile I'll pray for you and your family.
Thanks so much for your replies from you hearts. I am a little better today but vulnerable. I don't know what to say about suffering being a choice. I am not going to put myself into some guilt trip. I so agree with Debilyn that it helps to get things out. I spent my entire life covering up feelings and pretending everything was fine and all that got me was very ill. Yes alanon is about solutions. But we are humans and if we cannot get out our feelings from this horrible awful disease of alcoholism then we may as well be robots going around preaching. That is my humble opinion. So thanks for letting me be real and honest. There are not very many places we can be like this and not be abandoned or chastised. I think I am a little better because I can vent and talk about my inside feelings. Thanks for the idea Debilyn. I certainly thought about that today. I am not sure what to do. Those programs take so much money. Could you give me a website again to look up. She is on our insurance for a little less than a year still. Please get back with me on this Debilyn. It is worth at least me looking into. I will re-read the replies too tomorrow when I am thinking more clearly. cdb
and we both went home together.