punky

With all due respect I am the mom of an addict son (21) your situation sounds much like ours when he began doing drugs and drinking.
He was very good a hiding it from us at first but for a kid who's IQ is genuis level the fact he was failing all his classes was a big neon sign for us... then he started skipping school so I would drive him there everymorning just to watch him walk in the doors and then apperently walk right back out the moment I left. When we first found out he was smoking pot it by the police bringing him home, he swore up and down he was just "trying" it.
It only went downhill from there ( i had not found alanon back then ). We tried everything we could think of ( neither hubby or I are A's) drug classes, therapy etc. Looking back I should have been testing him with those home tests periodically. At one point he combined pills and booze got caught by police but they just released him into our custody rather than charge him the combination of those things changed his personality that one night. He is a totally non violent kid but he was punching holes in the walls, screaming, trying to get back outside of the house. I had to call 911 his father and I restrained him ( he's 6'1") next thing I knew I was looking down the barrel of a gun from one of the policemen who had charged in the house. He went to juvenile hall that night. Judge was going to release him to our cusody the next day but we refused to take him until we could find him some intense rehab counseling. When we found a therapist we then told the judge we would bring him home.
Can't legally throw a kid out at 15 not that we would have.
Had I found alanon even then I would while he was still a minor started dragging his butt to AA meetings. Seems thats the one thing we didnt think of to do.
Today he sits in a jail rehab unit and I pray something clicks for him.
But alanon is for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't stress that enough.... with all the insanity our son created we became sometimes crazier acting than he was.
We did all the screaming, crying, begging etc only to have him go out and get high.
We don't give advice here unless your safety is an issue. But if I had to do it over again I would be drug testing randomly at home and dragging his butt to AA.
I have found and I am sure everyone here will agree with me that A's lie and manipulate thier way thru life. They do it so well they make you doubt what you are seeing right before your very eyes.
By the time I walked thru these doors I was crazy and felt total alone in this world,
found a place of understanding, support and love.
Find some meetings in your area or meet us here on line at our meeting times in the meeting rooms you will find tremdous support and relief
Blessings to you

Punky by any chance are you related to Zippity?...Okay just had to get that one
out of the way...It owned me since you got here...LOL  For starters I am a past
Behavioral Health Therapist who use to work with Adolescent Abusers and their
Families...Okay now that I got that out of the way I gotta tell you that what most
of my parents had to learn was how to respond to the "little devils" in a way that
held them most responsible for their actions and consequences without being
permissive (not a trick statement).  The process actually comes thru respect,
trust and faith and the courage to follow thru on your part.  It takes tons of
courage to hold the critters to their consequences and it takes magic to set
consequences without letting on what they will be before hand.  Young people
have a knack of coming to a decision about whether a consequence is worth it
or not before they go do their own thing.  Keep the nature of the consequence
away from the perpetrator...secret but doable.  Don't promise consequences you
won't follow thru on (another secret).  There is a large difference twix can't and
won't and knowing that difference is about knowing yourself.  Can't means you
are not able...don't have the time, facility or ability.  Won't means you're afraid
of doing it because of something that might happen to or for you.   She will love
and use both of these against you if she knows ahead of time what her consequences
are or might be.

Respecting her allows her grace...She's got a brain let her talk to you from it.
Share information with her like we share with each other here.  Let her in on
your journey and listen to hers...you already know hers, respect her by letting
her know what it was like for you...there are tons of similarities, share them.
She is a younger version of you and you have the gift of experience.  Don't
assume that she just knows and if she tells you she does...smile and tell her
you use to bs just like that when you were her age. Then get back on what it
really is like without pointing a finger at her or placing a large thumb on her
head to keep her in her place and come to an understanding.  I thought I
use to have a permanent thumb print from my mothers up there for just the
longest of times.  Respect her...ask her how she sees the picture of what is
going on in her life (including her friends, you, her dad, her school, her future
etc etc) without it looking like an oral exam.  "Be interested...not interesting"
comes to mind as one of my lessons before or while I was building a cliental.
My cliental was large...school systems, clinic, hospital, after-care treatment.  I
learned that everytime I came off as being the person in power I was setting
myself up for the "tomato toss and setting up myself to be had".  

If you already have some entrenched resentments, fears, biases, prejudices
and foregone conclusions between you and she...get rid of them all or just
send her to juvie and try to live thru the loss.  I applied the very same practice
with my own kids as I did as a professional.  My kids never felt like they were
being theapatized (?) and I wasn't doing anything I didn't believe in and 
practice myself.

So that is just a thimble full or maybe half a thinble full of suggestion from 
the professional side...From social model recovery side Al-Anon Family 
Group face to face meetings is where we (wife and I) get our tools from.
We know that works.  That is what we do.

If you are being manipulated by anyone...it's with your permission and assistance 
believe it or not.   If you believe it you can go get help for it.  If you don't
believe it there's not much chance for the moment.  

In support (((((hugs)))))  

Hi Punky,

When it comes to kids, I truly believe in tough love!!!

I have many single Mother friends that tried to be fair and respect their childrens rights and all they got was more grief. I dont think a 15 year old can make a a good judgement call for their own lives. Sorry.

When I was growing up in the 50's & 60's the Father was the strong figure in the household, since that has all changed now, we seemed to have lost our way when it comes to bringing up kids in this society with all its temptations. Parents have forgotten their powers over their children, you are still responsible for everything they do. You can be held accountable legally. So since you are held accountable for their actions. I say take back your power. The problem is between your husband and yourself. Parents have to be united and on the same page. When the child knows there not , they use it to their advantage. Ive seen it many times with my own nephews when the parents were divorced and not united in the child rearing.

Your daughter is still a minor and a child, and under the influence of a bad friend and you cannot kick out a 15 year old, I think thats the worst thing that could ever happen. You should follow your gut instincts and take back your power as Parents, sounds like your daughter is running the show. Sorry to be so blunt.

With compassion and Luv, Bettina