The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to hear what boundries others have used or are using. It can help me develop some sort of set of boundries I might want to use.
I am not the type of person who sets boundries for my A says its a way of me controling what he can and can not do. But I am ready now to research boundries and select a few I KNOW I could stick with and choose the battles.
Any help would open my thinking instead of laying confuses and not knowing where to start.
One of my boundaries are to not put up with his verbal abuse anymore...
When he gets drunk and starts in on me I walk away if I can, and if I am in the car I zone out and blow him off until I can physically get away from him. If I am in a store I will leave cart or things right there where I stand and simply walk to car.
This is a big change from when I used to try to reason with him and talk to him and stick up for myself, total waste.
Make sure YOUR boundaries are really YOUR boundaries and not psuedo boundaries for HIM. For instance, a boundary for YOU would be to say that you will not be around him when he is drinking and you will have escape plans ready. BUT, a pseudo boundary for you would be to say that you will not allow him to drink in the house, you will not be around that...trying to control someone else's behavior with a supposed boundary for YOU will never work and everyone sees through it.
Another boundary I have is I NEVER buy alcohol for him, he may buy it himself, with his own money in front of me, but I never go to the store and buy it for him, I don't touch it. I have been so firm about this he does not ask anymore, hence his drinking and driving problem...SIGH...still, that is my boundary I will have no part in his drinking himself to death. Once, he tried to scare me and told me that to "make up for" an argument that we had (when he was drunk) that I had to go to a seedy part of town that I think I am too good to go to (I AM, LOL) and buy him TWO cases of his favorite malt liqour drink. I started laughing, it sounded so lame, he said it so ominously, like he was saying I had to walk the plank...LOL. Even he realized how lame that sounded, so he said "nevermind, you would probably get the wrong kind anyway, you never get anything right"...he had to save face, knowing I would NEVER do it!
Another boundary I have is to not spend any time around his family. They make me sick, literally. They are a sick sick sick bunch of enablers who he has convinced that I am trying to run a "smear campaign" against him since I tried to get them to help with an intervention. They treat me like a leper, giving me sneaky dirty looks, looking down their nose, greeting him warmly and getting a kick out of ignoring me. They elected teh senior member of the family to call husband to "ask" him if he was an alcoholic. He said "no" that I was just trying to frame him...??????? It is not like I told his job...I just told his DAD...then his big mouth Dad told the whole family...yet...I was trying to FRAME him since I went to his DAD for help to help him with his alcoholism? I want no part of that crazy clan. They have a lot of Native American in them and have a LOT of drinking problems. They are in so much denial that family members have died from alcoholism and husband does not know. In a rare moment of honesty, his Dad told me. Husband thinks these uncles died from a "nerve disease"...???? He hates his family and was using me as s shield to visit them, sort of like a "buffer". Since I have established that boundary he has stopped going to family functions himself, he can't bear it without me there.
Everyone must establish their own boundaries, what THEY can live with. Many people have boundaries that don't bother me at all. I sleep with my husband when he is drunk if the mood strikes me, and I drive him around if he asks me too, that is as long as he is not being a jerk at the time. As long as he is being nice and not a colossal jerk, I just go on with normal life when he is drunk. With the exception of being in the car with him driving if he is drunk. He may drive himself when he is drunk, but I am not riding with him. That is an obvious common sense boundary.
Boundaries.... The main one I have right now is no drugs in my home period. You use you are outta here.
Boundaries vary according to what level in recovery or addiction the addict is in. The boundaries that I had when he was active over two years ago I don't use now.
The only thing that I can say about boundaries is there must be a consequence for any infraction of whatever boundary you decide to use. Just stating that such and such is going to happen is not enough. You have to follow through with a consequence.
For example if you set the boundary no drunkeness in my home. Fine then you must stick to it. If the "A" comes home drunk then he can't get into the house. There can't be any if's ands or buts. You have to stick to your guns and fulfill your part. If you don't have the consequence then what is the point of a boundary?
Another example of how important the consequence is ....
I know someone who's son was an addict. She said that she would throw him out if he started to use again. Well he did use, but she didn't throw him out and he is still using to this day. Mainly because she couldn't enforce her consequence.
There are some boundaries that I don't even think I need to mention but anyway things like physical violence. Which many states cover under criminal law.
For verbal assualts you could say you will not tolerate this assult and leave the room or end the conversation.
So for each boundary there needs to be a consequence, and that consequence has to be realistic and enforceable. Meaning you are going to do what you say, and that you are not just full of hot air.
You need to be clear concise and follow through. Remember we are dealing with addicts/alcoholics their thinking patterns leave a lot to be desired. lol
I suppose a boundary that I have is to live a healthier life and if that means walking away from someone who is emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive-- that is what I MUST do despite the pain involved. I KNOW that God doesn't want ANYONE to be in relationships that are unequally yoked and as long as I continue to focus on my emotional needs and feelings over what God wants for my life, I continue to live of this world and NOT how God wants me to live. So I guess my boundary is to not tolerate abusive behavior in general AND in attempting to overcome that..... realize that an A or anyone else who is abusive is NOT my responsibility but God's. With this realization I know that in order for an A or any other abuser to face their consequences, they need to face them on their own with NO involvement from me. This is the ONLY way that God can work in their life-- is when I step aside and let what happens to them happen because I trust God completely. Take Care.
