looking for insight - Al-Anon Family Group

mom to 2 · Senior Member

looking for insight

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if everyone will agree with me, but yes, I think all or most of them are full of self loathing. They see the damage they are doing, the pain they are causing, and since they have no resources to deal with the guilt they feel, they need to get high as soon as possible to stop the pain. One of the things that recovery teaches them is that negative emotions won't kill you - you can stand the pain, in fact it gets less if you face it straight on.

This is another reason why they are so good at blaming others - they can't stand to face the fact that they are to blame for much of what is wrong in their lives.

I always felt that my husband never understood what guilt is FOR. For myself, if I feel guilty about something, that is a signal that I must not do that thing again. It is a signal that I must do something if possible to make amends. I know, and have known since I was very young, that if I make amends and try to do better next time, the pain of the guilt goes away. I think this is something that he has just learned in the last year or so, at the age of 50+. For alcoholics, it's like they never went through adolescence, never made that maturation from childhood to adulthood.

gamayrouge · Newbie

I agree also. My A has self esteem problems because of feeling like a failure and then it all gets worse for him. Want to let you know that you can say you love him because you do. Just because we get divorced to take care of ourselves and get out of that situation doesn't mean we don't still have love. We just know that we must do our own work.

Hang in there.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello mom, so sorry u ahve to go thru this and yes they are full of self loathing , but again there is nothing you can do about that. I am happy u are looking after yourself and chidren. Alcohol is bad enough but when u add cocain it is truly insanity. Take care of you and be careful he will do and say anything to get what he needs to survive. *disease" not the man u married.

Take time to choose someone to help restore the rental property get estimates and references from them all and take the time to call these people and see how they liked the renos. Do you have a friend who;s husband would be able to help you talk to these guys ? now is the time to reach out and ask for help. you do not have to do this alone.

Take care of you and it's ok to love him, and your right most people would not understand at all, but we do. hang in there and keep doin what your doing ,one day at a time u will be okay.

Louise

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello mom to 2,

My heart goes out to you. ((((((((mom))))) hugs. It is great that you are able to say "I still love him" here. I will always love my 21 year old daughter no matter what. I will despise and hate the disease though. She has a disease but the disease is not her. It is still her choice to drink or use drugs. Only she can save herself. We have to take care of ourselves and our other children too. If I focus on her all the time how will that make my 23 year old son feel while he works hard to be a good working nice human being that is contributing to society. How good am I to anyone if I am not healthy?

It sounds like you are on the right path and taking care of you and the kids in the best way you know how. Keep up the good work and do go to the alanon meetings and keep on posting here. We understand here as others cannot. I use to think I understood alcoholism but now know that I truly did not understand it until my daughter became one. You sound so strong to me. I admire you for all you have done so far for you and the kids. your friend in recovery, cdb

kathy570 · Senior Member

Dear Mom to 2

God Bless You. It is so darn hard. Being a recoverong A myself - I was full of self loothing, disgust in myself, and very ashamed of my self. I drank for 33 + years, am an ACOA. I would not listen to anyone about my drinking & druging. I had to hit my bottom before I could admit I was alcoholic. Everyones bottom is differant - remember that.... I know for myself & many other A's that being so beligerant & in denial, for us - we were affraid - we knew we were in deep trouble but we affraid !!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hubby is very active in his alcoholism & in total denial. God it hurts to watch him killing himself. I can see it in his eyes that he knows he is in trouble & his PRIDE keeps him affraid. For an A to think they can NEVER have another drink is PETRIFING. How will I ever survive? The simple part about the AA program is - Just don't pick up the first drink or drug. We need to think not in lifetime but in days, hours, miniutes & sometimes seconds. Right this second I will not pour a drink or pick up that drug & go do somethong else. Each thought about not using is differant, sometimes easy, sometimes hard!!!! Keep him in your Prayers and thats all you can do.

As for repairs, get referances, how long have they been doing it and make damn sure they get PERMITS. If they are reputabale & honest, they will have no problems with you assking them to get permits. If they bach, then find someone else. Good luck.

God Bless You & your family.

Yours in Recovery

Kathy570

jessi · Senior Member

Mom to 2,

I have a friend in program that always says, "It's okay to love an alcoholic. They're great people." I love hearing that because it's a reminder to me that we can separate the disease from the person and choose to love the person.

I, too, think the self hate is typical. My ex A always turned the tables on me when she was feeling bad because she couldn't seem to look at herself for more than a minute. She has been sober about 7 months and is still like that. I think that is the stuff that takes a LONG time to work out, drinking ot not.

Continue to take care of you and you will be in my prayers.

Love and hugs,
Jessi

Belongtome · Senior Member

Hi Mom to be...been wondering how you're doing.

My A is full of self loathing...but won't admit it. To him, everybody else has the problem. that's also his way of building himself up....putting everyone down.

And I might still love him...I would love him easier if I didn't have to put up with him every day.

