here is the update ya missed hon




LOL you guys were so wonderful with your comments!!! I learned from you and I did
not feel so alone. Also learned I am not the only one who gets that drive to go look
at him.

Well I got there in the am one or so. At first neither of us said a word. He said i cut him out of
my life. I told him he chose that.

After we talked a bit I asked if I could lay down. He said yes. So we layed there in the dark
and talked. He told me he was sorry for not getting back to me sooner when I was
so afraid. I said are you? He said yes.

I did not ask, but he told me he has been sober since he started working many weeks
ago. He is farming, loves it. Works 12 hours a day 6 or 7 days a week. Told me it has
made his depression go away and he feels so much better. Said he is slowly building his
program back.

He smelled good, skin was nice, looked good, and has gained weight. Said he is eating
all the time. Said his liver and stomach cannot handle him being empty.

He mostly answered things I asked him. I told him I was very lonely for him and was
not doing well up here alone. That I needed him in my life, as much as he can handle.

I mean that too. Just knowing he may call or may come visit sometime would make
things easier. I am still married to him, he has not been with or even interested in
anyone else.

He told me I looked good to him. I know I felt good to him. It was very, very nice to
be there. He did not have to work the next day so could rest all day.

I knew he was sincere as he did not do any of the A talk. like changing the subject to
him or lieing. So I was given a gift that night. I love it when hp allows me to see
my A during a good time.

I know the next time he is around or calls, what ever, he may be using again or whateer
but that is the nature of it.

I have tried to love other men in my life, but it never worked. My husband, my A is the
love of my life. Alanon has given me the skills and the strength to face this fact
and to be able to forgive the A disease behavior no matter how much it hurts.

Like this time, it took me many, many weeks. But I feel better inside. When ever
I get to see him or hear from him again will be ok. Let go and let god for one thing, one day at
a time, and appreciate every precious moment I get to be with him.

This disease tried to chase me off for good this time. Didn't work did it? Close though.

I am a real believer in the Bible, and this thing I feel is LOVE. It does not keep account of
injury. I don't feel any bad inside about him at all.

When the disease runs him, he is not able to care or love like I do. He cannot love
like he did before the brain surgery. I feel my heart holds the love we have for both
of us. He made it clear that night how he feels, and he does feel.

It takes time for me to grow and to really understand where the A is. If he had brain cancer
I would be more forgiving. I could not be when I had the cancer scare. I just couldn't.
But now I know and next time I will have to be more clear what I need from him, and
ask if he can handle that. If not, accept what he can give.

I also learned something else. Intimacy between a man and wife does not have to be
the whole act. To put it carefully. A's can have a real problem with that, especially
when they are in the last stage. But I gotta say, I felt as satisfied as I ever did when it was
the total thing. It was just a different way of sharing. I found it beautiful.

I cannot go into detail here, but suffice it to say, any intimacy, if enjoyed by both, and
you are really in love, is very, very precious and wonderful.

Anyway thank you for reading, thank you for comments. I always think I have seen him
for the last time, then hp hands me this gift!!!

Thanks to Al-anon I have molded and am molding into someone who can love their
A as is, and not go crazy doing so!!! Well I am already eccentric...haha

I have an eden update coming to prove it.

love and hugs, grateful to my al anon brothers and sisters, debilyn in Oregon of Potter's
Eden