The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a couple of days since I've been here. I don't know why but, For the past couple of days I've been really depressed and just have no feeling for my husband. He has been clean for about five days or something and in general he thinks our relationship should be all better now. I have tried to explain that the past has hurt so much that I am lonely and I feel no connection with him so why would I want to be intimate with him. Cuz for him that means sex, that things are better. Gosh!!!! I'm so sick of it all. And just sad or something cuz I realize it's finally over and I just don't want to handle this crap anymore. Last night he told me that he would not pay for childcare when I go back to school and that my son will be crushed to not have me there for him after he gets out of Kindergarten. I told him i will find another way to pay for it then. I may not be able to, I am not going back to work until two weeks after my kids go back to school. that statement about my son was cruel in my opinion and a way to gain control over me.
When he is home it is constant tension and chaos, esp. when he is clean. He acts like the King and what he says goes and why the hell can't I just back him up and stop disagreeing with him. I have so much anger that whatever he says I just can't stand it. It really hurts. I hear a lot of you guys saying that your A's are your life long loves and it hurts cuz I built a life with someone on a rebound from my true love. I was in such pain when my true love got sick with schizophrenia and left me that I latched on to the first person who looked screwed up enough for me. I guess because then I could not be attached and not get hurt again????? I don't know it doesn't matter but I don't think I ever really loved my husband and I'm still looking for that soulmate like I had, I still grieve for him. But I still feel pity for my husband cuz I can tell he really loves me and is reaching out to me right now and I just feel like shutting him out.
Everything in my brain is telling me not to trust him that it will always be the same, but it is so hard living here with him. Maybe the solution is to hold off on school and get a job asap to rent an apartment and then go back to school. Cuz I cannot get one without a job. And it's getting harder and harder to live here. I feel like I am being crushed form all the arguing. I know I am not supposed to argue but the things he says are so stupid and not a good example to our kids. Like we were at McDonald's and some kids were teasing another kid and he says "I bet if that kid had turned around and smacked him one they would think twice nexttime" and my son's like "yeah". So that started the whole discussion on how violence doesn't solve problems vs. Me raising a "p*ss(his words). Right in front of them! He also tells my son not to scream like a girl and for my daughter to stop eating so much or... You get the picture.
I do not know how I ever got here with someone so different from me. His family beliefs are totally different from mine. I feel like my soul is being crushed cuz when I stand up I get slammed again. I can't do this. I'm going to end up leaving no matter how you look at it so I might as well get it over with. I really don't know what my point is, I just needed to get that out cuz sometimes I still feel like I 'm the crazy one and I am wrong, like he says. I certainly know I have been damaged from this and earlier times in my life so I just don't know sometimes. I know that I am moving forward and want to be healthy and have a better life so that can't be wrong, can it?
I too am crushed by the arguing....I know better then to argue with my A too. When I told him I can't trust him or what he says, "what's the point of being married then" like it's my fault I can't trust him. The lies and broken promises are so very painful. Some days are so very nice but lately the bad days are out weighing the good ones. I look at him and think of ....how did I ever get to this point. I feel that we will not make it in this relationship.
I have been working on codependent issues just when I feel like I am doing so well with letting go, he is like a giant vacuum that sucks me back in. My A has the same attitude as yours that I should back him up. I learned over the last year that what I had done for years is agree with him to avoid him getting angry. I can't do that anymore; I don't agree or back him up unless I agree. They all seem to be on a journey to hurt the people who love them the most.
I work, but my pay is not enough right now to pay the bills, I have applied for a couple of jobs. My mother in-law told me to trust my HP, since I let go and let God, during the tough times it is so very hard not to trust that your HP is doing what will be best for you in the end.
Hang in there, there are plenty of us out here that know exactly how you feel.
I really know that feeling - that guilt that "well, maybe if I really were a nicer person, a better wife, whatever, things would be better". This is one of the ways that A's control us. They are good at putting blame around, and we (because we are part of this) are good at taking it. Instead of falling for his line, try to look at your situation through clear eyes. You will see that there are some things wrong in your lives that you have your part in, and some that he has his part. The fact that you have had some part in getting you where you are does not mean that you never have the right to be happy again. It does not mean that you have to let someone treat you badly.
When we look at it all as a question of 'blame' then that is where these false solutions come from. We say to our A "I can't stand you when you are drunk" and he says "Well, I'm not drunk now, be nice to me." He can't understand why that doesn't solve the problem. The reason is doesn't solve it is that we are two sick and unhappy people, living in a sick relationiship. Until there is some recovery, on both sides, things will not be good. As we see over and over here - just quitting drinking does not solve the problem. Getting better solves the problem.
