The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
4 days ago I left my husband of nearly 19 years. You see, my husband abuses alcohol. This is not a new thing, however it is that I have taken a stand. My husband and I married very young, he was just 18 and I was 19. We had a child within 1 year. Our marriage has not been easy we have had trials all along the way. Last year my husband found his mother (57) dead of what everyone thinks was a heart attack. She was an alcoholic her entire adult life. This caused a major spirial downward for my husband. His drinking became more frequent and his only responses were at least I am not going to a bar, its only beer, every man drinks beer. He has blamed me, saying that if i didnt nag so much he wouldnt drink so much. For a long time I believed him. Not anymore, i know that it isnt my fault. He drinks and he has to take the responsibility for his actions. I know that i did the right thing by leaving him but why does it have to hurt so bad ? Last night we talked on the phone for over 1 hour both of us crying wondering how we got here. My head says it is over but my heart wont let go. I cried myself to sleep last night only to wake up with swollen tear ducks. I am not sure of anything . Maybe I am making a mistake. Maybe I should go home. Maybe it will get better .
I understand completely what you are going through. I understand how hard it is to give up on the relationship.
But, as they say in alanon, nothing changes if nothing changes. So if you go back things will stay the same, but if that's ok with you... Only you know what's right for you. It's a sad fact but the disease continues to progress and things will keep getting worse without treatment.
I am a living testimony to that fact. In just 3 short months my husband has gone from a funtioning human being, good and caring father to a non working person drinking and drugging 24 hrs a day for many days at a time. He has short periods of clarity where he expresses the desire to stop but then I won't hear from him for days. He has abandoned us completely.
I am not saying that this is what will happen to you. Is your husband willing to get help?
I have been reading the message board and I know that i am not alone. It is scary how many are in the same place. You ask if my husband is willing to get help ? That isnt an easy answer. It depends on the day. Some days he admits he has a problem however, says that he WILL NOT go to AA. Some days he says he will go to counseling together. Some days he says he doent have a problem i do..
He is a good person with a terrible problem. For all these years i thought i could love him enough to make him forget his terrible childhood. I thought if i was a good wife and mother to his children he wouldnt want to drink. Boy was i wrong.
How do you get your heart and head on the same page ? I have a great job, great kids why do i feel so helpless ? I am so sad, i just want to go to sleep and wake up when the pain goes away.
How do you make the pain go away ? You are right, emotionally he wasnt there and hasnt been for a long time.
March i became very ill and needed a blood tranfusion. While I was scared and alone in the hospital he was HOME so drunk he didnt even know where our kids were. Sure, he apologized but it hurt very badly.
you see, my head knows all of this but my heart keeps making excuses..
How do i stop loving him ? How do i move on when my entire adult life has been with him ?
Financially, i can live without him. Emotionally, i am not so sure ..
Ya know the old saying when trying to lose weight or discipline yourself in other areas of your life-- "No Pain, No Gain". Well, we don't grow and learn without pain and mistakes. If everything was always smooth sailing, then how could we ever gain wisdom, compassion and understanding and most importantly develop our relationship with God. There is only ONE that offers internal peace and without acceptance and trust in that, our lives as we know them will continue to be a roller coaster of emotional setbacks. NOTHING or NOBODY should come before God in your life. Once you achieve this you will gain permanent strength and always have a foundation of faith to pull you through anything.
I have recently become divorced from my wife of 10 years, and I have, and still do, experience many of the emotions you are going through. Most of mine came from two things. The first was fear. Fear of what the future would be like without my spouse. How would I be able to keep my house, pay all the bills...take care of all those details of our daily lives that she performed that i have never been responsible for. Fear of living alone for the first time as a "real" adult.
The second thing was loss. The all consuming sense of having lost everything that I have ever thought was real, the loss of "my whole life" with the departure of my wife and my two step-sons. What else was there to live for but for them. Which is pretty much how I had lived my life for the last 12 years, for them. Tending to their needs, putting my own so far on the back burner that they would at times slip off and fall behind the stove never to be seen again by the light of day!
I know the pain. It can be unbearable.
"How do you get your heart and your head in the same place?" you asked.
You are already on the way, my friend. Coming to Al-anon is a great place to start. Here is the place for you. Al-anon can give you the tools and the skills to use them to start rebuilding yourself. To make you a more complete person who is not dependent on another human being for happiness. A whole person better able to function in life, to be part of a healthy relationship, or to just be better.
I have been in Al-Anon for 16 months now. It has truly saved my life and taught me so much about my self. About the truth of what my relationships have been in the past and my part in the way they were.
I am slowly getting over the pain and the fear. Through the help of the Al-Anon family that I have become a grateful member of and a loving higher power whom I have developed a whole new relationship with, I am experiencing so much growth and feeling so much love, unconditional love, freely given and received.
Stick around Tammy, keep coming back here, find local meetings if you havent already.
