The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy Monday everyone...it was a heck of a weekend around here.
Fri, I had worked from 7:30 am, and got home at 10 pm, after my A had ended his workday at 1:30 pm and played 18 holes of golf.
Sat, I was on my way to help him at work, and said I needed to stop for two errands. He said to skip one errand til Sun, during my "free" time. I agreed.
En route, I got a call that my brother in law had passed away, and my sis was alone at the nursing home, alone. I said I was about 15 minutes out, and would stay with her til her daughter arrived, if my A didn't need me. Called him, and he pitched a fit, telling me what an immoral slut my sis was (not my business). I didn't go to her, but to him instead. By that time, he decided I would tell the family he wouldn't "LET" me go, so told me to go on. I was crying, and refused to go then. We fought about 6 hours...but I finally told him he has no right to tell me what or when to do things, especially since he does as he darn well pleases.
Not much was settled, but it gave me a little push to put up or shut up, and start living again regardless of whether he likes it or not.
So sorry to hear of your loss, for you and your sister.
My "A" too tries to isolate me from my family. My brother is "not allowed" to call or come over to the house...just because he had an argument with my husband once. My brother tried to call my husband and apologize, but he won't speak to him. Then my brother WROTE HIM A LETTER, and my husband did not even read it, but tore itup and threw it away...
That was so he could keep trying to think and say that my brother is a bad person, and not allowed here. When he came to pick up my Mom, he parked down the street and stood on the neighbors sidewalk to get my Mom...sad.
Our alcoholics try to isolate us from our family's and support systems so that they can control us, and hopefully get us so broken down and weak we will never stand up to them and will accept any and all kinds of abuse.
I have tried to disengage from my husband as much as I can, I never tell him what I am doing or who my friends are, or my plans. I try to be discreet and do most of my living while he is at work, make calls to my friends (on my Mom's phone) or go outside for a walk or bike ride. Only to keep his nose out of my business. He tries to keep me without car to keep on controlling me, I have to ask him for his car and I am not allowed to use it except for work. Well, he often drinks until he passes out while I am at work. I call my daughter from work before I leave to see if he is knocked out, then if he is, I can go to the store and read magazines I enjoy that I can't afford to buy...anything to have SOME kind of life separate from the alcoholic.
I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. Sorry too that you are recovering from loss at the same time.
Remember that you have the loving support of everyone here to stand up for your right to be there for your family. If you are not strong enough to do it now, we will hold your hand and share our strength with you until you can.
Hey! Isabela pretty well covered what I had to say. I was in the same situation for a long time, lost all my friends, hardly see my family.. Alanon has helped me recover my SELF tremendously. Working your program, one step at a time. Sounds like your are making some progress, good for you!!
I always said the secret to a happy marriage is:"One day YOU do what he/she wants to do, the next day HE/SHE does what he/she wants to do!! Ain't that a fact!!! Wishing you lots of success in YOUR recovery, Love TLC
I had a hairy weekend, ...but I did prescribe for myself alone time and rest...for today. I hope you will do the same for yourself during these trying times. Be good to you Take time out for emergency self care!
Dear Belong, Yoda said something on that Star Wars movie,"Don't try, DO!!!"
I do not say try anymore, I do. It has made a difference in how I live. For me when i say try I feel a hesitancy, when I do there is complete action with no question.
I am so sorry to hear about your family loss. Such hard stuff. Please take care of you.
Belong if you do all the working and have an income, do you ask yourself why you stay? Not telling you to leave at all. I know for some a lot is they don't have the finances to be able to do it.
Being married to an A is so hard. I know from so much experience to live my own life and if they A is part of it fine, if not ok.
But as I get stronger, and more secure in my life, the A fills a different place in it. It is ' not the traditional marriage. I put him in hps hands, take a day at a time, and hope I get to have some type of relationship with him.
Our regular marriage changed into what it is now. For me, "in sickness and in health" is very, very real. Not saying it is not real for others either. Some people can love someone else and let go of the A. I wish I could but hp has other plans for me.
And I am grateful for that too.
Alanons whole wish is for us to work on us to be independant of the pain that the disease causes. If we choose to stay with the A, it can help us to grow into the person we can' to be able to live with them.
Do what you need to for YOU. Take that step. Go to your sister, leave the house when you feel like it. Pay the bills and do what you have to, but if it were me, if the A is not providing, then stop enabling him.
He can take care of himself. Allow him to buy his own deoderant, pay his own golf bs.
wash his own cloths, he is not a baby, his disease is making him sicker and the disease is making you it's slave.
I am saying this as experience, not advice. I stopped cooking for A. The first time he fed his food to the dog, that was that. I stopped doing anything for him at all. I still refuse to do anything. He does not ask either. Never did though. He knew what made me stop.
I have a cool home, animals, a running pickup, a phone, satellite, food, feed, cloths, plants antiques, music, mail, faith, in other words, al anon showed me how to live on my own and not allow the disease to pull me down.
The A has nothing. I mean nothing. He lost everything. But hopefully he is putting one foot in front of the other and will make a new life for himself.
If we enable them, they won't fight the disease.
I hope you find a path of your own, and won't allow anyone to detour you from it.
keep coming here, you are doing great!!!! love,debilyn
