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Ok I know I am new to all this. But I am almost so frustrated I feel like my soul will burst open.
I have heard on board that if you have expectations of your A it will creat resentments.
This is how I see it. I know it will be just a stage I am going through and will make it someday to understand.
I feel if we have no expectations of our spouse (A) that he gets off scotch free and doesn't have to work on the marriage. Because he is an A that makes everything ok.
Sorry to cut that short the A walked in. He tried to look at the screen. he says you trying to hide something? Boy of Boy, if he knew he might think I was crazy. Because its not about me its about him and his drinking that the drinking doesn't cause me to have problems it only affects him and the kids.
Dang I feel least then dirt.
Now back to resentments. I feel I will resent him either way. I don't understand how I have to work so hard to keep the family together, cook, clean and be the mother the kids cry with. And to not expect him to be apart of it because he has this problem!!!!
Like it or not, if we have expectations, they are likely to turn into resentments. It's part of the concept that we have no control over the A's or anyone else in our lives, for that matter. You can go ahead and expect certain behavior and actions from your A, but will that make him live up to those?
I am better off when I don't have expectations for other people -- especially the A's in my life -- because that means I am keeping the focus on myself and not living my life as a victim. I spent too many years allowing my mood and bahavior to be swayed by the next strong wind instead of setting my own course. Expectations and resentments just keep me more tied into the disease of alcoholism and further away from my Higher Power.
Hope this helps. Take care.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
I work at a treatment center so work with clients that are A's and addicts then go home to one. I can tell you from what I learned this last year is that the definition of insanity "to do the same thing over and over expecting different results" the changes I have made for myself and work on daily are helping me to become a better person. Either my A will join me or not, but I can not spend hours, days, weeks, months, or years, obsessed with his problems and behavior. I love my husband and want to be with him, but I can only change myself. They don't get off scott free, because with the addiction comes a vicious cycle of shame and guilt, we don't see it a lot of the time but they have it tucked inside, when I push for changes in his behavior he pushes the shame and guilt further inside where he doesn't have to deal with it. What I'm doing for me, helps me, that's what's important.
I understand the whole thing about you can't control others actions or thoughts. I would never ask anyone to change for me for then they wont be the person whom I fell in love with.
The expectations I was talkin about are those things which come with responsibility in life. Take for example it takes two to work on a marriage to make it grow stong and flourish. When you have children dont you expect the other parent to take some responsibility. Thats why they created child support laws.
My expectations in my marriage and life out of him are the basics. I know I can't control if he stops and has a drink. I know I can't make him come home when he is out drinking. I can't tell him he can never have another drink. Its all up to him to make these choices and the consequences are his to bear.
My A would rather have a drink then talk about the marriage that is falling apart. I pet on him, I cater to him, I laugh with him, I play pool with him and I make myself available whenever he needs my attention. I do that to put forth my share in making a marriage work. All books I have read on marriage is two people have to do their share of the work to keep it strong and burning. Isn't a person expected to remember an anniversary? But instead expect nothing and let them drink all the money up then you can't even go to Burger King on that date?
But I feel my A lets his drinking come above everything else. So if I have no expectations it would be a one way road with this marriage. The drinking just puts an excuse in the mix.
Am I just to confused to see the bigger picture? Or did my words not come out right on the first post on this thread?
I guess it's more a question of - you are talking about what should be, rather than talking about what is. If you having expectatons of him, and telling him those expectations, makes him live up to them, then fine. However, if having the expectations only makes you mad because he does not see any of this as his responsibility, then what good are the expectations doing you? If you are pouring more and more of yoursef into the marriage in the hopes that he will match it, and he doesn't, then how do you deal with that?
What alanon is about is helping us stop wishing we had the life we dream of, and looking the life we DO have full in the face. It's about changing the things we don't like that we have power over, and letting the things we don't have power over go. Most of us have spent years banging our heads against the brick walls of our spouses' disease. For some of us, letting go has meant letting go of a marriage that just does not work, that is too one sided. For others, we have found a way to be happy within the marriage. One way to find some happiness married to an A is to give what we feel we freely can, without hope of return. If we are giving so much that we feel the balance of giving is too one sided, we don't deal with it by asking for more, but, maybe, by giving less. Nagging, resenting, keeping score, being disappointed - all of these things won't make the A change. They will only make us unhappy.
I don't know how long your A has had a drinking problem...but what I have heard in Al-Anon is that the emotional maturity of an alcoholic stops at the age they began drinking. That they are unable to mature emotionally until they quit drinking. So, for example, if someone started drinking at age 17, then that is the mental/emotional age they are at while they are an active drinker. And that it can take a year (or more) for the brain to "dry out" once they have quit. Things don't change overnight, but they can change with time and patience and love. Working a program is essential.
Knowing all this helped me in regards to the "expectations" I had of my A. Knowing he had to learn "how to love" (having come from an alcoholic home and never experiencing a healthy love) has helped me to back off from expecting that which he is incapable of at this time. The same holds true for all the "basics" of being a parent. In some ways he is good at that, in other ways he is sooo enabling it drives me nuts. But I do see little steps of improvement.
