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I turned 50 this year and my life has taken and interesting turn.. I have set boundries with my family, friends and stepdaughter. My husband is beginning to think I have a problem but I have been in therapy over this. The dr. said I am cleaning house.
My step dauther was a big issue for me. I am over the manipulations, blame and fear of her trying to ruin my marriage with the help of her mother.. after 9 years of dealing with it while my husband sat back and did nothing .. I drew the line last year and gave my husband a choice. Either set boundries or I was going to leave. I had had enough..we worked thru the advice of a dr. and set some boundries. We have not heard from her since xmas and he was not invited to her graduation Of course, husband was not only hurt but the thought that we paid for the private school in full did not sit well. But, seeing reality can be unpleasant sometimes.
I then set some boundries with my family. I am the oldest and needed to distance myself from them. I have done so and feel very relieved about it. It is ok to only see them a couple of times a year. I do not feel responsible for them anymore. It is a good thing!!
My problem now is that I have not been associated with and active "A" for 14 years now. My A was my first husband. My new husband of 9 years is very sweet and kind.. He had stopped drinking before I had met him and I have never known him to drink. But yes I do see dry from time to time.
We both lost our fathers 7 years ago 3 months apart.. about a year later we befriended and older couple who have been alot of fun for us and we have become part of their family. They have a son who is 39 and married with 4 children 10 to 2. The sons drinking has escalated to the point where I cannot handle it anymore. Our friend his mother enables him and his wife to no ends. She has gotten very controling and will do whatever it takes to try and make him happy. The sons father just turns his head and ignors it. My husband hangs with the father as so he ignors it also. My husband loves this man as a father. My husband never had a father figure so this man is filling a need I guess. But I am letting it become at my expense..
My husband and I go to the lake with these people for a week in June and August. I just cringe at the thought of having to go again. I am obsessing about it.. I am going to meetings but coming back with the fear of what?? I do not want to go near what I worked so hard to get away from. I would not go at all but my step daughter has a tendancy to appear down at the lake. She did not come in June but I am not sure about this time. She stays at a different campsite with friends of her mothers. The people at the lake would gladly push my husband and my stepdaughter would manipulate it to her advantage.. have seen it in action. Especially since they know that I am not there and that I am getting annoyed with their drinking. They know that my husband will eventually leave them as he becomes more aware of the problems and they will not be able to manipulate him. He is very easy.. very easy.. and will work, work, work.. "Go ask " Maggie1's husband" he will do it" is the common senses with my husband.
I told my husband that I would go to the lake until he figured out what he needed to do with these people and that I would be pleasant. I know the disease is progressive and we will not be let down by the craziness of these people..the behavior will continue.. it is a matter of time. I will direct all decisions to him. I will let him say yes to having the out of control 5 year old on our boat and he can handle him. I will let him cook the dinners for the friends that our friends invite and want to impress .. so they expect us to cook, clean and provide for these people (He is a doctor and they want him to do favors for them????) , I will back up and let my husband take these people out for a 6:00 am fishing trip while I sleep in. I will be the nicely assertive one or "B" . I will try to be as nice as possible but I will stand up for myself. This should make for a lovely week.
I am very angry with my husband. I do not want to do this or be around this. We invited a new couple to come down and stay for a few days with us. He said we would set up at our camp for dinner with them because we did not want them to get caught up in the craziness with this other family????? HELLO! I said well that would not be nice. What are you telling our older friends? That they are not ok for our new friends and if that is the case then why are we there? He just looked at me. It was the same thing with my stepdaughter. He did not want to deal with her and as long as I would take it he was not going to. But with all the changes I have put in place I am afraid that if I push this issue .. he will push back saying it is me! I am trying to detach from him and I need more help with this.
Your imput would really be helpful here. I am going to every meeting I can find to try and comb thru this.. I am feeling crazy again..! Thanks Maggie1
From an outsider's perspective, it looks to me like you really don't want to go, and are going mostly in order to protect your husband from being expoited. From the way you describe his behaviour, it sounds like he will sit back and let you deal with unpleasantness, but won't take action unless he has to. Well, maybe if you are not there to take care of him, he will take care of himself? Or maybe, the things that are problems to you are not to him?
To my mind, sucking it up and attending a social obligation that you really won't enjoy is fine for an evening, but a whole week? I don't know how close you are to this couple, whether it would be possible to say something like "Because of things that happened to me in the past, I am uncomfortable being around heavy drinking, and since your son will be there, I'll have to pass". This would be honest, but perhaps not possible. I know that I can't be around heavy drinking any more - I get all shaky and start to feel sick. It seem to affect me more now than it did when I was living with it.
I think it comes down to the same old alanon principle - focus on yourself. It is not your job to protect your husband, it is not your job to monitor his relationship with his daughter. You should not have to spend large amounts of time with people who endanger your serenity, but you also don't really have the right to control who he spends time with. Your friend's enabling of her son is also not your job. If you have mentioned alanon to her once, you've done your bit. Let her come to you, if she feels you can help her.
Please just sit down and think about what is best for you, rather than all these other people, and then make your plans accordingly.
It sounds like you have a lot to sort out. I will keep you in my prayers.
As for the trip, I think it is clear that you don't want to go but feel some obligation to be there. As Lin said, the focus and priority should be on taking care of YOU first. Remember, we can't give away what we don't have.
In situations like this, I have learned to trust my gut and my contact with my Higher Power in making decisions. I learned early in life from my A (my father) that I could not trust myself. But I have found the program to help me return to that state. Sometimes trusting my gut ends up empowering me and helping me make a decision. Praying to my HP for his will, not mine, helps too.
I am confident you will make the right decision for you. Take care.
-- Jessi
__________________
If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Hello Maggie, there is a chapter in the AA big book that talks about acceptance. It is single handedly responsible for me being able to have a relationship with the kind of people you described in your post here today. It is a small paragraph that literally changed my life. I had a friend who told me to read that every morning tl I was able to work it in all my relationships. I wish Icould say I do it all the time. hehe but i don't . allow ing people to be who they need to be is still hard for me, as to the drinkers in m y life wellllll today I set boundaries and when I feel I am being overwhelmed I can hug them and bid adue for the day. I don't have to be around unexceptable behavior but I dont have to be rude about it either, which is new for me. HA!
Letting your husb make all the decissions for your holiday is fine , just don't be resentful when they don't work out . accept the fact that u ahd a choice to speak up and u didn't.
Good Luck keep going to meetings and look after you. Our detachment pamphlet is a invaluable piece of literature to me I always carry some in my purse. great guidlines for relationships. Also in our ODAT on july 14th it talks alot about looking fter me, what to do and what not to do in all my relationships. bye for now Louise
Thanks everybody.. It always comes back to keep the focus on myself.. keep myself happy and content and my serenity intact. Pretty simple? Huh?
I am ok with the mother of the A. It is her problem even though I do miss our previous friendship. However, I have told her that I am not comfortable being around the drinking and the craziness because of my background and it fell upon deph ears. This is when I knew I needed to pull away and protect myself reguardless of what my husband does. He will have to make his own decisions and I am working on getting myself to a place of calm. I am tired of the fighting .. my war is over.
I am home by myself in the morning . I am going to read the big book about acceptance and the odat book for July 14 on detachment.. then a meeting! What a nice day..
Many thanks.. as always Alanon and your HP never let you down!! Katy
