First time asking for help - Al-Anon Family Group

LLPluv · Veteran Member

First time asking for help

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

I too live with an A who also uses cocaine. Last year after one of his binges, I was so mad I through the phone at him. He called the police and had me arrested. I have found out so much about myself in the last year. I am so very co-dependent. I am getting better but my lifewith my A seems to be falling apart.

I started posting here a couple of weeks ago and the support for taking care of me has been wonderful. Right now realize that you can't make him stop drinking and using. Start doing a lot of reading about taking care of yourself. Letting go and Letting God/HP (Higher Power). I have had a hard time turning my A over to my HP. I thought there would be an immediate miricle. Things have gotten worse, but I am sticking with it, seems God has other plans then I have. By the end of this weekend I suspect that my A will move out. The more I have let go the more he is drinking and using. I have tried to talk, write letters, plead, beg, and everything else for my husband to stop drinking and using. The only thing that has come out of that is that I feel used and verbably/emotionaly abused. I think my HP will take my A on a long hard trip to the bottom, I hope that he will then find help, I am slowly accepting that we may not be together when that happens but I know my HP has my best interests at heart.

I too have openly talked to my boys about their step father's illness. The are behind me 110%. They sometimes use my own words to comfort me.

Hang in there, read previous postings, pray, and take care of yourself. I know how it is to live a crazy unpredictable life. Waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. Hang in there, keep coming back.

Hugs Mary

LLPluv · Veteran Member

I am glad I am not the only one who who got so mad. I feel its the pain gets so intense its really not being mad but the feeling of being so helpless.

Lastnight when we got in my face in front of my family I was so embarrassed. I am almost teared out on this issue. How do you deal with always being told you are the cause of his drinking. Or that the only problem that is occuring is me his wife.

I am so scared my children will continue the cycle. My children are tore up right now. My youngest is so mad and is acting out, my daughter is locking herself in her world of books, music and the internet.

I already made the choice lastnight that we will find a new church which is right down the street my step mother in law attends that church. I am wanting to just go on and get out of this depression and all this resentment I feel towards him. But I am having a hard time being in the same room with him. He stand there and stares at me and shakes his head. My hubby looks like stone cold steve austin the looks can kill.

Mine husband wont leave he never will, willing that is. Its like the expects us to just deny anything is wrong. I could only hope he would just leave. Even though it would shatter my heart I feel it would be the best for us all.

Thank you for posting. This is my day to get advice my father took him out fishing with my youngest son. Yes my father told him he will not be drinking on the fishing trip. My son was so THRILLED when he heard that.

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

I thought losing my brother in 1990 was hard. Then my father in 1994, but this has to be the biggest challenge in my life by far.

Part of their disease is to blame. Don't listen to the blame game. It is not your fault. Keep teling yourself what a good person, mom, sister, daughter, wife, friend, that you are. Believe in yourself.

Hugs Mary

Belongtome · Senior Member

Hi LL, and welcome. Thank you for sharing with us here on the board.

I gain so much insight from reading other's posts. It just helps me feel not so alone in my plight.

I've learned that his alcoholism is a lifetime disease. But, it will be his choice whether or not to use. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. All you can do is work on you, and decide your boundaries. Set those, and stick to them.

Have you checked out the local al-anon meetings in your area. You can learn so much, and studying the literature and getting a sponsor will keep you focused on your life, and make you realize you cannot control your A's action.

Keep in touch here on the board. We do care, and sometimes just having the ear of somebody who understands can help us make it through the day.

Good luck...G

LLPluv · Veteran Member

I need to know what you mean about boundries? I set one up at one time and he gained control on that one.

If he was drunk after midnight I was locking the doors. I felt my children didn't need to be disturbed with the dogs barking and him roaming around he house drunk at that time of night. Plus for safety reasons I don't care to leave the house open up he had a key but we have chains and so on. He didn't like that one and would bang on the doors or call the police.

So thats why I need to know what do you mean boundries?

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I really feel for you & thanks for reaching out.

