Where are YOU HP??? - Al-Anon Family Group

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

Where are YOU HP???

megan · ~*Service Worker*~

-Hi CDB

(((((CDB))))

This too shall pass.

Do not feel guilty for posting you have my strong support and prayers in this difficult time

Megan

holly123 · Senior Member

Oh ((((CDB))))

Please don't give up we have and are all there with you. I understand the feeling of complete and utter hopelessness. You can make it through this and your hp is right there with you. You just need to listen. Work the program and take care of you and before you know it your life will start to improve again.

Detach from the situation and your daughter and let her hp work his stuff. We don't know what life brings and it must be so hard when the a is your child. Please remember that we are all here and love you.

Please keep coming back.

Love Ya

Holly

sue2 · Member

(((((((cdb))))))

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I do feel for you. This morning when I said let go and let God - I knew you did not want to hear it. I am also going through some difficulties with my son and am speaking to myself as well as to you. It's very very hard being a parent but we can only do the best we can.

I am trying hard to listen to my hp to know what to do myself. They said you have to let them fall. I wonder how far. I wonder if I will be able to do that. What direction do I go? Sometimes I say to myself - "I don't know how to do this anymore".

May God grant you courage cdb. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be happy.

Love,

Sue2

Jeannie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Cdb)))))

Nothing hurts as much as when are children are hurting, and I think we would all gladly take their pain or offer our lives in exchange for theirs.

Have faith that her HP will support her. It is okay to be empty, lean on others for a while. Take a breath and give yourself some time.

Hang in there and you and your daughter are both in my prayers.

Love Jeannie

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for your support. One 1/2 hour at a time for me today. I haven't seen or heard from my daughter yet. Her boyfriend is going to track her down and talk to her. She is at his cousins house who was the only one who could calm her down. :( The boyfriend said he is leaving her. He and I both cried. :( He told her two days ago he would never leave her.

Now My parents are missing too. What a day, huh? My aunt talked to me and no one knows where they are. Life sucks! cdb

haximon · Veteran Member

cdb,

Just remember you aren't alone regardless of circumstance.

Haxi

browneyes · Senior Member

Hello CDB

I feel so bad for your pain. I know that if either of my children walk that path I will be devastated. It would kill me and I really don't even know how I would handle it. Just do the best you can...

Also, please do not feel bad about posting. Everyone has a reason to share, no matter what the problem is . And you help people whether you know it or not. You have many friends here I can tell that care about you. I know that I feel so much better just getting it out of me when I vent and just knowing people understand helps, too.

I hope you can find some peace today, I will pray for you and your daughter.

Love Julie

afglin · Senior Member

So sorry to heaar you are in a bad spot right now. half hour at a time is GOOD...i have had days when I woudl take 5 minutes at a time.

HP is there...always. Even the years I woudl not welcome my HP, HE was there with me anyway. I find using some sort of ANCHOR to help me. It migth be a serenity prayer card, it might be a cross, maybe a book like th Bible or one of my alanon books. Having something like that to touch that will remind me that my HP is always with me, does help.

I hope this afternoon and evening you are diong better. Your daughter's HP will take care of her.

{{{{hugs}}}}

LIN

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

My mother in-law pointed out something interesting to me that I'd like to share with you. Just as I felt my HP was listenting and my A agreed to go to a marriage counselor (any counseling at this point is good and hopeful) he just as quickly retracted his commitment to this. I emailed my mother in-law and she said.....you are letting go and letting God, don't give up, just because it's hard or you are not liking the results doesn't mean that your HP is not doing the job. HP knows what is best for you personally, it may painful but trust in your HP and miracles will happen.

Hugs Mary

isabela40 · Senior Member

So sorry to hear of your pain cdb!

I remember the days when I was like this about my husband. Each heavy drinking binge that he went on so that he had a blackout I was sure it would be his last. I literally hung on his every word, dreading hearing talk that would let me know he had completely lost his mind. I would check his pulse when he was totally smashed and count the ounces of 10% proof malt liqour he had drank (often more than a gallon) so that I could estimate his blood alcohol count to see if I should call an ambulance, then being afraid to since he would wake up and kill me for "ruining him" and "setting him up" which he claims are my motivations for trying to get him help.

I dreaded each day, my heart would sink when he stopped to buy his beer. When I heard the pull top can I would feel my heart start to race. I never knew if he would really wake up or not...

I got phsyically sick with this level of stress.

Then I realized...him or me...

I had to face the fact that ADULTS have the right to kill themselves with alcohol if they want to, just like some people kill themselves with cigarettes or overeating. Being overweight can also ruin your liver and heart, it is not that much different than alcohol abuse in many ways.

It is very very sad but I realized that my husband has for the time being, decided he does not care about his health and happiness, and that I cannot MAKE him care and that trying to was killing me. My daughter needs me still, I can't let this deasease take BOTH of us from her.