Get your repairs done! I, too, am waiting for a rental to sell, and our money's bottomed out. He'll find out in a couple of days, when he runs out of pocket money. Course it will be all my fault, according to him.

Hang in there....focus on you and your new life. Good luck. Genie

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to you so very much. I got a legal separation so I would not lose my home
or whatever.

I love my A too. Got to where I completely take care of me. The only thing I may
get from my A is a hug. When i put my head on his chest I feel at home. It is the
only time in my life I feel ok, secure, my stomach does not hurt, and I cannot
imagine him dieing and I don't even have that.

So I picture him in hp's hands. Take one day at a time, hope he can get thru another day
too.

Once I read we could never feel the depth of guilt the A feels. I believe that. They
hate the disease too. I put myself in his place, to be so out of control and to say
and do things I would never,ever do clean, would be so awful to face. So every
time I might get sober, to think about all I did, drink again.

Rehab makes you face all the demons, all the crap the disease made you do. It is
not easy and unless you are really ready it may not do anything but give you a
vacation from using.

My A was sober for years. He was moral, did not cuss, helped others, paid bills to
a fault, had money in the bank and a job he started himself as a remodel
contractor.

He had a brain tumor removed and had a horrible relapse. So besides relapsing on
alcohol he went back to heroin too.

He has been here at my place at least 3 times and got completely clean. But partially
becuz of the brain damage he just cannot stay clean. So he feels even more
guilty. He has tried to commit suicide two times that i know of, one the paramedics
had to bring him back.

I cannot imagine having a disease that is so devious and is in your brain and your
physiology. They are allergic to alcohol, and crave it. This is true of a lot of people
who have allergies, they are drawn to it. Like if they are allergic to gas they are drawn
to smell it.

I feel sad for you and your kids and your A. He surely is lost and desperate and all
he can fight for is dope. I sure understand that.Anything for dope.

hugs and love,debilyn

lildee · Senior Member

Hi mom,

Denial , self-loathing ,guilt, anger you name it addicts are full of all sorts of negative emotions. You mentioned he was using coke, well that was my hubby's drug of choice. For him paranoia was the biggest issue. It all boiled down to hiding his fears and showing that he was (and is) a real person with real emotions. While he was high, the fear and negative emotions were put to rest, but the minute he crashed they returned with a vengence. Thus perpetuating the cycle. He found his salvation in CA. (Cocaine Anonymous). There he was able to deal with people who understood his heartaches and work on some of his problems. That was almost two years ago. He is still clean and sober. In many aspects a better person but the underlying cause still remains trapped within him. (A lot of his stuff is dealing with self and fear from when he was younger.) I look at it this way he didn't get "sick" overnight, so it is going to take time to get well. He is being more responsible and starting to come out of his shell slowly. All I can do for him is provide a loving supportive environment the rest is up to him.

It is really hard with kids. I know I have 2 also. One accepts what has happened and the other is so angry that her anger is taken out on everyone that comes in contact with her. Even after him being clean for almost 2 years she still brings it up.

Today we celebrated 25 years of marriage, and I still love him. Sure there are parts I wish I could erase but that is wishful thinking and will get me nowhere. Accepting him with all of his flaws is what has gotten me through. Look I am no perfect angel either... I have my PMS moments. lol

You are not crazy saying you love him. You chose him for a reason. Good luck on your journey no matter what path you choose.

Love & God Bless

lildee

mom to 2 · Senior Member

Thank you all for your responses.

I wish I had the time to respond individually--but with the 2 little ones I have little time at the computer.

I said I love him--but I think I mean I love the man he used to be. If he got into recovery I think I could love him again--but there is alot of wreckage and I don't know if it's repairable. I so miss the man he used to be.

Presently he is MIA-completely. I don't think he's even checking his phone messages because his mailbox is full. I left him a message saying I could no longer pay any of his bills as he is no longer giving me any money and he hasn't even responded.

I had several contractors look at my rental prop--- I had a realtor and she gave me lots of hope that with a little effort I should make a profit. I'm still completely broke until I sell it---

I must talk with the lawyer Mon to go to court to be permitted to make decisions without him--as he is utterly unavailable. The best news is that I contacted an insurance adjuster regarding the leaks and water damage and I will be able to file a claim with my homeowner's. For some reason I never thought to do that. Maybe my HP is looking after me after all.

All of you are an inspiration to me. We all have heavy burdens, but.....we are strong--I hope.

PS: I live in NJ--does anyone know the legalities regarding my husband leaving the house at his will then coming back whenever he wants? He's gone way more than he's here but I don't want him to come back. The lawyer had originally told me that I couldn't change the locks but now he's taken alot of his clothes and he's been gone for over a week. Just a question, I will for sure follow up with my attorney on Mon.

mom to 2

megan · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Mom2to

I am in Nj too.

But I left our place as my husband would not leave.

I signed my divorce complaint on Wednesday.

Here is a link to NJ divorce law information

Stay strong

http://www.njlawnet.com/njlawreview/divorceoverview.html#6

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