The fact that he is blaming you for his using, shows that he caught up in the disease of addiction. The A does this to keep your guilt there, to justify their sick mind's to continue to waste their lives. Denial is what keeps the A doing 'their thing'.

I was married to an addict & after being psychologically abused for over 4 years ( he had me thinking I was insane & I was suicidal for the last 2 yrs of my marriage, daily), I literally had to run away from him. I left everything I ever owned, just to get my life back.

Now, as of 11 days ago, I learned that in my step-dad's alcoholism, he has been cheatting for 13/14 years. He gambles too.

I know in the program, they tell you not to believe anything the A says, 'cause they always lie ~ they're lying to themselves. In a relationship with an A they set you up to be thinking about them, worrying about them. You have to live your own life, think about yourself and refocus back on you. Since I learned about my step-dad, I realized I was putting his opinion over mine and I know I am not going to do it anymore. It is shocking to myself that once again, I am living for other people. Only I can know what is best for me. You can't control other people, they are going to do wtvr they want.

The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference.

The Al-Anon literature really helps & so do the meetings. Take care of yourself & God Bless you.

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

Start searching the Alanon litature and the net for setting boundries. The thing about boundries is that they are hard to stick to for me. I am getting better at it, but I have learned not to make a threat...."I'm going to leave" if I don't mean it. I use to say it all the time, now I am steadfast saying what I mean and meaning what I say.

Hugs Mary

Belongtome · Senior Member

There is a book called "Boundaries" by the way...you can find it on Amazon.

Yes, your decision to now allow him entry was a boundary, set by you, for him. When I made a decision to return to my A, I told him I would stay until he drank again. If he does, then he has overstepped my boundary, and will have to leave. This has been hard, because though he hasn't drank for 15 months, he is horrible.

By setting any boundaries, you are showing him, and yourself that you expect respect in that area. When you set the boundary, be prepared to "put your money where your mouth is"...in other words, if you say, "No entry after midnight, etc." enforce that. I know, I know, it's hard, and there are so many factors involved. But, we can grow stronger in this program, and take care of ourselves.

Hope that answered your question a little. There are others here on the board who are so much better at helping than I.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex, wouldn't "allow" me to go anywhere, at all. I can't believe I put up with his insanity but him taking your keys from you is totally a control issue.

Whatever it is that you decide to do (boundaires) state it to your A & stick to it. Follow through. It is tough love ~ otherwise you're just enabling him.

Belongtome · Senior Member

Kitty...just this past weekend my husband told me "it was not okay with him" for me to go comfort my sister when her husband died (about 15 minutes away from me). He then changed his mind.

I just hate myself for allowing myself to fall into that trap. pray for me that I can set my own boundaries this weekend...and enforce them.

I hate weekends...I'd rather work.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

The A's actually think they can control every little thing don't they? When they themselves are spinning out of control. They probably don't even know that they are hearing the truth when it's being spoken. I really do feel pity for them. But for them & in recovery, it is pretty straight forward. I think it is harder for us, since we abandon ourselves for them ~ today, I am not quite so angry at my A. But it is going to be a life long recovery, each day I have to remind myself, this is my life and I am going to put myself first.

God knows, the A's do ~ all they think of is themselves.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Laurie, you sd, 'today is your day for getting help' does that mean he won't let you use the computer or something? I don't understand.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Also, there is a chat room & they have meetings on line at 9am & 9pm EST - the hours are posted.

LLPluv · Veteran Member

---Kitty---

My A went fishing with my father today. If I was on here posting it would just give him another thing to lear at me about. Or make remarks that I am crazy and finding anything wrong with him so that I don't have to take responsibilty for my own insanity.

My A confuses me he wants me to be happy, wants me to do things for myself and to increase my self esteem. That is also when he is solber. When hes drinking, he is a evening drinker on occasion an afternoon drinker he is mean. He doesn't always get mean its when he passes to 12 drink limit then all hall breaks loose.

He will apologize to my family tonight but say it in such a way that he is apologizing for me getting him mad. All I wanted was my keys asked calmly and he freaked. I have my keys now and I have hid them but does that say I will get them back.

