The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am wondering how many individuals here would consider themselves "dependent?" If you are not dependent now, have you ever been?
How do you cope? Alternatively, how did you cope?
Did you finally mature?
I have a great problem relying on others for my happiness, and I tend to choose partners who are unavailable, and expect them to love me... when they simply cannot.
The truth is, I will often stay in unfulfilling relationships in order to avoid being alone.
Has anyone here broke this cycle? If so, can you please share with me your journey? ie, from dependence to independence?
Thanks!
-- Edited by Not2bforgot10 on Sunday 30th of May 2010 07:33:05 PM
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"Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication" -Gail Devers.
I can definitely relate to be too dependent on other people. Last big one was my ex-girlfriend that I dated for three years. Sometimes it was really bad. Everything I did was in the back of my head "for her". If I was proud of myself for something, but she didn't take much notice, I would be devastated. My pride disappeared. It was as if I constantly needed her approval and my aim in life was to satisfy her.
With this came also big expectations of her making me happy. I think this is a pattern many of us will recognize. I can't say I am a fully grown independent person yet, since its only about a month ago she broke up and I entered Al-Anon.
I do however believe I'm on my way. I have started to see myself more like a worthy person that is worth taking care of. As well as writing a fears list and a gratitude list every night I always end with writing a "did well" list. Here I put down things I did during the day that made me feel a bit better or proud of myself.
One example from my list is "went running for 50 minutes". It was my ex-girlfriend that made me start with the running and while I dated her it was always about comparing results or saying how much I ran to impress her. Now I run for myself. I still feel good after having run for a day, and that without the need of her approval.
But as I said... I am not there yet. I have however seen enough changes in myself since I started in Al-Anon to believe in the programme, and that it is possible for me to detach myself. Hopefully I wont forget to love myself next time I am in a relationship.
Thanks for being here
Are
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
I definitely consider myself a "dependent" person. I am just coming to grips with the fact that all my life, starting with my dad, then my ex-wife, then a string of women, and now finally my recently ex-gf, that I relied solely on them for validation of myself and give me what I needed for my self-worth. I was an obsessive manipulator who got into phones, emails, Facebook accounts, diaries, follow them around town in my car, whatever I could to figure out what they were thinking/doing so I could figure out how to act towards them or control them.
How I coped is what I did above. The woman I was with HAD to treat me right at all times, otherwise I felt empty and worthless. In addition, I would become the "helper at all costs". Her problems were my problems to the nth degree. I played it off as being an "unselfish" person, but in reality, I was being selfish. Nothing came for free, and what I wanted in return was complete devotion to me and for the woman to give me validation that I was "her man", etc.
I'm just learning to cope with this. I've been going to a therapist, I am practicing "no contact" with my ex-gf (no phone calls, no hacking email, no driving by her house at night, etc.) to help me go through a withdrawl of sorts. This is the first time in my life I have actively chosen to be alone. I am taking a minimum 6 months to not have ANY type of physical or emotional connection with a woman. This will help me a) learn that I can be ok by myself b) I can learn to be ok with myself c) I can learn to love myself and not seek validation outside.
I'm learning it's ok to accept validation, unrequested. Right now, it's a minute by minute struggle to continue no contact. I'm keeping myself busy with friends and reading this board a few times a day to get advice from some of the people who have been through these battles for years. I have received so many good ideas, and am putting them in practice right now. For instance, mornings are the toughest for me. I usually don't sleep well, wake up at 5AM and then my brain starts taking off on thoughts of my ex-gf. People on this board have suggested things like planning out the morning the night before, knowing exactly what you are going to do and when, and then do it (like have my running clothes out and ready, breakfast all ready to eat/cook). Also I start my day by reading this board and posting something to get me thinking in that frame of mind. Serenity prayer and gratitude lists.
Being alone is tough for us. I lack the emotional skills to do that. But, day by day, I learn I've made it through, and I'm adding deposits to my emotional bank. In time, I'll have a healthy balance in their that will pay big dividends. I choose each morning to be ok with myself, and am learning to let go of the "illusion of control". I never really had control of any of the woman, and in reality, myself, so I'm learning to just let go of it. It's a struggle, but I'm doing what I can.
Nothing is out of reach for anyone. Time, effort, work, and support will get us there. I believe in a HP (Jesus Christ), and in the bible, the process of becoming something new is called "sanctification". It's a process of being slowly changed through tests of faith, believing in something greater then ourselves, and changing behaviors through making good choices.
