The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to vent, talk it out, stop hurting, ect. I told my A that he could not come home as I don't want to live the way I was living and that it was best for me. He was not happy with me to say the least. Remember nothing has changed, except the fact that I am not the same person that kept taking him back. Usually he says all the things I want to hear and talks me right into it and back home he comes, things are good for awhile then wham. I don't want to do that again. Last night he ask me if there was a chance for us. I told him that only our HP knows that but today no. Now you have to know, that he decided his nerves were shot so he needed to take a LOA from work, a lot of good that does, (not my business though) and today called me at work and told me he was going to start back to work on Monday, could he come home. SCREAM!!!!!! It isn't about him not working right now, it is the whole picture and what I decided I won't live with. It HURTS to say no as I know he will hurt, but it also hurts me to say yes when I only want to believe it will be different. I just want to scream, cry, run, hide, ect.
oh boy Carol u are bring back alot for me inthisi post. My husband and I separated for 6 months many yrs ago and in that time I found out that I loved him and missed him but was going to be okay with out him. I never had to share that with him it iwas just something I knew. that regardless of what he did I was going to be ok.
My husb came to talk 4 times durring our separation both times he ws drinking and it just made me sick to my stomach, and 4 times I sent him away with Sober and AA and we will try again.
Some people think that was control but for me it was the biggest boundary i had ever set in my life, I knew I could not live with active alcoholism again. I also understood that AA didn't make any promises " that it would save our marrige" Or that he would never drink again , but i truly felt that with both of us in a program we had a chance .( We had 9 months of dry drunk which was hell just before he left our home and started drinking again.) Tho sobriety is not easy either, Al-Anon and AA got us thru it as they kept us busy working our own programs and out of each others face. Well we made it , so far so good 15 yrs sober and 20 yrs of recovery for me.
I wish u luck and u are very couragous to be taking care of your own needs at this time and your right it is always about "them" just a fact- occasionally I still have to remind my husb that he is not the only one in this relationship and that I have rights too. and an opinion occasionally hehe. Hang inthere tke care of you and regardless of what he does yo uwill be okay. Al-Anon promises to return us to sanity and that sounded pretty good to me. hehe
I am there too. I am a recovery A since Oct.15/01 and hubby is still very active. We have been together off & on for 25 years. I had to get sober for my own reasons and told him that when I got out of treatment he had to leave with his booze. Our daughter was 14 so he stay with here while I was away.
During the past 3 years we only talked when we had to as I could not stand talking to him when he was drinking. Last Oct. he cane over drunk and said he wanted to get back together. I told him to sober up & we would talk. He said all the right things & everyting I want to hear. For the next 2 months he was sober around me & we talked a lot!!!!!
He pronised me the moon !!! And I believed him. We got back together & bought house in May and we are right back to where we were almost 4 years ago. I BEAT MYSELF up for along time for being so stupid & trusting him. I am recovering A - I should have known better.
One day it was if my HP tapped me on the shoulder & said " Hey if you hadn't got back together, you wouldn't have moved to Milton, you would not have found Al Anon & ACOA, you could not have found the counciling that you have been waiting for2 years where you lived before (small town).
Nothing in Gods world happens by mistake. It is differant for everyone. I am where I need to be today by the Grace of God. My A & I might not last - but I have found so much help here for depression & anxiety but bes of all - Al Anon & this web site.
Every now and then you hear about someone who "made it"...referring to Louise's post to your subject...that's what keeps me hanging on. That's why I believed my husband who was in jail from a dui 4 years ago. He was there for 6 months and had received divorce papers. He called and called and called over days and weeks and broke me down...promised me the moon if he could come home after he got out. It was hard to keep saying "no"...yes, it does hurt to say "no." I wanted so much to believe he could do it and so I relented...dropped the divorce.
He started drinking again within 3 months after he got out. It has been back and forth ever since. Even now, I have hope. I told him last week for the zillionth time that he needed to work a program rather than just say, "I just need to stay sober." He has been doing a couple of things toward that end this week. But it has been a struggle...he doesn't want to change anything about his life (going to meetings, family bible reading, even walking w/ me and the dogs after dinner to do something other than being alone to drink). I know intellectually that he has failed a thousand times and it's not likely he will succeed. But I continue to hope.
Maybe it's not really hope though...but actually denial on my part...hmmmm...
Be strong.
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Take what you can use and leave the rest...seeking tranquilityand offering what comfort I can...Claire
My heart goest out to you. What a hard situation for you to be in. I have done my share of screaming and yelling lately into my hands out of fear for my 21 year old daughter. I do run away. I run away to this site for support and understanding. When others understand it helps. When I share and vent it helps. Do whatever you can to help you now. We well be here for you. your friend in recovery, cdb :)
yes....i agree with louise...lotta memories for me in your post too.
hardest thing i ever had to do was say what i mean and mean what i say when i finally left.
the begging and pleading was always tooooooo much for me. seriously. i could not handle him hurting....still have a very hard time with that. so i refused to see him or speak to him on the phone. i handled all our conversations via email. he still has HUGE resentments over that. couldn't understand why i couldn't speak to him about such a life-changing decision. couldn't understand how powerfully the grips of this disease had me hooked as well. couldn't understand how i could hurt him so.... etc...
i remember telling him he could cry a river of tears and it still wouldn't catch up to all the tears i cried watching him die for 20 years.
but crying those tears of desparation did bring him to his knees and he went to AA. finally.
we stayed apart for 2 and 1/2 years. me with 2 little ones and working full time with no family support (like so many of us here).
but i started to feel serenity and peace for the first time in a very long time and i knew it was right. many months when i was sure i wouldn't have enough money, somehow i would. i can't explain that miracle but it kept happening...
now we are both in program almost 5 years. and back together for 2 and 1/2 years. that was a miracle i didn't expect. not perfect by any means but peaceful and content. my kids of course are thrilled and that makes me very happy.
you never know what surprises this program holds. just trust that your Higher Power has a plan for you if you will follow Him...
hugs, jo
ps. kathy... are you in ontario? i am in bolton :)
