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Hi, I am new to this board but I could use some insight to my reaction.
I am currently dating a Recovering A who has been sober for a year, he is very active in AA, working the steps, spending time with his sponsor, etc.
Friday he started getting sick throwing up, weak, blury vision-despite being sick, he worked Sat and Sun days, he was with me the nights. Yesterday, he worked, despite my suggestions to GO TO THE DOCTOR! Stubborn. Anyway, I spoke to him yesterday at 6, he was still sick but finishing up work and hoped to be home by 7. I didnt hear from him again last night nor this morning, unlike him, he usually calls after his early bird mtg and thoughout the day. I finally text paged him around 11, he said he was not doing well, very sick and was at home.
Heres the prob: I was beginning to worrry by 10:30 last night when I had not heard from him, but thought hes probably sleeping. But when I didnt hear from him this am, I thought, hes avoiding me, hes using, hes not really sick, maybe I'll drive by his house to see if hes there, maybe hes in the ER or at the crack house, which is it? I have a little humor about this now because it turns out, he was not lying, nor using, hes just really sick- some sort of viral infection.
But, the problem I am having is my reaction to the situation! I was obsessing from yesterday at 7 until just now, untrusting that he was sick was scary, will I always have this paranoia that hes out drinkin/druggin, even though hes not given me any signs? If he was using, what could I have done anyway, right? I felt hurt, sad, angry, frustrated and then ok when I found out he was ok.
Hi Beach , welll u might find one or fifty of us who could relate to your question hehe. Obsession is something we have all done a fair amount of. I hope if u continue in this relationship u will give Al-Anon a try for yourself. We are enablers and also need to change.
You friend is solid at the moment in his program and it would make things much easier for him and you if u have your own program, u would also be talking the same language and that can't hurt either. good luck Louise
Thanks for the suggestion, ironically, I entered the Al Anon program locally just before meeting him. My sister is in recovery hence my joining Al Anon.
While I tried to use some tools to "save me from myself" I suppose I acted on my feelings instead of being patient, etc.
Being in a relationship with someone in recovery is new to me, but once I talk it thru, I realize what I need to do for ME not him when situations like this arise, but boy it is hard. This is the first time I let fear, obsession, etc take hold of me in this relationship. I prayed to my HP last night, this am, today, over and over and over, this afternoon has brought much clarity and the thought- What I need to do for me and that I have lots of work to do----but I am thankful to HP for some understanding and peace. No longer obsessing and see my obsessing as a sign that I need to address issues within myself. Make sense????
Boy oh boy, can I relate. I find that it's best if I find something else to do, to take my mind off - get very busy at something that doesn't allow too much thinking. If you know anyone who has three children under four, offer to babysit, something like that!
In a way, interfering and obsessing is our addiction, and we can fight the urges the same way A's fight theirs - read the literature, go to a meeting, keep busy, stay away from slippery places.
Yes, I have always been world class at obsessing, especially with relationships. Thanks for your suggestions, meetings are most beneficial for me, I suppose putting myself in a place to focus works best.
But, if I do start my crazy thinking, I'll call my friend who has 3 kids and tell her, 'bring the rugrats over', with my 2 that ought to take my mind off my obsession! or send me to the loony bin one!
Thanks for the support, grateful to HP for laughing today, its been a few days.
I have a question regarding my addiction of interfering and obsession. If I never had any A's in my life, except for growing up with my father's sickness, would I still have this addiction of mine? I mean...I guess I would but it would show itself in different areas. I feel that I only seem to obsess and worry over alcolhol related things. What kind of things would I obsess over if I didn't have any alcolhol related things going on. OK, I obsess about my weight and overeating everyday. I guess maybe the alcolhol things take my mind off myself for awhile. If I didn't have my A's, it would just be my obsession about myself all of the time? I know this sounds like alot of rattling but can someone reply with some incite.
Gailey
ps...father has passed away...not worrying about him anymore.
The way it looks to me, from what I have read and what I have seen in my own life, is that if you did not have THIS A, you would probably just have another one. I know for sure that I did not marry the man I did by accident. If I did not have much of the underlying 'stuff' that makes up my part of our codependant dance, I would never have married him. The first time he did his speciality "distant-close-distant" trick, the one that always keeps me off balance and doubting myself, I would have said "See ya, bud", if I were healthy. The first time he blamed me for something that was so obviously nothing to do with me, I would have thought "Hey, he's a nice guy, but I date losts of nice guys. He's also ttrouble." The reality was, I DIDN'T date lots of nice guys. Nice guys, guys without complications and issues and secret depths, bored me, and I bored them. I was drawn to and intrigued by what I now see are his alcoholic traits. All those years of living with active drinking just made me more, and worse, what I already was.
or send me to the loony bin one!