Hang in there, I am, and others on this board are. You are not alone, your feelings are real and shared by many. Many have made it, you can too.
I have considered myself to be codependent. I looked up lots of lists defining codependent behaviors and really saw myself in those behaviors. At the same time, I found the lists overwhelming because they seemed like a giant list of faults. I kind of felt like I was in grammar school and a teacher was taking a big fat red pen and pointing out 100s of ways I was failing, you know? So, instead of staying so focused on the problem and all the ways I felt inadequate and helpless and alone, etc. I started focusing on the solution :). First and foremost, I realized I couldn't do this "recovery" thing by myself and so here's what I did:
1. I started Alanon Face 2 Face meetings. There are three a week in the town I live in and I go to all three. It was hard to walk in the door to the first meeting, but BOY am I glad I did. Having somewhere to go each week to break the isolation of the disease has been invaluable! I never have to be alone with my problems again! I just got a new sponsor and I am excited to work the 12 steps intensely with her.
2. Over time, I accumulated all of the literature and I use it, especially the readers. If I am feeling a particular feeling, let's say, fear, I look it up in the index and read the entries in every Alanon book I have. That alone comforts me and is often enough to get me back on track.
3. I started therapy. I have gone to 1-on-1 therapy for about 4 years and it will soon be coming to a close. It was so useful to have a safe space to talk every week.
4. I was in a therapy group, which was AMAZING in that it was focused on our relationships with the other members. In this group, I learned how to be emotionally honest and intimate with other people in a safe place.
Through these tools I have grown SO MUCH. I am in a new relationship and I can REALLY see the evidence of how much I have grown. My anxiety is 1000 times less than it was in my previous relations, for instance. I can accurately report what is going on with me and found someone who is supportive and loving and available and shows me by really wanting to hear me and be responsive to where I am at.
All this to say, there is HOPE. The changes were so gradual for me, but they did happen and now I feel like my life is a MIRACLE. Welcome to recovery! You can do it!!!
Thank you for your experiences. Yeah, face-to-face meetings definitely help! I will be looking for a new therapist soon... I'm seeking someone who fits this bill:
I am seeking a professional, male or female, specialized and experienced in treating codependency, issues of trauma/grief, and inner child healing.
I am seeking therapeutic support with my decision to transition from a life of dependency/codependency to a life of maturity, who I can do inner child healing with and address issues of past and recurrent grief/trauma.
I am a 26 year old identified lesbian. I am drug and alcohol-free and have no interest in partaking in either of these.
I am seeking a fully qualified professional who has, both, a lot of knowledge and experience.
I am interested in meeting once a week for longer periods for at least one year.
If you believe that there is a qualified therapist to address these issues, I would be interested in obtaining referrals. I have health insurance.
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"Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication" -Gail Devers.
I did not enter my marriage with the AH because of some needy reason. I was an independent woman all my life, the A at that time, (which is 26 years ago) was not needy either or dependent. He also was a very independent man. We both supported ourselves and had good jobs.
Of course as his disease progressed, it affected our relationship in negative ways. I have to say in those 26 years, I made a conscience effort to know at all times that it was my choice to stay with the AH. We had a great relationship in many ways, when he was sober. He was completely a different person when drinking. Just as the years progressed, he was less and less sober.
I made the choice to separate and divorce two years ago. We remain friends. I have no regrets, because of my choices. I could have left at any time. I also started Alanon many years ago. Did my program to my best ability. Im not saying I never suffered, I did, I always had hope that the XAH would get sober. Not until we parted, did he get sober. I am very happy for him. Im happy for myself too. So, I really dont know what Co-dependency is, dont know how long the word has exsisted. Dont believe in it. All I know is when the scales are too tipped in one direction that means there is no equality in the relationship.
I do know that relationships and marriage do require a certain expectation that we will be there for that person, a certain trust that we can count on that person. Its all about growing up and knowing that even those we love and who love us could and will dissapoint us. Co-dependency, what does that mean??? Every situation is unique and we cannot point and say you are in this list called co dependents, because somebody made a list of symptoms.
I say look out for yourself, take care of yourself, Don't be hard on yourself, get a job if possible, Take responsibility for your own life. Find your spirituality, strengths. take action, this is your life, don't waste it. Luv, Bettina
