The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to write because I am feeling really anxious right now. Tomorrow I am supposed to either take the train or rental car to Vermont (I am in Philly now living with my recent ex POA ("POA" is basically a past/present partner) and her father, paying a minimal amount of rent).
I will be staying in Vermont with an old friend, and then I will have all day Tue to myself and then two two job interviews --1 for 19 hours and another full-time 40 hours on Wed. I am really nervous... I am so nerve-racked right now that I cannot choose between the rail travel or the road. I have reservations for both and cannot make up my mind.
Anyway, the more stress/fret/worry I feel, the more I just want to crawl into a ball and put my head in-between my legs and just cry... I do not like things stressful or hectic, and when they get that way, I desire to go to what's safe. Is this normal?
I am experiencing a mixture between intense separation anxiety and fear/grief/worry about leaving Phila (and my recent POA) permanently. This week I am leaving for a short trip for job-related purposes... to secure work in Vermont, but "reality" (fear?) is setting in, and I know if I get offered this job, it's for real, and I am going to need to leave the POA and her family 2-3 weeks later.
I want to cry. My heart wants to drop.
I sit here, and I tell myself that I can turn back ANY minute on this decision to start my life anew in Vermont... I can stay in Philly and find (make) a home here... I would of course live on the outskirts, but at least I KNOW someone here (My POA). I am so afraid, sad, and scared to move far away (back to VT), where I know of no one, and I just keep scaring myself saying "It's cold out there... I am going to be 'cold,' literally and not 'have anyone;' there are 'memories' out there, ie: of my POA, and 2 other POA's," etc.
I literally cannot think; all I feel is... fear. I repeat to myself, "I can stay 'here' (in Philly) if necessary... I can find/get my own apt here," and "at least I KNOW someone..." ie, POA --and her family where I live now! ...Someone I have spent the last 2 years with and am 'familiar' with.
It's so bad that I am "over" the fact that we had tough times... she is in therapy now; granted, she needs to be so that she can get medication for her bipolar, npd/bpd/passive-aggression, and I am ready to work on myself, but I don't think we need to be apart? I mean... physically, yes.
As I said, I tend to entertain both ideas, ie: going to VT and staying in Philly, and I can get my own place here (in Philly) ...and at least I will know SOME one. It is large though, and I don't believe it can offer as high-quality of a life.
I hate that I just want to feel safe and secure... and that I believe that is obtained/effected by where I live and the kind of support I have in my life. Meaning, I need to feel safe where I am living, and I need social support... and I KNOW my POA. I have spent the last 2 years with her. Even if we are not "together" anymore, there's SAFETY in that... and I am terrified to let that go.
Do I NEED to? I want to live my life, but (I tell myself), maybe I can live it in Philly? Will it provide the best quality of life for me? Honestly, no. Will VT? Yes, much more. But is there fear? ...a cloud? Yes. Anxiety? Yes. Darkness? Yes. Simply put, FEAR.
I cannot emphasize the feelings of loneliness that come up when I think about leaving Erin (physically) and going back to Vermont... 8, NINE hours away... I remember when we were in VT together, and she went to visit her family, and how BAD I felt (not horrible, just uneasy... melancholy) when she was gone... I mean, I missed her... but to think I would be back living there by MYSELF and she won't be coming back?
I feel like I am throwing something GOOD away... and I am terribly afraid. Afraid of making a mistake. I am really struggling here. I am sad, lonely, and scared that I do not have "family" in VT, much less anywhere (that's another story) ...the closest thing to "family" I have is here... with the POA and a few acquaintances. I am devastated.
Am I avoiding grief? I don't know... I am anticipating it I think, and it's causing a lot of anxiety/fear/despair. I am about to start a new job (full-time) (assuming I get the job), and I am so afraid... because to be honest, I have not worked consistently in YEARS (since my dad died), and I have definitely never worked more than 40 hours...
I am afraid I will not be able to handle the harshness and severity of VT and its cold winters... Granted, I lived there for almost 4 years while in school, but I was depressed... and I didn't do a lot (likely due to my addiction), and most of all, I had someone THERE... I was WITH someone the entire time... never alone. Can I handle it?
...do I WANT to handle it? Do I want to deal with the cold, ice, and snow, without a partner there to comfort/reassure/love me? It just seems lonely... a dark, lonely existence... here might be lonely, too... but I think, "Well, there's the "shore" (NJ)," and it's warmer here... there are more people..."
But is all of this just an excuse to avoid facing myself and my own grief? Then I tell myself, "Well I can face myself alone HERE; I don't necessarily need to be in VERMONT to do it." I get mad at myself and say, "Why do I/have I decided I NEED to be in Vermont?" ie, am I trying to run away? (See, I don't trust my own judgment).
The truth is, I don't know what's best for me, and all I want right now is to be where it's warm and safe (familiar). I am so afraid...
-- Edited by Not2bforgot10 on Sunday 30th of May 2010 07:33:59 PM
-- Edited by Not2bforgot10 on Sunday 30th of May 2010 07:35:12 PM
-- Edited by Not2bforgot10 on Sunday 30th of May 2010 09:29:19 PM
-- Edited by Not2bforgot10 on Sunday 30th of May 2010 09:29:38 PM
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"Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication" -Gail Devers.
My gut (aka "inner child") only feels fear... she often cannot feel because she is afraid. She is afraid of growing up and taking responsibility.
I basically think it would be benefecial for me to talk with people on this forum, via this thread, about their experiences learning to love and nurture themselves.
ie, how did they/you "grow up?"
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"Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication" -Gail Devers.
I grew up because i got pregnant..lol..seriously. Having a little person grow inside of me put a lot of things in perspective for me. BUT even though i grew up i still wasn't dealing with my own junk until about 4 years ago. I had a rough childhood and never really dealt with it until i had a child of my own. I am still learning how to love myself. It is a huge process when you have to start later in life. There are still days when i don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. I'de probably be much further along in the process if i wasn't with an A who constantly makes me doubt myself. It is very helpful to me to learn about my A's disease because my father also had the same horrible baffling disease so i'm kind of killing two birds with one stone at times. Keep coming back here for support and get to some meetings if you can for more hands on support!
the more u stress/feel - sounds like u may be projecting into the future. It is alsways unknown to all of us. Learn to live in the NOW not the 'tomorrow'. Now we can take an action for ourselves. I just wanted to feel better and I became willing to try.
I pretended I was my new next best friend that I really wanted to get to know and love. I put me first and I took 1% from the love I gave to another (my mom) and put it into me -and my life changed. YOU can only control/change YOU. This is a Blessing. It may be scary but it is in your own hands - u can feel better and ur not alone here.
I take care of & love me by repeating the consequnces of my boundaries.
I get fear when I focus on the future. What we focus on grows - tomorrow is not reality - right now is. Right now u can change & empower yourself.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