I am sad you are in so much pain. It does hurt horribly. For me it took about a year before I felt I was sorta me again.
My husband has been here and gone several times. In that time I made myself totally independant of him, except for loving him. All I do is love him. I feel a need to be close to him when he can handle it.
Knowing and really believing he has a disease, made me look at him totally different. I don't baby him a bit, but I do feel very sad he has to be so ill. I don't blame him for anything. He did not choose this.
To me it is no different than if it were brain cancer. I would not leave him for having that and I won't leave him becuz of this. I don't feel he has anything to feel guilty about. What I like to see is, he makes mistakes and is no longer afraid to apologise
He is an alcoholic. I expect him to use. I expect him to be sober for however long a time, I expect him to go to rehab once in awhile. I hope he has many, many sober in program mode days. But the reality, with his brain damage, this is as good as it gets.
I do not live with mine. I will probably some day becuz his mom will die and he will have no where to go. Already have a plan to build him a studio type cabin on my property.
Want him in here with me, but the reality is I would murder him... lol not really.
The reality is when the disease is being a butt, he needs to go "home."
Am not sorry I had the disease leave, I am sorry the disease took him away.
I mourn him a lot. But then I have a lot more peace in my life this way. He is in the last stage and has been for awhile. Right now he is doing ok. But he has Hep C and stomach problems, headaches, etc.
I find each having our own homes makes it easier to stay married. I got a legal sep. so my house and stuff are safe, and i am not responsible for any of his bills. I believe, if I work hard on my program and my own life, I can still find some happy, precious time with my A. We have been together in one way or another almost all our lives, over 30 years.
For me, I had to face I don't want to live my life with out him in it. Even though his love and caring are not something I can relate to. I thought he did not care/love me.But from people on heres comments and seeing him again, I see he does care about me and shows it in his way.
Maybe knowing that you and your husband are not over will help you to get well and strong. Relationships come in all different forms. We don't have to live together. Í know we wish we could. But with him comes the disease.
I cannot live with the disease.
Anyway keep coming back, vent and stay in touch. love,debilyn
Last night I came home. My husband and i had one of our best conversations in many many years. We cried and he agreed to get help. We are going to go to counseling THIS week no excuses.. Our marrige hasnt been good for years. I have really pulled back emotionally. He understands that things have to change and change now. I think me leaving him for 5 days scared him. It scared me too.
I hope i didnt make the wrong decision coming home.
My Mom thinks i am crazy and cant understand why i keep going back for more. Heck, I cant understand either. I just trust GOD... I have made a big step this time i have found this website and am going to my first AL-Anon meeting tonight. I am nervous but know that i have to go for me.
I really hope I am doing the right thing for my children and for myself. The kids understand that Daddy has a problem with drinking.
Don't worry about other people not understanding your decision to reconcile with your husband.
In my first marriage, people said they did not understand either why I did not leave sooner. I stayed until ALL hope was totally lost, I had tried everything and done everything and nothing had worked.
In that way I was able to leave with a 100% clean conscience with no second thoughts and no looking back. I am glad I did things that way, since in the years since I don't have to look back and think "if only I had done this...", or "maybe if I would have tried harder things could have worked out". The peace of mind that doing things this way have given me is irreplaceable.
There is nothing wrong with YOU deciding that you want to try to work things out with your husband. Marriage is supposed to be forever and the effects of divorce are devastating on all parties involved...so there is nothing wrong with wanting to make every effort possible to avoid it if you can.
Today I went to my first meeting. I sat in the car not sure if I could do it by myself. But I did. I went into the meeting and listened and shared.
I heard one individual that told the story of his childhood living with alcoholic parents. How he could do nothing right.. Then it hit me.... That will be my son in 10 years if things dont change.
I am scared. Scared of what my husbands drinking has done to our children. Scared of what it will do. Scared of what it will do to me.
I am not sure of what tomorrow will bring. My husband says he will go to a counselor and seek help. I hope this time it is more than hollow words..
This I know, I am trying to take control. Not of him or his actions. But of my life and MY Actions.
I use to think i could love him enough to make him stop drinking now i know it is bigger than that. More powerful than anything that i have ever had to deal with before.
I hope that in time I will see things more clearly. I hope that in time I am not so confused. I hope that in time i can get my hear and head to sing the same song.
Thank you to everyone who has offered to share thoughts.. It is so nice to know that i am not alone.
Your first face to face meeting. I am very very proud of you for going.
You will here your story over and over again
It is so good to be able to share your problems with people who are where you are, have been where you were, and some, who have worked the alanon program very very hard are where e want to be.
keep coming back, here and face to face.
Good job.
here is my requirements for any kind of reconciliation with my husband.
I gave him this when I left second saturday in May.
He is still drinking
I have a boundary to not see him if he is drinking.
I filed for divorce 1 week ago.
I need legal protection and I have to be concerned for my own saety and happiness, it is really all we can do, work on ourselves
In support
megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