I had to really focus on myself, on my own program, on how I thought and felt. I have had to readjust my own attitude and thinking so many times. Yes I hear you about the hurt we ourselves feel, the feeling of being "less than dirt", the "don't I matter???" feelings. I can tell you from my own experience, prior to Al-Anon I cried a lot, I let him know how miserable his drinking made me, a single look on my face when he picked up a drink showed him how unhappy and angry I was....and all that did was make him feel more guilt and shame - and anger - feelings he couldn't handle and therefore he would drink more to try and drown out those feelings. My first sponsor shared with our group about the 4th C - "but you can Contribute to it". My reacting to his drinking did that. It helped fuel the fire, feed the disease, enabled. Once I started doing things differently - I would pretend it didn't bother me when he picked up a drink, I would paste a smile on my face, I would speak lovingly to him - ("Fake It till you Make It") - my acting in this way (rather than reacting as before) helped to calm everyone/everything. We used to get into verbal fights 3 or 4 times a week, always due to my reacting. Once I stopped reacting, well its hard to fight when just one person is playing the game. I have been in Al-Anon 21 months and can count on one hand the number of verbal fights we've had since then. Big improvement, yes?
The one thing I know is that without this program I wouldn't be the person I am today. I had totally lost sight of me and become a miserable shrew. Now I laugh and joke a lot, I stand up for myself, I do things just for me, take time just for me. My children are happier, my hubby is happier. My changed attitude is aiding recovery for both me and him. He is currently working on trying to quit. He stopped for almost a month, then went out one night and bought a bottle. I had to really focus on my program, work to not let my old behaviors spring up again. My sponsor told me "put on your seatbelt - buckle up - its going to be a bumpy ride". I am grateful that I have her and this program, that I knew ahead of time that quitting can be a process with many starts and stops. I know I have "slipped" many times in my own program, and therefore can understand his "slips" and not let them send me over the edge. I remind myself all the time to keep my focus on myself and not on him. ("Live and Let Live") When I lose my focus, that is when I find myself slipping. I recently talked with him about my feelings of the loss of intimacy we have. Turns out it does bother him too, that he wants to work on that too. I couldn't have brought this issue up when I was new in program, I was too raw, too hurting. It would have turned into a "blame" game and only hurt us both more. I had to learn how to communicate in a healthy way first. ("say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.")
The many tools and slogans that we learn in Al-Anon CAN help, can make a difference. Even if they never find recovery, a "miracle" can happen - and that miracle will be you!
Keep coming back!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I just remember if I Expected my husband to show up on time for dinner--he would fall short of that expectation as a heavy drinker and, of course, be late or show up at "his" time, not when I had it fixed. That led me to be angry and resentful. Eventually, I knew he would always be late, that was typically "normal" behavior for a drunk. I would eat my dinner, if he wanted his, he had to reheat it or fix his own. I was never disappointed from that point on when he didn't show. It was lonely as hell, but I wasn't let down anymore in disappointment by expecting him to behave like a sober person. Yes, I always felt alcoholics get to run scott-free of any responsibility while they are actively drinking. It was in my best interest to take care of me in alanon and use the tools of detachment. That's how I got through.
You are so right. My husband started drinking at the age of 15 . At 16 he lived with friends and drank daily. I met him at 17 and we fell in love. Although the complete opposites we were convinced we could make it work. I must confess, my mother was skeptical and still is.. Her response is " just leave him, you deserve better " Easier said than done. I love my husband but often get frusterated that he dosent help with the children, taking to games and school events. I think we all have expectations of each other . It is only natural. We should be able to depend on one another for love, companionship, compassion, among other things.. As parents it should be a joint adventure .. It is too bad they dont see it that way ..
I hope you are getting as much out of the message board as I am ..
Hi LL, it is confusing at first, but he isn't getting off scott free, if u think about it he isn't contributing to the marriage anyway, he is drinking and booze is a formidable mistress, no one wins., Al-Anon will show u how detach with love and get your life back on track,instead of obessing about what to do about him. there is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself.
His disease is progressing, yours dosen't have too. Your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and u too need to recover. In our literature it says that changed attitiudes can aid recovery. Al-Anon is for you , I hope uare attending f2f meetings for yourself they will help alot as u begin to understand just how powerful this disease is and figure out that it has nothing to do with you. Nothing u do or say will make him quit and your not powerful enough to make him drink either.
Keep commin here, take care of you as u are the only one at the moment that see's the need for change. good luck Louise
great post! There is alot of wisdom in these replies.
for me i had to lower my expectation, not totally remove them. Instead of expecting him to be home to eat when i ahd dinner ready, I expected him to come home that night and eat when he got ready. Instead of expecting him to do every thing i asked him to do, I expected him to do MOST of it. That way when he did not do something I thogth he should do as a husband.father, etc then that one thing could be one of those things left out with the qualification "most".
Alcoholics only focus on their next drink. The family is not usually their #1 prioity. So when He is avoiding family responsibioities, he's jsut behaving like an alkie.
When I focused on myself and my own attitudes, I got better. As long as I expected him to behave like a model sober husband, I jsut got sicker and sicker.
resentments get created NO MATTER WHAT!
