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I don't know why he can't tell the truth about anything. But, he doesn't. And I have stopped believing anything he says. I never know what is fact and what is made up. How does anyone live with that kind of shifting reality? How do you deal with it?
You are absolutely right that pretty much everything that comes out of their mouths are lies.
The nature of the disease is to lie and cover up things even if it isn't necessary.
I'm not sure how to tell you to deal with the lies but I can tell you what others have told me. If you put the focus on you and expect that what they are saying are going to be lies. Don't count on your a for anything because they can't even count on themselves. Don't feel like you are singled out, they lie to everyone including themselves because they can't face what a wreck their life has become.
All you can do is focus on yourself. That is a very hard thing to do but focusing on yourself can be very distracting and help to ignore the lies and go on with your day. Don't set yourself up for disappointment, you know they lie so don't ask for answers. Sometimes not knowing is just better and they aren't going to tell the truth anyway. Hopefully by putting the focus on you, it will help you to deal with the lies.
I have always felt that the hardest part is dealing with the lies.
Honesty is so important and we almost never get it from an active A.
The horrible part is that they do it so often, I know my husband begins to accept his own lies as reality. He is sure he did not say the things or do the things he does, and will swear he is provoked even when he isn't. He also does not believe it is lying if it is only about drinking.
Holly is right , keep the focus on you, don't accept the lies, just try and ignore them.
besides what he was lying about, being lied to was the hardest thing for me....
since i have been in alanon and he has been in AA, we have learned...
- if his/her lips are moving, he/she's lying.
- expectations are premeditated disappointments.
- place the focus on self
- do NOT let him/her get away with a lie if you know otherwise. just (when sober) let them know you know and don't discuss it. the pretending/ignoring feeds into their denial.
get to open AA meetings as well as alanon meetings. the open AA meetings will help you understand alcoholic thinking. it will help you separate the person from the disease so you can better practice detachment. detachment helps you from taking this behavior so personally.....
I learned to expect the lies. Mine woudl make them up about things that really did not matter one way or another. One thing I learned..if I was asking a question where he woudl be covering up most likely, i was setting myself up for another lie. So why ask ARE YOU DRINKING? why ask Did you take something today? why ask did you go to your meeting? IKNOW he'll lie to keep from telling the truth. So one way I deal with lies is not ask any questions that I could expect him to lie anyway.
Hello again Ditto , alcoholism has many nasty symptoms and lying is one of them. In fact I believe they don't remember what actually happened most of th time , thus the lies. In our program u will learn to trust yourself , learn to trust what your seeing and hearing. One of the biggest mistakes I made when my hsub was drinking was to expect him act like a normal person. Practicing a's are anything but normal and when I could just accept that I didnt need to confront him all the time and try to get him to admit he was lying. It only caused a big fight anyway and served no purpose.
Loving the alcoholic just the way he is takes time but as u begin to understand this disease it gets easier. keep commin and read the literature. your life will get better. Louise
He lies because telling the truth will likely start an argument, and the idea of arguing is exhausting.
He lies because he wants to continue drinking.
The lies are so hard because they destroy your relationship. Afterall, how can you have a relationship with someone without trust? Lies build walls between you.
I have told my A sometimes that the lies are worse than the drinking, but I'm not sure that's 100% true. They do go hand in hand. Arguing will definitely make things escalate, so I meet it head on, tell him I know I'm not getting the truth and walk away.
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Take what you can use and leave the rest...seeking tranquilityand offering what comfort I can...Claire
Great topic!! My active A is becoming a master of lies. He too fools himself into believing the lies, I know I'm not crazy. I said what I said, or did what I did, etc, etc... I have been struggling with how to deal with this myself. I'm not a veteran in recovery, just a baby I guess. The hardest part is dealing with the emotions the lies bring out. First I'm relieved to get to the bottom or the truth, then the anger comes with why it was so necessary for him to lie about something so small.
His answer is " Well, I thought you would be angry or make a big deal." The old me would have made a big deal, as everything was magnified. I guess I created the groundwork for an ongoing battle with my own sickness. I agree with the others, focusing on myself and knowing I can depend on me and my HP, helps to put things in perspective. I'm not good at the forgiveness part or letting go. Gotta work on that.
It is wishful thinking that the A will be able to face the truth, my prayer is that he will one day.... until then this is reality.
We have ourselves, and we have program. Take care~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