Your son, parent's and husband need you still cdb, and your daughter too if she ever wants to get sober. You need to take care of YOU, that is part of loving your daugther. If she sees you falling apart, and sees you as a martyr...welll...that is probabaly only going to make thigns worse.

The best thing you can do for her is to get healthy and stay healthy. If you take care of yourself you will give her a good example for taking care of HERSELF.

Just a question...since our daughters are the same age it seems...

Where is your daughter getting all of this alcohol? She is not old enough to buy or drink legally and whoever is giving it to her is committing a crime.

I told my daughter long ago that if she ever indulged in alcohol or drugs (or any other illegal activity) and I found out about it that I would prosecute HER and anyone involved to my fullest capacity. No matter who it was I would tell the police and prosecutor and write editorials in the paper and such if they did not prosecute. That is why governments makes such laws, to serve as deterrents. If the parents don't teach respect for these laws and don't enforce them, then why do they expect their children to respect the law? My daughter says now that this worked, and she told her freinds who suggested wrong activities to count her out as her Mom is " too scary" to ever cross and "too smart" to ever fool.

If I were in your shoes I would investigate and find out who was providing her with alcohol, or who was selling it to her and turn them in. I don't think following the law, and make sure that no one is hurting your chilredn by breaking the law is enabling.

My daughter told me that she "knows" that if she ever took drugs or alcohol that I would disown her, kick her out, and stop loving her and have nothing to do with her. Well, I am glad she thinks that, but that is not really true, but I will NEVER tell her that, I think it is better to let her think as she does. She is partly right, about the kicking her out part, but I would still love her...that is it. After all I have done for her her whole life, she had better not ever bring trouble to me in that form. If she CHOOSES to engage in self destructive behhavior than she will be on her own. She can't live here and I won't help her with anything, she will reap what she has sown.

I have a lot of other friends with children our children's age. I see them bail their child out of mess after mess, each one worse than the last until most of them end up in prison. SO sad...better let them learn early on before it gets bad how awful and horrible and stressful it is to clean up your OWN mess, they may think twice that way to make another one.

If adult children are treated as children (you are adult enough to make BIG messes but we parents will still make it all better) they never grown up. Adult children can make some really big and horrible messes...yikes!

I am hoping you start taking care of YOU, so you can give daughter a good example of how to take better care of HERSELF.

Isabela

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

cdb, hang in there. You have been there so many times for so many of us, it's OK to give in sometimes. We can't be strong all the time.
My own children are young teens - not drinking yet, but every day I realize that this disease could get hold of them anytime. My husband's grandfather was the town drunk, his uncles died from their alcoholism - half of my children's genes are his, who knows what is in their future?

It is so so hard to let go of your children, just remember - this is not a moral weakness, this is not a sin, this is a disease. You didn't cause it, nor did she.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was
walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the
sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he
noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one
belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When
the last scene of his life flashed before him, he
looked back at the footprints in the sand. He
noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed
that it happened at the very lowest and saddest
times in his life. This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it

"Lord, You said that
once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all
the way. But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life, there is only one set
of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed
you most you would leave me." The Lord replied,
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would
never leave you. During your times of trial and
suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it
was then that I Carried You.

lildee · Senior Member

Dearest cdb,

Sorry you are having a tough go of things right now. Hopefully by the time you read this things will have calmed down some.

You asked where HP is? ..... He is right with you , just listen for His message. God as I choose to call Him has always been with me just as He is with you. But in times of crisis, chaos, and havoc we are so wound up that we can't even focus on the one thing that will ground us... God. Take a few minutes for yourself , relax, meditate and pray. Then earnestly listen for His answer. I hope this helps. It is just something I do when things get too crazy.

Love and hope for a better day

lildee

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

oh (((cdb))) your girl isn't ready yet. The best you can do is to get out of her way so that she really gets consequences from her choices. That is a loving parent (or friend or spouse, etc). Can you do one good thing for yourself each hour while your distress is so intense? One nice thing you would do for your best friend who is having a horribly tough time. You can be our agent because we're not there. Take care of yourself. Jill

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello all,

This situation became worse than I could ever think! This guy did lie about Iraq and other things! We just went over to see if our daughter was safe after I found this out from her aa friend who didn't call me but I had to call her. While driving over there, we wondered if she was okay! His uncle did recently accuse him of killing their son! She was in bed hung over. The guy was there. I can't believe all this is happening. She wants to make her own decisions! She doens't even kwow she may be in danger. The guy told my husband he is leaving Sunday and will stay at his bosses house. My daughter just said she hadn't had time to talk to him yet! We left....confused,,,numb! What is wrong with this disease! If he kills her he kills her. If he beats her he beats her! No control at all for us! What is wrong with my daughter! The disease has her captive again and all we could do was come back home. I hate this disease! cdb

