The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not seen my alcoholic ex husband in over two years (except for once in court) and yet I am still terrified of him. My step daughters birthday was today and she now lives in another state with him. I bought her a card and let her little brother sign his name to it. As I signed mine, I began getting sick to my stomach. Walking to the mail box I began trembling uncontrollably. By the time I put the card in the box and put the flag up.....I was a wreck. Why does any contact with this man terrify me so much. He can no longer hurt me, drunk or sober but yet I still give him the power to control me through fear the same way I did when he was here. I came back inside and cried tears of anger. I was angry at myself for feeling this way. I hate this disease! I hate what it has done to him, to my children, and my marriage. I hate what it has done to my life. I hate that for the first time, I won't be with my daughter on her birthday. I can't even call her because he would never allow me to speak to her. "She's not your child" he would say. But I raised her like she was mine all those years and I love her the same way that I love my son. I have lost SO many people in my life due to alcohol and I hate it!!!! Sorry, just needed to vent.
I am sorry that you still have so much fear. I have been divorced from my A for 15 yrs. For about 12 of those yrs I had the same "symptoms" you have. I moved far away form him, but sometimes certain smells,even gestures from total strangers would send me into gripping fear mode. EVERYtime it happened I had to practice letting go. It does work. It is a constant blend for me of conciously trying to let it go AND just doing it naturally. Now after all these yrs I have no fear for him, only pity. It is strange but thru forgiveness I no longer fear him at all. I think this was more important for me than I ever realized. I only forgave him for my kid's sake, (I told myself), but it turned out to be what saved my sanity! I am sure that your A hurt you, I can tell. I lived a life of hell on earth. For me forgiveness saved me. Try working on that? I don't know, just a thought. You hang in there...
I am so sorry that u are hurting. I will keep you in my prayers. It took me a long time to stop being afraid of my shadow after I left my abusive boyfriend over 15 years ago. Even though my husband has never hit me I still sometimes flinch when his hand comes too close to my face. Being abused by someone takes its toll on us mentally and what you feel seems quite natural to me. I still have flashbacks and just take deep breathes and try to remove myself from the situation and think of something peaceful. I hope you are ok and big hugs to you.
