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My A--who's been gone for 11 days just showed up yesterday. Begging for mercy--"I don't want to be like this, I hate this, I need help" yadda, yadda. I kept asking him to leave and he started saying it's my house too and stuff like that. During the 11 days I couldn't get him on the phone to discuss anything, like the selling of our rental property, or the refinancing of our current home because I can't afford the 15 year mortgage on 1 salary--he hasn't worked since March.
I am so very sick of this. I'm still waiting to hear from the attorney regarding my rights. I have to hope that he can't keep waltzing back in here when he's over a binge. He is also being belligerent in regards to refinancing. He is absolutely against it but he lives in a fantasy land most of the time (this is only recent behavior). He's got a little money in a separate acct and he's basically living on that right now but I'm sure it's nearly all gone--but he just said he'd give me money to pay some bills. I'm working and I make a good salary but we have alot of bills.
He's in the throes of the illness and he drinks for days on time and then wants to "work things out." I don't even know if I want to work things out at this point if he gets sober--knowing the true odds of people staying sober.
Dear Mom...I'm always at my weakest when the "honeymoon" starts over again. For me, it is always a short one, til it all starts over again. I hope he does contribute to your bills, as I'm sure he helped to make them.
Keep your thoughts on what is best for you. Waiting is so hard, but sometimes that's the only way the direction is clear. Do what your heart guides you to do today, and try not to see so far down the road. Life has so many twists and turns you'll never see down that road anyway. If you find a little serenity and happiness today, take it!
thank you for sharing with us, and know that you are in my prayers today...G
ok I was there. get him to quit claim the houses to you. he lets go of any interest.
get a legal separation if he gets into an accident you cannot be sued and lose your homes
Protect yourself!!!! I am not kidding, since i did all this I feel so much better. I did n' not trust him ever getting better, they don't. I am sorry but they don't. they may for awhile god blessem but they are sick.
there is no reason not to protect you. even if he got 100% sober in program for 20 years there is nothing wrong with taking care of you.
The day of man works, woman stays home are over. We are all screwed up now.
Both work, woman usually does all of house stuff still and child raising...dumb
not mens fault just things are changing, and as usual the woman gets the harder end.
well harder is the wrong word. womens lives are more complicated now.
i feel we all need to be independant as far as finances, housing, vehicles, money, if we were, what would there be to fight about?
Whether it is an a or not, to me makes no difference. Mine had a brain tumor removed, what if he was not a? He was brain damaged from it anyway. WE can lose each others finances, etc in other ways too
so i believe in the power to protect ourselves It also protects the A. If they get real sick or when they do, we have a home to bring them to if we choose to WE are not too bitter from losing everything
I told my daughter this too, who is in love with an A.It is ok to love someone with alcoholism, but set your life up accordingly. I wish I had known this before.Would have done so many things different.
I am so glad you went to an attorney. i hope you get good news.
I don't know about them being able to abandone you then just come back.
Anyhow keep coming back. you are doing great!! one step, one day!! love,debilyn
My A is exactly the same. he does not work and binges and binges for days on end. He ket asking when we would be getting back together and I told him when he is sober we will talk about that.
I haven't spoken to him in awhile now....
My A lives in fantasy land too. he did not always but he does now
He is a danger and a libility to me should he kill someone while driving drunk or whatever sorry trouble that he will get himself in.
I went to a lawyer 2 weeks ago and asked for legal protection.
he told me here in New Jersey the only legal protection is divorce we don't have legal separation
Did you call your lawyer and let him know the A showed back up?
I will say some prayers for you.
megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Keeping a record by documenting the times he is gone could be a great thing for your attorney. We need to take care of us and it sounds like you are doing a good job of that. I see you have some good replies above. Keep on posting and doing what you need to for you. It sounds like you are thinking clearly and have your head on straight. cdb :) One day at a time.
Not much I can add to those good replies, except I'll be praying for you. Take care of you, keep coming back. We have a great support team here. Love TLC
As always, thanks for the replies and support. As Megan stated, in NJ there is no "legal separation" but there is some protection regarding the finances because I have retained an attorney and I am not responsible for the debts incurred without my knowledge.
That being said, if his debtors sue him the money will come out of his half of the assets, but not mine. So I really only lose money if we stay together.