My heart is breaking!!!! This man is so close to perfect when he is solber. 14 years of marriage I am only 35 years old. Two nights ago he yelled at me in the front yard at midnight telling me no one would put up with my crap.

I have been reading all the posts and I see now that other people have been through what I am going through. We have no private life hes usually had to much to drink, or on cocaine. For years I thought he wasn't an A until I started seeing him spending time drinking but couldn't find time for me. Now hes spending money on beer when we need that money right now.

If I ask him to leave he tells me if I am so unhappy then I should leave. I can't without my kids. I have been an at home mom all these years my children have only me for security.

I know I am babbling but I am just trying to get things into perspective. Things are just so jumbled right now. I can't even hide in a good book because I can't concentrate.

Everything everyone is saying is helping me more than you will ever know.

The chat times are they on eastern time? How long do they last? I have plans with the kids. They have been through so much with the move and what their father is doing right now I wanted to make them happy for a moment or two.

megan · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome.

I started alanon 1 year ago and coulld not be happier.

My husband of 14 years used to take my car keys too.

So I made many many copies of it and hid them around the house and yard.

Then he would disable the car and I would have to call AAA.

craziness....

I too was monitored and controlled. I would post from the library and at home when he was passed out.

Do NOT let him know you are seeking help on the internet he will shut if off. mine did, pulled the plug out over and over and over

craziness.....

My inheritance too went into a bank account controlled by HIM.

I wish I had listened to my brother and start up a bank account with it with just my name on it but I did not

craziness.........

I have had one year of alanon that has saved my life and my sanity.

This room and the help that is available here is precious and vital to me.

As I was able to get to face to face and look in the eyes of my friends as they listened and I listened and I grew stronger that helped too

Welcome to recovery

I am alot less crazy than I used to be

megan

the meetings last 1 1/2 hours come for what time you can.

The chat room is open 24/7 to talk

My email is meganoreilly@hotmail.com if you want to write directly to me.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

You aren't "babbling" ~ your feelings are valid and you are entitled to have them. This is what Al-Anon is, it's for recovery and support. Also, it helps you to work things out for yourself, no one advises anyone 'cause all of us can truly only know what is the best for ourselves. Put the focus back on you.

If my ex husband ever threatened me with physical abuse not only would I have fought back but I would have left immediately for the police. He knew never to go there ~ but being so psychologically and spiritually abused the way I was you would think it would have been easy to walk away, but it was the most difficult & painful thing I ever had to do. He encouraged me to kill myself on many occassions, telling me how & where to do it!

The fact that he is getting violent is scary ~ addiction is a progressive disease. You might have a time where it doesn't seem so bad, but then the shit hits the fan worse than before.

LLPluv · Veteran Member

This thing about keys to my truck is not to keep me from it, its because I want my keys for he takes the truck whenever he wants too. While hes drinking, here they take your car and auction it off when you are caught with a DUI. I love my Explorer. I can always take his truck but its one of them manly man trucks that is a pain is the A** to drive. I think he uses not giving me my keys because its what I want the power to control my own truck. To me its insane.

I was married once before for 10 months when I was 19 the man put me in the hospital many times with broken bones and I left him. Never to return and never a regret since. But the pain I feel with whats going on is 100% worse then any broken bone I have ever had.

6 months ago when I hadn't come to the conclusion he was addicted I was in denial then I started telling myself I wasn't crazy and my feeling were valid. I would want to talk about spending time together like we used to or that he said something that hurt my feelings he would twist and turn everything around to make it seem I needed prozac. I started standing up for myself instead of turning to mashed potatos and start crying feeling like I was nothing or selfish. He would seem so logical that the way he thought was the right way. But I wanted to be heard and at least get an ounce of validation which I never recieved.

Now I see it all coming together. I acually started helping myself before I figured out that he had a drinking problem. I always knew he drank to much and on occasion he would go over the limit and get mean. He even won't drink Liquar for he knows hes really an instant jerk when he does that and hes never touched it in 10 years. Now if only he would see beer does it too him now.

