The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I asked him why he sought the company of other women he told me – after he first tried to blame it on the alcohol – that he wanted the attention. And yet he – allegedly – dropped her without so much as a by-your-leave. So he threw us away for something that he threw away without a backwards glance.
I feel uncomfortable all of the time around him now. Without some kind of separation, I don’t see how I can come to miss him. Right now I dread seeing him walk down the hall. I can feel my neck stiffen and I stop breathing. I have to remind myself to exhale and take another breath. And, you know, he doesn’t really notice that I am different. Not much of a surprise, all things considered.
The real irony is that he is now doing what I begged and reasoned and pleaded for him to do so many times. So why can’t I just be glad that he is on the road to recovery? One big reason is that he spent those years not only drinking but whoremongering and philandering and betraying me. He spent the time allowing me to be his biggest fan while he and his cohorts knew that he was cuckolding me. He allowed me to tell others my take on what it takes to make a successful marriage while he was sweet talking a woman thirty years younger than I am. He made a mockery of everything I loved. He made a mockery of me.
It seems clear that I am not going to ever get to a place where I would feel light enough.and carefree enough with him to be playful or engage in romantic banter. There’s just no room to breathe here. I have to figure out a safe place for me. I have lost my best friend, my safe haven.
Under the present conditions, I am still the big loser. On all counts, he wins and I lose. He has nothing left to lose – he already gave away, sold, lost, or betrayed the things of value we had together.
I think he truly believes that my anger is going to pass and that I am going to “get back to normal” pretty soon now. But there is no “normal” for me with him now.
If there is to be any kind of relationship between us it would have to be built millimeter by millimeter moment by moment in the now. But I cannot get into the “now” with him as long as I feel totally stabbed and betrayed and picked to death by him and his cavalier attitude.
“I am idiot”, he says. “I had everything right in front of me.” I wonder who at the meetings said those words that he is now parroting back to me?
He says that but he has done nothing to change it. And how can he change it? He doesn’t love me any more – he hasn’t for years. This is one time he is going to have to make it on his own.
I am not going to try to make him love me. I am just going to be me. I don’t feel very lovable anyway. I feel nauseous.
He is getting ready to go to a meeting.
It’s so sad. I’m so sad. I feel like everything is so close – he is not drinking, he is doing things around the house that have needed doing for seemingly years -- but if I even think about reaching out, I feel knifelike pains shooting through my shoulders and up my neck that keep me from moving. I cannot reach out.
Dove, I totally understand. I don't know what the answer is. Sometimes I think that, really, there is no reason to stay with someone who lies and cheats. I think of Ann Landers and her famous question: "are you better with him or without him" and for me, I think the answer is without him.
I have been struggling to understand. But, there is also the passage in the bible about God helping those who help themselves. And I wonder if helping myself means making a safer and happier and more secure home for myself.
Life-altering decisions should not be made when we are feeling vulnerable, emotional, and angry. Take time for yourself. Be good and kind to yourself. When you are feeling calmer then you will be able to think.
When I found out about my husband's unfaithfulness, I got some counselling for myself. I found it very helpful to have someone who I cuold just pour out all the grief and rage to, who would occasionally ask a pointed question that would give me a different perspective, and who had no agenda - she was not interested in either having me stay or having me go, just in helping me find out what I wanted.
I understand the feeling of having your whole past made a mockery of, as if everything you thought you had, and thought you believed, was ground in the dirt. What happened with us, once I calmed down enough to hear what he had to say (which was not right away, by the way) was that I found that his actions really had very little to do with me. In his case, it was much more just another hiding place, another way to avoid facing real life, avoid having real emotions. The same impulse that drove all his addictions. I am coming to believe that though I didn't have the marriage I maybe thought I had, what we did (and do) have is real. His emotions are stunted and damaged, he will never love me the way I might want to be loved, but he does love me the best he can.
I don't know if you will eventually come to some peace with your husband or not, but I do know that you have the right to take as long as you need to get over this. He of course wants you to rush to forgive him, but you don't have to worry about him just now. You can do things to repair your damaged self esteem, get some joy in life again. Whether his efforts at recovery last, and whether they eventually get you to trust him again, is something only time will tell.
There is no easy solution for any of us in this situation. Breath & breath abaing. The changes we get or are coming to us do not come over night. It is sooooo very hard.
REad your Al Anon lit., keep posting & keep reading & listening. Your HP will show you the way but in His time not ours.....
Know that you are in all of our Prayers (((((((((((Dove))))))))))))))))
I understand excatly how you feel. I spent my marriage being my husbands "biggest fan" while he spent it making a mochery of me also. He took every dream that i had for our family and for myself and he stomped on them. He made me feel that I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything. The kids and I represented responsibility and "she" represented fun. He finally found someone he could drink with and didn't have to face the responsibilties of his life as long as he was with her. Well, she is his wife now and although the hurt is still there, I am happy that she is the one that has to live the kind of life he provides both financially and emotionally. Now the fun one who made him forget his responsibilities now presents him with all new responsibilities. So, sometimes when people make thier bed then they have to lie in it.
It is very hard to realize that someone you love so much has betrayed you in such a horrible way and if there is anything any of us can do...just let us know. You are in my prayers.
oh dove, It hurt my heart to read this post. Thank you so much for sharing.
I do have that boundary big time. If my A cheated, I would get a divorce immediatly He made himself look bad lady, not you. Please don't take any of his bs personal. I kno it is hard not to.
I was just thinking, maybe i spoke too soon. To be honest I am not sure what i would do it my a cheated.
Cheating has nothing to do with alcoholism. Neither does abuse. They are not symptoms of alcoholism.
People cheat becuz they think it is ok. They cheat becuz they do not have the morals not to.
It is totally up to you. I sure feel your pain. Can you afford to live on your own? YOu may want to consider a separation. Time to rest and heal. Can you afford to stay there adn him leave? He could get a small apt or something?
I can tell you are not ready to completely cut things apart, but you are not ready to try to make it work again.
From my experience, separation helps you to heal some and when you are ready the answers will come to you.
We here care very much. Please, please take care of you, keep posting.
I always thought I would leave immediately, too. But now that I am in this situation, I find that I am as conflicted as I am angry and hurt. After 26 years, nothing is simple. I do know that I don't want to throw everything away.
He keeps making all the right moves now -- since the big revelations -- but I am so beaten down (figuratively, not literally) by all of this, I cannot string together two cohesive thoughts.
We went to see a therapist today for "marriage counselling". I am hoping that with a little non-biased input I'll be able to gain some perspective, calm down a bit, and figure out what my terms are.
He has only been not drinking since 15 July 2005. So I am still waiting to see if someone worth caring about and for emerges from the ashes.