-- Edited by cdb at 19:41, 2005-07-27

sanddie · Senior Member

cdb, I know EXACTLY where you're at, as I am facing some hard choices to make with my 17-year-old daughter. She will be released from a rehabilitation center that she has been in for the last 45 days, yet her attitude remains the same, if not worse towards me than when she went in.... There is ONLY one thing that gets me through this and I wanted to share it with you. :) As difficult as it is with these being our children, there comes a time that they NEED to be held accountable to God on their own so that they can find their own relationship with God. We've done the best we can in guiding them there, but then God expects us to turn them over to Him so that He can be in their life. Hopefully this link will help a bit... Always remember, even though they are our children and we hurt when they hurt and want them to be okay and help them through-- they are responsible for ultimately establishing their relationship with God AND God expects that...... Here ya go--- Take Care and I'll keep you in my prayers.

http://www.rc.net/wcc/readings/luke1249.htm

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

cdb

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: Where are YOU HP???

whitie · Senior Member

We all are on empty at sometime or another. You can't not feel, at least I hope not. I have faith that your HP and program will lend you a helping hand soon. I can't know (as my son used to say) why our HP loads us down sometimes except that it makes us stronger.

I'm sad that you are in such pain. My prayers go out to you and your daughter and family.

Whitie

DanaAngel · Senior Member

cdb,

Sorry to hear you are in another situation surrounding your daughter. I read all these posts from people who are still dealing with active alcoholics and it makes me grateful I have never had to deal with that stage.

isabela40 · Senior Member

Don't be hard on yourself,

All of us parents can look back in HINDSIGHT and know we could have made better choices in some areas, but at the time we did the best we knew how.

You obviously love your daughter SO much cdb! That level of love and devotion I am sure was expressed in many lovely ways.

Don't blame yourself.

I made plenty of "mistakes" with my daughter, belive me! And my parents made plenty with me, but what kept things together? LOVE! I knew my parents loved me with all their hearts and my daughter knows I love her same way. Love is a "perfect bond of union" and "will cover over many transgressions".

Your daughter knows you love her so stop beating yourself up over anything you did.

Isabela

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks again for your replies,

I am going to try and sleep now. Hanging out in the room got me to smile and laugh again. :) I haven't talked to my daughter and I do not intend to until she calls me. One day at a time. I guess I must be feeling some prayers with the calm I am feeiling but am a little stubborn to admit this. I still feel bad for taking up so much of people's time here. When I started using this message board a year or so ago, I took a risk that the honesty I share is worth it if it helps someone else. I can only hope that my posts may do this and that is another reason I post from my gutt and heart. So many are in the same boat afterall. I still feel numb but numb is where I am for now I guess. Alcoholism still sucks! Thanks again for your compassionate replies and unconditional support. cdb

-- Edited by cdb at 03:37, 2005-07-28

Mandi · Member

cdb,

i just want you to know that you are such a wonderful person and have helped so many of us in so many different ways. I am sorry that you are in this dreadful place in your life right now but i wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers, along with your daughter.

Mandi

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((Mandi)))))))))))Thank you so much. I needed to hear that today. I think so much of you too. You are such a friendly,caring, wonderful person. cdb

sanddie · Senior Member

cdb:

For what is is worth-- I have seen how much you care for your daughter and see how my daughter took a turn for the worse. Whenever I see what I am faced with, I think of you and the pain that you experience with what your daughter goes through and if you don't mind, I'd like to give my perception of the type of person I've seen in you throughout my time here and during online meetings.... I see and hear a woman who has a HUGE, HUGE, heart and wants everyone and everything to be okay AND the more that they are not, the more it hurts. You don't want to give up and I can relate because I see the good in everyone also-- However, cdb, I also see that you are being so hard on yourself and how you feel. ALL of our emotions are God given and supposed to be experienced AND all of our situations are also a part of His plan-- like it or not. Forgive me for being so blunt, but the truth is as difficult as it is for you to see that God is with you more now than ever. Don't let Satan deceive you into thinking differently. Satan is of this world with his temptations and he wants NOTHING more than to come between our relationship with God because he does not want us to have peace with God. Satan will use our circumstances and people who mean the most to us to get to us---- Don't give up on God because one thing will ALWAYS be certain-- He will NEVER give up on you, He loves you and your daughter. The pain that you experience, He experiences seeing you suffer. You may question why he doesn't intervene and well.... if you think about it, isn't it for the same reason that we should not intervene with the alcoholic? Aren't we supposed to let them face consequences to their actions? God is the same-- he allows us to make choices and decisions based on what is right for US, nobody else. This being the case, if God doesn't intervene in our choices and so many times mistakes, who are we to intervene in other peoples choices or mistakes? The ONLY way to learn or grow is from our own mistakes-- And GROWTH in WISDOM is one of many things that God wants for us.

Hang in there-- my prayers are with you.... HUGGGGGSSSS

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.