The attorney did call me back and I'm frustrated because I have to get a ton of paperwork done and it will take 1-2 months to sort this out through the courts--I'm just worn out about it all. I feel so resolved when he is gone--but doubts creep in when he shows up--could he really get sober?? That would be the best scenario for my children. As I said, I don't even know if I want to be together anymore--
He didn't give me the money yet. I don't know where he is right now--don't care. He called me at work today crying---stating he can't live like this anymore---he hates himself, hates his life---said he would be in a rehab tomorrow. I can't live like this anymore either. I just want the madness to end. Get sober or go away for good and leave us alone.
I hope I choice a good attorney. He is very expensive but I feel at a loss right now for what to do next. I keep waiting for something to happen to show me the way but it hasn't yet.
For now I'm letting this rest. Tomorrow is my birthday and it won't be my happiest but I am taking my babies to my sister's for cake and ice cream and I will enjoy the day.
Happy Birthday mom to 2 :) Enjoy your kids and know that they have a very strong loving mom that would do anything for them! You have so many excellent qualities that I can see from your posts. Give yourself credit and celebrate your life for today and for the moment. Try not to even give the alcoholism situation a thought if you can. Why give it the power today when you can choose to enjoy all the things you have and are grateful for. Maybe wright up a gratitude list for yourself and include a list of your good qualities. That would be a great gift from you to you. Have a very happy day and best wishes to you! cdb :)
Thank-you for the information on the debts accrued.
On the day that I signed my divorce papers my A called me.
I had not heard from him in weeks as I am enforcing my boundary of not talking to him when he is drunk and that means I no longer talk to him at all...sigh...it is hard. My heart was so torn when he said how can you divorce me I still love you? I told him I still loved him too but he was crazy and I needed legal prtection from his actions. Then we started to get into it and I hung up
here is what I gave him in order for us to ever be together:
q
My A is sober and in a program for 6 months
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He acknowledges and accepts responsibility for what he's done, fully acknowledges that he used abuse to control you and that it was wrong, and he isn't blaming you, other people, his stress, his job, or any other outside circumstances for his choices.
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He is no longer denying it, making light of it, or making excuses for it.
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He acknowledges that he chose to behave this way instead of saying that other people made him do it, or that he can't control himself.
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He fully understands and acknowledges that what he did was wrong.
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He admits lies, he admits what he's done and is not longer making up stories to make himself look better.
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He is no longer trying to hide his behavior from others.
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He understands that recovery from abusiveness takes a long time and he'll have to work at it for a long, long time.
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He understands what his behavior has cost you.
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He understands fully that you have been hurt by what he's done, and the ways in which you've been hurt.
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He will talk about it with you in depth about how you feel, your fear, your hurt, your anger, your rights, your lack of trust for him and understands fully that it is his behavior that has caused it.
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When you express anger at him, he listens instead of getting angry and trying to shout you down, threatening you or trying to convince you that something's wrong with you for feeling that way.
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He is sorry for what he's done, and is working hard to overcome the damage he's done and is actively making up for it by giving you back what is rightfully yours - money, rights, freedoms, choices, etc..
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He understands that it will take his victims a long time to recover from what he's done to them.
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He is proving to you that he understands that you're a human being with rights and is no longer trying to take them away from you. No more double standards.
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He understands that you're an equal human being, and he's not superior to you.
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He's pulling his weight.
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He's respecting your opinions, even the ones with disagree with his.
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He's accepting your right to be angry with him for what he's done, and you can talk about his abuse with him.
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He's respecting your right to independence and your right to freedom.
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He stops interfering in your friendships and family relationships and you are able to re-establish and repair these, and make new friends.
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He stops monitoring your movements, demanding to know where you are and who's there.
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He stops expecting sex on demand.
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He is taking into account how you're affected by his behavior and choices.
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He's stopped drinking.
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He's stopped doing those things that are inappropriate for a committed relationship.
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He takes responsibility for what he does and how it affects you
He acknowledges the contributions you made to the relationship.
He is no longer blocking communication, he listens and respects what you have to say.
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Thank you for the birthday wish. I have alot to be grateful for but it's still not the best birthday for me. I hope you are doing well too.
Megan,
As always, love your post. It's weird because my husband has never blamed anyone, he's only angry at himself, he accepts full responsibility for his actions. That being said, he doesn't accept the consequences---he says he understands why I don't want him here and he expresses utter remorse but he will disappear again anyway. Besides the personal consequences with myself, there are severe financial consequences and he is running from those. He even said so. Meg, I get the feeling you are like me alittle---we're walking away because we have to but if there was hope we'd try to stay. These alcoholics are really immature types and even "sober" I'm not sure they are an easy lot.