Is there a form of relief after the storm? I am so worried my kids and myself will be going on without the man we adore.

LLPluv · Veteran Member

All good advice.

My sister just asked me what I was going to do with the second half of my inheritance. Her advice was the same as yours. I will take the advice and create my own fund of security for no one knows what the future will bring with an A.

It will be a battle with him because he will say I am being a B*tch and that I am causing all the problems. Yes it does look like I am causing problems but I know what can happen even if his family and friends are in denial of what is happening to him.

I thought about putting the boundry down that he is not to be drinking in or around the house. But then he will use the loop hole to go out and drink then he will come home and cause the problems. Then the kids will be upset because daddy isn't home again. Lastnight took the cake when he told my son he would be home at 4 pm. At 9 pm my son was standing in the front yard with his hands on his hips crying looking at each car that drove by. That when he got home he was VERY drunk, empty beer cans on the floor of my truck. When my kids hurt I get MAD. I have to try and get a grip on the resentments I am feeling.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I just read it off of someone else's post: When you are being loved, it FEELS like you are being loved.

They have support for kids through Alateen. And now with your mind shifting in recovery, they will experience the change through you as well. Like you sd, sharing with them was a relief.

Talking about things always helps me put my troubles in perspective & to work through them.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome,
Have you checked to see if there are Alanon meetings in your area? It will be the greatest gift you can give yourself :)
I'm so glad you are putting that money in an account of your own, and thank God you have it. So many women get to a point that the drinking is intollerable and have no $$ to get out. I'm not by any means saying that's what should happen, but what a relief it is to know it's there.

It sounds to me that your husband is pretty manipulative and controlling at this point. Alanon can teach you how to deal with those issues.

Come on in and check out the online meetings. They are a great suppliment to the real thing.

Take care
Christy

afglin · Senior Member

I'm glad you posted. Your story is so much like many of us who come here.

I have inherited over 100,000in the last 30 years of marriage. We dont ahve a signle thing to show for it. We only owed abtou 15,000 on our house and paid that off..but other than that we jsut bought lots of new cars, trucks, cmpers...went on trips...bought jewelry...bought presents..lived beyohd our means. He is manic depressive. And when in manic mode he SPENDS. I hate to hear yours went thru 30,000 on a cocaine binge and you lsot your home. That's really sad. The fact he keeps blaming YOU for your family problems is very typical. We dont ish to take the blame and they blame those around them.

I agree on the next 30,000. I'd put it in a safe account. have it where he cant touch it. You might even put most of it in a college fund for the kids..maybe 10,000 each. An dit cant be dipped into until they are 18. I'd probably not even tell him it came...but be sure he cant get to it.

until he's ready to stop drinking/druggin he will only get worse. Its a progressive disease.

Youa sked abtou the online meetings. they are EASTERN time. most meeting slast an hour, bit I am pretty sure the ones here are longer. They are 1 1/2 or 2 hours...but i think 1 1/2 hours.

The best thing you could do for yourself and your kids is get to a local alanon meeting and GO regularly. You will be surprised at how good it can be for your physical, mentala nd spiritual health. your kids deserve at least ONE healthy parent. You owe it to yourself and to yuor kids to seek help. alanon is FREE. A shrink costs alot of money.

Best of luck to you.

LIN

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW- Can't give advice but something to think about , you and your children count too. Protect your inheritance the best way u know how. We have the right to more than just survive. I hope u are going to f2f meetings for yourself andmaybe look into Al-Alateen for your kids . good luck take care of yourself . your the only one who can. Louise

LLPluv · Veteran Member

Tonight I will try and rest. After this week of all the drinking and fighting I have just gotten so tired. Lastnight I was curled up in the middle of the livingroom floor with all the blankets and pillows talking with my 11 yr old son until 3 am. Heart to Heart communication.

Then I found this site today and stepped into a gold mine. I have found some courage in the words from all of you. Tomorrow is another day then I will research boundries.

