The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A finally called at 2pm Saturday afternoon. He started with "I was wrong and I know you do not accept my apology because it is connected to alcohol and drugs, but I am sorry." I listened but didn't say anything, I thought as he talked that a year ago I would either be screaming or crying, but not today. He went on to say that he had to tell me something, so again I stopped and listened.
He said "don't take this the wrong way because you have been telling me for years but my best said that I am fun to hang out with, that he enjoys working with me but that I treat my wife and family like crap, that I am in a downward spiral and out of control....I know you have been telling me but when you hear if from a guy who is your friend, it sounds different.....so I am willing to go to counseling, ONLY marriage counseling though...." I sat and listened, I have asked him for at least 3 years to go to counseling with me, he has been adamant about if we can't handle it alone then it's not worth it...so this was a big step for him to say that he thinks anything can change with help from an outside connection.
I have talked to a couple girlfriends, they say don't do it.....my sister says that this is a start....I love my husband and know that he needs help, that our marriage is suffering the effects of his use, so have any of you went through something similar.....I feel like .....I let go and let God, and my HP is starting something that I should follow....I know that this is not going to "cure" what is really ailing my marriage, but maybe it will open the door to more that needs to happen....I thought my A would have to get a DUI or worse for him to even suggest counseling in any shape or form....
Oh boy....Have I been down this street twice. OK, this is how it can go....from my experience.
Marriage Counseling: With an exceptionally skilled counselor, they will recognize drug/alcohol abuse and usually address that issue first--if any other relationship problems will get solved at all. It's a no-brainer that USING of any kind, breaks promises. Ask questions about the couselor--how many years in practicing? What approach do they use for alcohol use? (recommend AA, rehab, treatment centers, (OR ha, ha controlled drinking, geez!)
1986 -- Our first marriage counseling sessions sent us both to AA and Alanon respectively. Continued marriage counseling 3-4 sessions. Results : Ten Years Sobriety , Finished raising our family! : )
Relapse 1996, then:
The only negative thing I had with counseling was through an employee assistance program. Our counselor had just graduated from college. The thing was my A really didn't "want" to quit the booze, so he took everything in counseling and turned it around to use on me, kept on drinking, refused to get in his 4-6 sessions of individual counseling, wanted me to join in right away--to fix it quick! He wasn't that serious about it, or thought he could do a controlled drinking pattern, quit AA meetings, etc.
Anyway, he drank again for 6 more years and then spiraled downward tha last two. He found himself in the same disaster as 1986, so he went straight back to AA. 7 months sober now.
I agree with Sal. Make sure you really research the counselor you go to. I would make sure they have a m.s.w. or are a psychologist. For instance I would not go to pastorial counseling.
That is just me. I am not saying they are not good, but they usually have no training.
My thought is it may open doors you never thought of. Jeannie seems to have gotten some answers from going with her A. I hope she sees your post.
I am glad he is willing to take this step! You sound like you love him, if so, believe me, miracles do happen.
Keep coming here, have you gotten the book,"Getting Them Sober?" please, please do. You won't be sorry.
One thing I can say, from my own experience, is that it won't work if you don't tell the truth. We saw a counsellor for a while, and the words "drinking" and "drugs" were never mentioned. And, gee, you know, somehow, it just didn't really do us much good.
I am not sure if you have been following Jeannie's posts but you can do a search here to read her past posts. She posted alot about her experience with counseling with her and her husband. My husband and I have gotten alot of counseling over the past 27 years of our marriage. It works if you work it applies to counseling too. One thing I found is that when the counselors would say something that I had been saying for years he would hear it and understand it....LOL. So for me that part was worth it. One counselor quit seeing us because my husband wouldn't do what she wanted him too. It never hurts to try and see how you like it. I would again suggest you look through Jeannies posts. It was every intersting how her a handled the counseling situation. cdb :) Keep up posted.
I agree with the other posts that you should not hire a counselor lightly.
I have met some real jerks, and idiots, and one who was a very sadistic person, scary to think what sort of people are shaping the minds of the emotionally damaged in our society, I used to be against counseling for that very reason.
That was until I found the most professional, kind, caring, sincere, experienced counselor in the whole wide world, LOL. He looks like Abe Lincoln. You just can't beat experience, he is a PhD level psychologist and has over 40 years of professional experience. He works out of his home, in a old restored beautfiful home. He has a VERY professional office in the back, with a full time secretary who is equally nice. He has a dog too, right in the office and has a hobby of gardening and rock gardening. He would often have sessions in his sweaty paint smeared T-shirt with his socks on and torn jeans, but with that Abe Lincolc beard and sincere face, it did not matter.
The point is that you have to shop VERY carefully for a counselor. I have had counselors be such idiots I told them off to their face. They did not take it well.
I would not EVER see anyone with less than a PhD. I practically have what "counselors" or "therapists" have or any other euphanism that some of them use these days to pretend they have somethign they don't. I minored in pshycology in college then started a MS in it but dropped out (ran out of money, and overextended on loans). I think I am only a few classes awy from a MS in it which means I could get licensure to open up a practice. I also would not go to anyone divorced for marriage counseling, or anyone with less than 25 years experience, or anyone sinlge. Widows or widowers are OK though.
Just my two cents.
In another relationship I went to a counselor with my fiance as he was an abusive jerk and I was breaking up with him. He suggested counseling as last resort. This jerk told the counselor that he was a "nice guy" but I was too damaged by my first marriage to see it, HA. The counselor went along with it...I told her off and left and lever looked back.
When I finally managed to DRAG my husband to see this guy it was hilarious!!!! My husband, normally not intimidated by ANYONE, tried so hard to make a good impression that it had me giggling throughout the ENTIRE session, YIKES!!!! Really, it was awful.
The counselor had us go through communication drills and during them my husband looked me straight in the eye and parroted my words back to me (part of the exercise) it was killing him as his specialty is to blow me off and ignore me and not let me talk and he spoke in such a robotic monotone voice and looked at me so deadpan, like a deer caught in headlights that it CRACKED ME UP!!!! I could not stop giggling. I of course looked like the NUT!!!! But since this therapist knows so much, when I explained later over teh phone, he could relate. PHEW!!!! FINALLY I am not the bad guy.
I seem to attract eveil geniuses and it takes an equally intelligent genius to see through them. My former fiance was a genius also, a computer programmer who was one of the biggest jerks in the universe. He asked me to marry him and move into his house, where he had every spare bedroom filled with his computer junk and TOYS. He said my daughter could sleep on a couch in one of his junk filled rooms...like she was a dog he had to find a corner for. This is just ONE example of how he treated me. Yet, he was able to convince that idiot counselor that he was terrific guy and I was so messed up that I did not know what good guy was, and she had to help convince me (brainwash me) that he was a great guy. Well...um...it DIDN"T WORK!!!
I am super impressed that this guy I found saw right through "A"'s deceptively docile performance. He has carefully carfted it and FEW people see through it.
Most "A"'s are like that, good at conning people. You need a REALLy experiences and skilled therapist to see through them. Remember, PhD level only that will weed out a WHOLE lot of people just trying to make a fast buck. You have to spend a TON of money and time to get a PhD in psychology, and usually only a really dedicated person, who sees this career as a calling, makes it that far.
The final decision is up to you. Definately check out the councillor !!! I agree that if he is good, then he will say that the addiction must be dealt with FIRST !!! I don't need to go into long details but mine did the same. How could he be honest in marraige concelling if he could not be honest about his ADDICTION ????? Mine sure couldn't.