I went to the lawyer and thought I filed for divorce but found out later that I had to do a bunch of paperwork and go back to the lawyer, etc. I started getting scared that he could get liberal visitation by a crazy judge and decided to back off the legal process since he doesn't even have an attorney right now. If he got a good attorney they could say he's mentally disabled and before I know it I'd be paying alimony and getting no child support until he's "better." I didn't want to push him into something he didn't even want to do. so, as long as he was giving me money, I was just doing my thing here and things were no better or worse. He was not here anyway.
But, he stopped giving me money and I started freaking about not being able to pay the mortgage on my own and about not being able to sell the rental prop on my own.
He just called and said he's emptying his bank acct and giving it to me. He got a small settlement for a car accident recently and that is why he has this money. It's not alot but enough to get me through a few months---I do have a good job but can't pay the bills on my salary alone. Again, he swears it's going to end this time.
I am educated enough now to know it's just not that simple for it to stop. And even if he did stop--the root of his emotional illness is deep. I want stability-emotional and financial. Doubt I will ever have it.
I'm so happy to have a place to post my thoughts.
I am sorry for your troubles too. You know, they do love us--they are just so messed up.
mom to 2
ps because of the children he will always be in my life
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!! Your birthday is what you make of it. If you are sad because it is not the way you want it to be then it will be sad. If I choose to be gratful for what I have and who chooses to be there I can have a great day if I choose to. Sometimes, things I would like is not the best. Like I would get him to my party and he would show himself and I would have the worst time. I usually want the person I want him to be. SOBER. Today I just try and be thankful for what I have.
I to went through the same thing with my A. He would be gone for days on a drunk, not working, and making life crazy for the whole family. I chose to divorce him for financial reasons, very much still in love with him. Shortly after that he was in a terrible wreck, that could have cost me my house. That was so hard. My sponser would say what is the best thing for Carol? The answer was always to get away for the unexceptable behavior. He still brings that up, I thought you married me in sickness and in health. I did but I don't have to live with abuse even if it was verbal and unexceptable behavior. I still have a relationship with him and we did try and live back together, which did not work. We were doing the same thing expecting different results. This time, I guess I hit my bottom. I told him he could not come back home right now that we both needed to work on ourselves. Usually he would say all the things I wanted him to say and we would be going again till the cycle started all over. I don't know what is different this time, except maybe I hit my bottom. I kept praying for guidance and I have no desire for him to return today. I still love him, but I want life to be different, and I know if I wanted it different than I needed to make that different as he was not. It is peaceful at my house and on days I am lonely I surround myself with my Alanon friends. I never have to be alone today. I go to more meeting and continue to ask God for guideance and thank him for the peace I am feeling. He called and then came over asking if there was still a chance for us. My answer was I don't know what God has in store for us, but if you are asking me if we do today the answer is no. I have to find me again and my own happiness.
I am sooo glad you posted, and I hope you enjoy your birthday.
Complaint – lawyer typed it up and made me sign it. Mental cruelty with section 2 habitual drunkenness
A form with my height weight etc description of me
An Insurance form – our health insurance auto insurance etc.
The spreadsheet – a list of all the money coming in and going out
These forms all took time and effort but the lawyer helped me through them. He asked for a $3500 retainer. He bills at $350 an hour and the top dog of the law firm (who is in charge of my case) bills at $425. He is one of the best in NJ.
He says that the courts look VERY UNKINDLY at a man who does not work.
They look at what the spouse used to make and may award YOU alimony out of the marital assets, NOT HIM. (I refused this offer)
MY A told me if I divorced him I would pay him alimony NOT. He is EXPECTED by the courts to work.
My situation, of course is quite different than yours and this is just what I have found to be in my case
My lawyer filed the case quickly as I need protection from my out of control husband, who knows what he will do next? No one not even him
The sherrif will serve the papers.
If he does not respond in 35 days I am divorced.
Not advice
Just what I have found….
Take care of yourself and your children
In support
megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
My attorney mentioned getting back child support from the marital assests. I actually forgot about that.
My husband has again shown up and given me money for the next 2 months of bills. That helps with my financial stress
He is scheduled to go to rehab tomorrow and is full of promises that this madness will end.
I don't really believe it. I am so sick of this. I'm going to contact my attorney and see if there can be a legal document stating if he drinks again he loses his rights to our properties. He said he would be agreeable to signing this document. I hope my lawyer doesn't think I'm crazy because the other day I was desperate to go to court to have him declared imcompetent.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I don't see it getting any easier, married or divorced.