About three years ago my A slipped after 25 years sober. I have never lived with alcoholism...never been around it, and I wasn't about to have it now. We are married six years. He has been sober again now for about one year. My boundary is a simple one, and one which I am prepared to keep: If he ever drinks again, I will divorce him so quickly he won't know what happened. I am financially independent, and do not need him. He is here because I love him and want him here. But another drink, and he's gone!! He knows that, and it's all in his hands. I washed my hands of his alcoholism, and I will not entertain a repeat.
Sorry to get carried away. Let me say one more thing: Remember that when you set a boundary, be prepared to keep it under any and all circumstances. Don't back off. If you are viewed as a wuss, you've not only lost the battle, you've lost the war.
With caring in recovery, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi LL...I'm just so glad you shared with us here...and it's brought us to a discussion of boundaries.
As I stated, the only boundary I have is that if my A drinks again, we are finished, after 30 years. Also, by the way, he also said, if he drinks again, HE will leave our home, and I can have it. Which is good, as MY inheritance paid a goodly part of it.
This is the only boundary I have set, and it is currently in use. This is my only power at this time. However, I am ready to set some more boundaries, in light of the crap that's going down in our relationship right now.
He's a real control freak, questioning where I go...thus, I have allowed him to dictate my life. Now, I'm ready...with a lot of thanks to y'all on the board. I will not state this boundary to him, as it is my boundary.
From this day forward, I will leave for work at any time I see fit. When my shop closes, I will go run errands, and get home when I am done, without feeling stressed or hurried. I will once again go to my yoga classes each Tues from 6 til 7:15 pm...maybe that'll be my "Kentucky Fried Chicken" night!!!! Once I have a little more money, I shall ALSO go to acupuncture on Monday nights at 6:00 (balances my chi...and helps my arthritic shoulder).
I will tell myself I am an adult, and can make my own decisions. He is angry all the time anyway, so how much angrier can he get????? At least one of us will be happy.
So...(((((LL))))))))))) in your pain, and in reaching out for help...you have helped me to be a little healthier. Thank you again for sharing with us.
That is excellent to hear your confidence about setting your boundary and being firm with it. I did that as well with my ex boyfriend over about the course of a year and then one day, that was it-- I realized that it's all about respect, whether your an alcoholic or not. There are so many other people in this world with disabilities of all sorts. Does that give them permission to treat anyone like crap? Absolutely NOT. I give you alot of credit for setting that boundary and will keep you in my prayers for continued sobriety of your A. I must say that I set that boundary as well and when I finally left, I felt as if I would die every moment of the day-- like someone was ripping my heart out completely. It's now going on 8 months I believe since I've heard or seen him (which is good). It only proved to me that the decision I made to finally break it off with him was right. He was so consumed in his alcohol, I'd be surprised if he even remembers me at all. Pretty sad and it took me awhile to accept that his emotions were linked to the alcohol and not me, but also know that God gives unanswered prayers for a reason and I am so grateful at times for that because He knows what is best.
I really learned a lot from all the comments. Thank you!!
Boundaries were something I had to put into practice with my late teen kids. Had to learn to let go some and not be so snoopy!! (c:
I was always super protective of them. This world is full of evil crap that I was not putting up with, with my precious kids. Thank you hp neither has been abused. One out of three of us has been sexually assaulted.
Anyway, my boundaries are mine, noone elses. I won't live with abuse, I will have my own income, my own house, my own vehicle. I won't depend on anyone else to give it to me. I don't ask questions that are none of my business. ex: are you drinking? are you using heroin? When are you going to get your license back?
I will ask if I am free to get a divorce as that is my business.I still share some type of intimacy with my A so I need to know if he has cheated. I know the answer as he is just like me that way.
My boundaries are I don't "wait" for him to call or come see me or do anything for me.
I expect nothing from him. I thought he would be there when I had my cancer scare... he was not. I won't make that mistake again.
My boundaries are I am the best person I can be. I will not allow anyone to question that. I never go beyond one day at a time.
I learned to focus the boundaries on me, not the A.For me what he does is his own business, I have no control over any of it. I have to look at me, not him.
For instance lets say I saw him somewhere and he was drunk and said something mean or gross. I would not think well he blew it. I would go into protect me mode and not give him a second thought. I learned if I thought of him at all, the disease had me.
There have been times when he was alcohol sick that I heard him ask me for something but I just kept going and acted like I did not hear him. I have learned to just walk away.
Now I have to say it happens like this almost all the time now. But sometimes it still does hurt. Not often though.
One of the boundaries that I started way before I realized how unmanageable my life had become because of my husbands alcohol/drugs was "I will no longer tolerate any drugs in our home" & I will no longer purchase alcohol for our home" & "I will no longer accept an apology if it is connected to alcohol or drugs" I have set new boundaries now which are hard to follow through, I will not take the cursing, if he is mad about anything, I do not have to take all that he dumps, whether it is the traffic, the heat, his job, he does not have to curse. My newest boundary which I am working hard at is not to get pulled into the "poor me" arguments. My A seems to think that when things are tough he is going to argue with me about things from a year ago. When I got arrested for throwing the phone at him, is his newest issue. How no one has the right to "attack" someone physically. I have now promised myself that if and when it comes up again I will go to my girlfriends. I will not argue or apologize one more time to him about losing my temper. So as I get better and stronger I set new boundaries.