And research how to bring all this to my A's attention. This has been a taboo subject for years between us. The only time it was ever brought up was toeing the line using as much love as possible to bring to his attention when his drinking increased. This will be like a pan on the side of his head.

So thank you all and tomorrow I will be back to find out more information on how to proceed with this heart wrenching trip.

isabela40 · Senior Member

LL,

I could not believe my eyes as I read your post...it sounds SO much like my own story.

I hear the same garbage from my husband. How EVERYTHING is my fault. And that no one else would put up with my crap, and that is why he drinks, since I make him so miserabe...yeah yeah yeah

This stuff is getting so old that now it is almost a joke. The other day I was telling him how much he smells when he drinks, the whole house stinks like a flophouse, it is AWFUL. He said that all I smell is my "bad attitude", I started laughing. He says this everytime.

He blames everything on me and his whole family believes him.

I am "not allowed" to even mention his drinking and alcoholism , ever. I have to use his stupid euphenisms, like "me time", and "quite time", and "down time" all mean getting drunk. He think this is working, he is a real idiot. I say it in the most cynical voice I can muster too when I say things his way. If I don't, he gets so crazy it scares my daughter, so I handle him with cyncism.

I used to feel guilty about the effect it has on my daughter. But I had to realize that we can't protect our children from the alcoholics and addicts in this world, they are EVERYWHERE! It is hard to live with, but I am using it to educate her about addiction. I think that the worst damage is done by MOm's who pretend that everything is fine and tiptoe around the subject. Actually my husband said it best, he says "she needs to learn that most men like to drink". SIGH! Yes, my daughter SHOULD know the signs and effects of alcoholism, it is just too bad it had to be so up close and personal. I can NEVER change the fact that her Dad is an alcoholic, that is a fact of life. The best thing I can do for her is to teach her to come to terms with it and deal with hit, with as little "drama" as possible.

When you get that $30,000.00 I would use some of it to see a lawyer about finding legal ways to protect it from your husband. You say it was in two lump sums, well he has already gotten his share by blowing the other sum you got. This one SHOULD legally be for you and your children.

I think a personal inhertience is not included in shared marital assets anyway.

This is the time to start thinking about you and your children. I knew my husband was an alcoholic and would fail her, so I started putting her interests first, LONG term.

You say you have a disabled daughter, well, she is going to need a LOT of care, probably for the rest of her life it sounds like. If your husband is not going to be the responsible parent and set aside $$ for her care long term and think of the future and start saving then YOU need to. I look at it like this. One parent has already failed my daugther, she does not need us BOTH to. I don't bother to think about what is "fair" or try to make him do his share. I just do what needs to be done, if I was a single parent I would be doing it all on my own ANYWAY.

Start plannin, preparing, and thinking about a life WITHOUT him. That way you will have aplan ready in case you need to, and if he gets better, you will have the security of knowing that if that should change you have a plan and will be OK.

Isabela

lildee · Senior Member

Dearest LL,

I was pretty much in the same situation as you except we are married 25 years, with 2 girls. I got my inheritence also and a big chunk of that went up in smoking coke. One of the first things I did was to set up my own bank account for my inheritence money. One that he had no access to. Then I took away the house keys. (I would have taken thecar keys but he need it for work.) I had my lawyer set out guidelines for his behavior ... a post nup agreement. Basically if he uses he looses it all. House, money, car you name it. Not so much to actually take these things from him but to show him in black and white what he will loose if he continued on the path he was on. I guess I am one of the fortunate ones, he went to CA (Cocaine Anonumous) and I came to Al-anon. That was over two years ago. He cleaned up his act and things are a lot better. Intially you are dealing with a lot of fear anger and resentment about the whole situation. Working on you via the program will help with that. Doing things to help yourself and protect you and the kids I found to be a great relief. One less thing to worry about. This program will teach you how to be strong and stand on your own two feet, and not be dependent on the addict. You will develope the tools necessary to live with an addict whether he is using or not. The following is the addy for Alanon . On this site they have all there meetings listed. Go and give it a chance. It gave me back my sanity and my marriage.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Good luck on your journey.

Love & God Bless

lildee

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