please help - Al-Anon Family Group

Kim · Senior Member

please help

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Kim,

Welcome! I am glad you posted on the board. We also have a live chat room room http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html to come to when you feel you are in dire straits. Step One - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. You are not alone. What you are experiencing and doing is a "normal" reaction to this disease. Get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can. Begin working the steps. Find a sponsor to help you along the way. This program really works. ((((((((((((((((((((Kim))))))))))))))<-----hugs. Welcome and keep coming. It will get better if you decide to work on yourself. Maria123

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"Why would I want to stay with someone like this?"

I can't answer your question, only tell you about my own experiences... I was married to an addict that was manic, I stayed married for 4+ years - 3 years too long! But I had to get to the point I was sick & tired of it - my bottom with him. While on vacation, I realized it was him or me ('cause he literally was trying to kill me spiritually & encouraging me to commit suicide) - that was the lightening rod I needed & I left right then & there. I had to give up everything I ever owned in 30 years (heirloom jewelry, baby pictures 3 wardrobes), a career & friends of 16 years. It was worth than any death.

Only you can determine what you are willing to put up with. I know that I am worth more than what I went through with my ex. I no longer let anyone blame me for anything. When people are manipulative or controlling, I confront them & if that doesn't change their behaviour, I don't talk to them anymore.

People treat you the way in which you allow yourself to be treated - start setting boundaries. Like megan said on my post yesterday - 'giving up care giving' is hard but I am trying to be the care giver of myself. If I don't love myself (first) no one else will love me the way I want (otherwise, how would I know?).

I struggle with keeping the focus on me & as a martyr, I try not to accept how wonderful of a person I truly I am. We are all magical, loving, unique divine creatures that deserve to be loved back & the very best life has to offer. (I am not a toilet for human waste! God help me not to be so very angry today).

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

It was worth than any death. not what i meant!

It was WORSE than any death (sorry).

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Kim,

When I had a situation where I went into a rage in front of my daughter breaking dishes etc., I realized I had become crazier than her and her alcoholism/drug addiction. It is good you can identify that your behavior was not acceptable. Now, you can move on and get better. Maria and kitty had some good suggestions. In alanon, we only talk about our own experiences and do not give advice. All I can say is do not be hard on yoruself. Be kind to you. If curling up and withdrawing helped you to be safe, well then that is what you needed. WE do the best we can with what we have at the time. Alanon has taught me to live a healthier happier life. Keep posting, coming here and do get to a face to face alanon meeting as soon as possible. Things can and do get better for us. your friend in recovery, cdb PS and if you are in the chatroom, please remind me of your situation,,,my memory is not that great and I do really care!

kathy570 · Senior Member

Sun July 31

Dear Kim,

Only you can answer your question about staying. You did no say if you are new to AlAnon but Welcome to the board. Get to a meeting.... Work the steps...

Life is full of many obsticals and we must decide what is best for each of us. You need to concentrate on YOU - Not him. No one can make us feel or do anything. The same as we cannot control others. I have been where you are many times when not in this program, and I just kept spinning the wheels in my head. Since coming here only a short time ago, I know it is the didease of alcholism. I have to learn how to keep the focus on my but NOT self pity. I am a recovering A myself and spent very long time beating myself up because " I should know this crap..." NOT...My Higher Power has showed my peace in this program & taught me that I can not control my A - only me, my feelings.

I am learning to ACT - NOT - REACT .

Keep Coming Back & Keep posting

Yours in Recovery

Kathy570

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Kim, in answer to your question, my first thought was, becuz you know it will hurt
like hell to have him go.

You want the disease to leave, not your husband. Unfortunatley it goes, he goes.

I remember the horrible pain of him being controlled by the disease, hon I was holding my dieing
mom in my arms and he calls me and says, well did you bleed her dry? He tore
my guts out. He meant did I take everything from her now?

This disease get into their brain, like an evil demon. i swear that is what it is.
When we yell or argue, we are doing it with a disease, not a person.

If you can, learn to not say anything.

Anyway keep coming back hon. I do understand. love, debilyn

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

HI,

I am sorry you have to go through so much pain. I lost my temper last year with my A who is also bi-polar. I threw a phone which hit him in the head and cut his head. He called the police and I was arrested. Please get help for you before you have to go through what I am. I did 12 weeks of anger management voluntarily. I entered a guilty plea on a deferred sentence. In my state that means at least 1 year of domestic violence treatment. 6 months of going weekly and 6 months of monthly meetings. I understand now everything happens for a reason, I found Alanon, this board, recognized how co-dependent I am. I am eating healthier now, I am exercising a little bit 5 days a week. I don't have as much anxiety as I use to, I still get anxious but it does not consume me. I love my A, some days are worse/better then others. The thing that has helped the most in the last month has been, "Let Go and Let God" this has been a rough one for me, when I am feeling anxious or my brain gets busy with the "what if" game, I just repeat that line over and over. Hang in there, build a good support system.

Hugs Mary

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.