The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first face-2-face al-anon meeting today. It only lasted about 1.5 hours and it took all of 15 minutes to arrive home. When I got home there was the A accusing me of ruining our marriage by seeking outside "therapy" and that he should be the one I "turn to" and that he is going to solve "my problems." He has been objecting to me going to an al-anon meeting because that would mean that "people would think he has a problem" and at all costs we wouldn't want that, would we? It's not like it is a major secret here. Most people have already figured it out. He is the only one who is in denial.
Anyway, in order to go to the meeting without having to deal with 7 kinds of a fight I told him it was a PTSD group therapy session. I'm taking a leaf out of his book and lieing. I figure what is good for the goose is good for the gander.
So, when I got home he tells me that he is having difficulty dealing with the fact that his wife has "mental issues" and "emotional problems", and I need to be "tolerant" of him and try not to burden him with "my mental disorder".
He is now sulking in the darkened bedroom wondering how long it will take to get me "fixed". I'm wondering if violence is ever justified.
Sounds like a VERY manipulative personality..to say the least. I know you've heard it 1000 times, but keep the focus on you. He is choosing his feelings and his reactions..You choose yours. It's sooooo typical for them to try to make you feel less of a person or mentally unstable. Don't buy in to it! If he wants to sit in a dark room and brood, thank HP he is out of your personal space. There is no reasoning with someone like that, may as well not even think about trying. Detach, detach detach...... Sick people spew their stuff like vomit. If you stand too close, it gets on your shoes..lol
When you become angry or upset at what he says, it gives his words power. It gives power to their behavior. If you don't react, their power dies and becomes weak.
May the power be with you :) Christy (Cjo)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Ditto , your husb reaction is common , it is always about them. NOT !!! Keep going and keep the focus on yourself. I told my husb I was going because his drinking was causing ME a problem he really liked that one, he sayd see I told u , u were the one with the problem. I just smiled and walked away. He never bothered me again about my meetings. taht was along time ago. I am so grateful I stuck to my decission to educate myself about this disease I did not want to leave my marriage and by working this program I learned to detach with love and step aside while he went full bore into his own bottom. I had hit mine the day I walked into my first meeting.
This is damn hard work ditto , but well worth the trip. Hope ufind the courage to keep going , he will stop ranting eventually , my husb told me in sobriety that his biggest problem with me going to Al-Anon was that now there were 2 of us who knew he had a problem, go figure .
Good luck , your worth the effort ditto, keep commin back. Besides u still have a sence of humor left your going to be just fine. Louise
Keep on going. It's the booze talking. A's do and say anything and everything to be able to continue drinking. They are best at twisting the truth to make YOU the problem, not their drinking. They are protecting their booze. Try to tune him out.
Best of luck.
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Take what you can use and leave the rest...seeking tranquilityand offering what comfort I can...Claire
I guess a person is stuck between a rock and a hard place in your situation. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. So do what you need to for yourself now. I will be thinking of you. Keep us posted. You will notice that things will get better for you :) cdb
When i first started going to alanon my husband was VERY threatened by it. he KNEW he ahd a problem. But he had the mistaken idea that in alanon emetings we jsut bash the alkies in our lives and talk abut THEm. Not so. We talk about our own probllems and how to make our lives better. I really felt better when i went to my metings but he made it so hard on me that for a while I stopped oging or sneaked aoround to do it. Finally one time I went to chrurch to confession. (I'm catholic.) I told the priest I felt like I was commiting a sin of omission by telling my hsuabnd only a partial truth. I tell him who I ahd lunch with...or who I went to the mall with...but NOT what we did together for an hour before we went to lunch. You know what that priest told me? He told ME GO to your meetings. Dont think you are lying to him by not telling him. i was totally telling him something TRUE. I was jsut not telling him all of it. The priest told me alanon is for ME. And if it helps me get better, I do need to keep going. So I did.
When he checked into his second rehab, I told him i ws going to alanon and ever since then I have been going almost every week. He knows I go...not always happy since I have 2 jobs and he rarely sees me, but i GO and i tell him.
The control issue and the paranoia and the probl;ems THEy ahve with US seeking help are part of their disease. YOu have to do what you have to do. I even have told mine...if I was not oging, I'd be so crazy that I could not stay married. AlAnon helps me stay with YOU. that helped.
Somehow our involvement with AlAnon validates their problem to them. Your husband's controlling behavior is typical...after all, why should you have a problem? Right? Sometimes it would seem so refreshing and cathartic to just walk up and slap the daylights out of them...or into them as the case may be. Short of that, keep the focus on yourself. Don't let him drive you nuts. He'll do it if you don't fight for your sanity. Stay with AlAnon; you'll be glad you did.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Are we married to the same man ??? Sure sounds like it. My A is the same - total denial or maybe just too ashamed to admit it.....
I am also ACOA & told him the programs are the same because my books & literature is around. A lttle ommision of facts but its my life & I need fixing too. I go for me to get better, to learn how to deal with him & his drinking. I am also a recoverying A almost 4 years so I conveniently leave that stuff around too. I gave him a copy of the AA Big Book. He said he read pits & pieces but was NOT alcoholic just a binge drinker. LMAO. Like there is a differance between them - NOT. His binges last 24 - 7 - just one long binge I guesss.
I cannot control it or him. I just need to do what is best for me. I also go to daytime meeting.
Keep coming back & the nights hes really blasting you about going out - come on here fi you are affraid for your safety. Nothing & NO reason for violence to or from anyone. If that is part of the problem the you need to check out other help.
You are in my prayers & God Bless. Keep coming back, keep posting & keep listening. It does get better.
Hi Ditto...your title "would like to slap him" really caught my eye, as I certainly feel that way some days!! Your's was the only post I had time to read.
Thank you for sharing your life with us. You're parallels mine so closely, except you have the guts to defy him and go to the meetings. Ours here are on Fri nights, only, so I haven't been able to attend. My A also figures somebody would think we had or he had PROBLEMS. Yeah, even my blind nephew can see that!
I don't know how long you've been in your marriage, but mine is over 30 years, and there's only a little bit of courage left in my soul. I have allowed this disease to consume me, driving away a huge family and a host of friends...all of them lack perfection in my A's eyes.
Go to those meetings...your victory in gaining serenity is a victory for others of us here on the board too. If you can detach and focus on your own recovery, work it for all of us who are having a hard time doing so.
