The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First off, I am so grateful I found Al-Anon and this place----I have been coming here daily for about a month, although I dont post much I find strength and learning from others who seem to have been working this program longer than I. I am attending local meetings 2-3 nights a week.
Today I am in a place of resentment and anger at my A, he relasped last week, he got high one night, after coming down, he started the crying, full of shame, self pity, depressed. Although he hadnt stopped attending his meetings, he was not working the program, not communicating with his sponsor and was defocused on work, etc. Following his night aof using, he got in touch with sponsor, went to AA meetings, set up times to work steps with sponsor, etc. Funny thing too, when I discovered him using, I was ok, maintained my sense of well being, remained focused. I didnt feel hurt, hurt for him but not me. I thank Al-Anon for those tools. But now, I am feeling so strange.
He was offered several large projects for work which will keep him busy over the next few months, he is afraid of being overwhelmed and has mentioned he plans to speak to sponsor about this, but I also feel him pulling away from me in order to do what he needs to do to remain sober-he has even mentioned we will probably not see each other as much- as he is working late, going to a evening meeting and has to get up early for his 7 meeting. I need my sleep too, really not good for him to be coming over at 10 pm
Why do I feel resentment over this? Why do I feel rejected? Why do I feel needy for him when he is clearly doing what he needs to do right now? Why do I expect him to meet my needs right now when he cant even take care of himself? I have told him to not worry about our relationship right now that he needs to concentrate on his program, etc. But you know what, part of me doesnt really mean it- its like I want him to need me. I know this is all about me! I want to feel at ease and OK but I am not. This am when giving him a hug, I just didnt feel the love from myself or him. I felt myself acting bitchy-
You are certainly in the right place. Please keep coming back. I found that the times my husband was trying to work the program or work overtime to make up for money he had wasted, I was resentful. Yes, it was because my needs weren't being met. I felt selfish because I was glad he was doing what was right, but angry that he had a problem to begin with. I was angry that he was sick and had to take time away from me and the kids to get better. I also feared he would get better and not need me anymore. I was also worried that he would "wake-up" and truly see me for the person I am instead of the angel who continues to rescue him. If I didn't have his recovery to focus on, I would have to focus elsewhere, like on myself. That is a scary thought. Also, if he's not using, I don't have his addiction to blame every problem on. While he is using, it is convenient to blame everything that doesn't go right on his addiction. When he is sober, we each have to accept our fair share of responsibilities. Lastly, he would begin to depend on other people for help with his sobriety. That made me feel like a failure. I am the one who loves him and put up with all of his junk...I should be the one who can get him to stop. If people were going to blame me for him using, I wanted the credit for him getting well. It took me a while to realize my thinking wasn't what it should be.
I am sorry you are having a hard time. My sponsor always reminds me to be more gentle on myself when I am having a hard time, not harder on myself.
It sounds like you are frustrated and angry because your needs aren't being met. One of the toughest things I have learned in Al-Anon is that I need to meet my own needs -- not rely on another person to get the job done.
I believe that you want to be very supportive of your A and not feel the way you feel. However, if you don't confront your feelings, they're likely to just get bigger and bigger until you deal with them. Perhaps it's just taking your heart a little while longer to catch up to where your head is in this matter. That's okay. Be patient with yourself and detach as much as you need to for YOU. Remember, we are just as sick as the alcoholic.
Keep coming back.
Love, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
It is hard when our "A" finally starts working a program, isn't that what we always wanted? I know for me I was resentful of all the time he spent away from the family when he started going to meetings and meeting with his sponsor. Here he was clean and sober and wasn't at home. So I through myself into my meetings, talking to my sponsor, and working my program. I still missed him, but I was able to see how my program helped me and knew that if I wanted to keep him clean and sober he needed time to work his program.
My "A" is no working any program now, and is active again, but all the knowledge and understanding I have gained by working it is helping me get through this time as well.
Keep coming back it really works
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Boy oh Boy all the questions you asked at the end of your post are the ones I have been trying to find words for.
I feel your pain! I feel like my A is AWOL from the marriage. That the marriage and I have to wait so the A can get through what he gets through and we are standing here alone and lonely.
He is happy while I sit here sad. He wants everything to go smooth because he wants nothing to disrupt what he is doing.
I also need support just like I give to him all these years but I can't get the support on an issue I have. "An eating disorder that comes out every now and then"
I feel for you and I will be watching this thread to see what others say. All of this is new to me as it seems new to you.
I think Powerless hit a lot of nails on the head there. Same old alanon answers to our problems - focus on your own behaviour, not theirs; be good to yourself; do what's best for you. It took a long time to get here, it doesn't get all better overnight.
How very familiar this sounds. Why when he isn't drinking, when he is finally trying to do what I have wanted for so many years, when he is finally being considerate and kind....why, why, why am I feeling so strange and upset? Change. Things are changing. I'm not having to try and diffuse drama and insanity. I don't have anything to gripe about. I'm having to adjust to a new way of life! Whoa! LOL Yes, it is very "strange" at first and yup, it sure takes a lot of adjusting. Thank goodness my sponsor told me to just keep working my program as if he were still actively drinking. I think what she meant is that, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, that we do need to live One Day At A Time, that what we learn in Al-Anon are tools to live by for the rest of our life - not just for a short time and then we discard them. I know these Al-Anon tools have only helped to better and enhance my life, a new way of living and being. Life is always full of change, some good, some bad. I'm learning how to take both in stride, rather than to panic every time there is some kind of change happening. Learning how to adjust to it. Glad I have this program and everyone here to come to and talk about these things! Cause yup! it sure can get strange at times!! And I can sure feel at a "loss" at times. But when I am feeling lost and alone I always know I have my program friends to come talk to, and that helps so much. When he isn't here and I am feeling that way, all I need to do is log onto chat or this message board and suddenly I am surrounded by loving, caring friends and before I know it I am laughing and giggling and feeling good. We need our program as much as they need theirs. Helps to fill in the blanks, know what I mean?
Take care!!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Thank you to all who offered me support and wisdom. I have no expectations of my A right now, he is very self absorbed and depressed at the moment. He has a plan and I have one too! I am taking care of myself, going to my meetings, coming here and when I have those negative thoughts, I try to understand why and then get into an action mode, action for me, whatever it might be, watering the flowers, going for a walk, talking to my sis who is in recovery----I know I have a long way to go but Im trying----thanks again to all.
