The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The other day I was going to the grocery store, and my 15 year old son said "I'm coming with you, I'm bored". This struck me for several reasons. One, how many 15 year old boys WANT to go shopping with their moms? He really should have gotten a job this summer, if he's THAT bored! The second is more what I want to talk about. It was the absolute confidence in his voice, the assurance that I would be happy to have his company. By the time I was his age, I didn't feel that way about anyone in the world. There wasn't one person whom I could just be assured of my welcome with. I would have said something like "Would you mind if I came along?" or dressed it all up in 'good girl' clothes - "Can I help?" The last time I can remember feeling sure that I was welcome, that people whom I loved also loved me, so sure that it didn't even cross my mind, was when I was a little little girl, probably no older than five or so.
Why I am this way is rooted in a combination of my mother's (and my dad's) personality, and several things that just happened to coincide when I was growing up (starting school, baby sister being born, favorite older sister moving away, a couple of other things). I think though, that it has a lot to do with why I married an A. So many of the things in his behaviour, even all those years ago, that would have served as red flags to a 'normal' person, I just ignored. I don't think I really believed that I deserved to be loved in an accepting, non judgemental way. I had been believing that love was something you earned, ever since I was a little girl, so of course I married a man who made me work for any love he gave me.
The other thing that struck me about this was that even with all the craziness of his younger years especially, my son has reached this age still feeling this way. He knows, knows so well that he doesn't even think about it, that I like him and would like to spend time with him. All the while that his father and I were doing so many things wrong, we must also have been doing some things right.
Your story made me smile. I am glad he feels that way about you, it's a testament to you that you surely did do some things right. It gives me great hope for my children when all I can see right now is all the things that we are doing wrong. Thanks
Ahhhh....Lin...what a wonderful moment. When I have one of those...my kids are 27, 28 and 29, then it was so worthwhile. I was so young, and it was so rough, and having an A for a father did leave scars, but they are so special anyway. So...yeah, we can do something right.
I think I work so hard to earn that love too. I never learned to take...but to barter to get that love, I feel. Yet, so many times, I give my unconditional love to those who did nothing FOR me. It doesn't matter...I just love. Maybe someday I'll realize I don't have to be an overachiever, or give til it hurts, to be loved. That's a new goal...there's probably a whole bunch of folks out there who love me, warts and all, if I could just see it.
Our kids are part of both dad and mom :) It appears that your son feels safe with you and has a strong sense of self too. Give yourself a pat on the back when these things occur. The teenage years can be challenging for a parent and we need to remember these bonding moments when things get rough. Another thing I have experienced is our children act out and get angry at the parent who they know will not stop loving them. Just something I learned and experienced. Thanks for this post. ((((((((lin))))) cdb :)
