The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just amazing that my husband asked me if he "could get a little" before he left for a road trip. i told him a couple of days ago that yes, I was the one that called the Parole Officer on him because I was liable for any damage he caused since we were married and I didn't want anyone getting hurt. He then had to tell his boss that he had been using. His boss said that he had figured that. I am so pissed that his boss let him drive if he knew he was high. Why is everyone so afraid to confront the drug addict? His boss could lose everything b/c of it. Anyway, I had also told my a that I was going to leave him soon and I wanted a divorce. And he has the nerve to ask me for sex. He also woke me up last night to ask me what this peice of paper was. It was stuff that I had written about an apartment I was looking at. He was shocked that I was actually looking for another place to live! He's like "what is really going on?" Like he had no idea. Incredible! I asked him if he thought that just because he was clean for a few days(b/c his p.o. and his boss are on to him) that everything was all hunky dory. Did he just not believe me that I was tired of the bs? He says "you have always withheld from me like a game" I told him "no, it's about having a connection to be comfortable and intimate" He has no clue, NONE, NADA,ZERO, clue about a relationship. i truly think his brain has become mush after all these years of using. It's called trust and companionship and a mutual respect and communication and honesty and caring, etc. He says he's clean so that should make it all better! Sorry but he makes me sick sometimes. I feel like I never want to marry anyone ever again after this and I am definately sticking to my plan of going back to school, working and taking care of my babies. He can lead his life as he sees fit. I am not going to hope that he will stay clean this time and things will be good again. I have done this in the past and all it gets me is depressed when he falls again. So I'm taking care of me. thanks for letting me vent and thank you all for your posts.
I am relatively new to the board, but am amazed as I read each posting and see my life in the lives of others. My A and I have very little sex life left. I now will do just about anything to avoid it if he's drunk. I hate the smell of stale alcohol, the one that is in the bedroom the morning after he's been drinking. If he is using cocaine then he will be mad when I don't give in, but oh well, I have some dignity left and I plan to keep it. I too am making plans, I have some bills I must pay off, I am looking for a better job, I want to go back to school, (have wanted that for the past 5 years but there is always something else to do with that money) I keep thinking I am going to be a Nana this year and I don't want my grandkids around an A, they deserve better. I wish many times that when he gets clean for a couple days that it will stay that way but it doesn't. Hang in there, count your blessings, and realize how much support you have with whatever decision you make.
Taking care of you is definitely the best plan. I see so many people married to A's who get up the courage ot leave, yet, because they have done no work on themselves, end up in a relationship with another one. For me one of the first steps in this has been to come to realize that I deserve to be treated well, and I have the right to be myself. I'm working on saying "No" to things I don't want, and you know what? It gets easier.
Have I heard that a million times. I am a recovery A, almost 4 years but hubby is still very active. Sex, even the thought grosses me out when hes been drinking. Gross.
Anyway - WELL DONE - you look after you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to warn you to be CAREFUL, try not to tip your hand to your husband about your plans.
Being an alcoholic is bad enough, but a drug addict too...that is some dangerous combination.
If I were you I would make sure to keep all of my plans a secret from an out of control addict. I would not tell him that I wanted a divorce until I was SAFELY in my own place. I would procure a place, then as soon as I had moved in (you are fortunate that he is gone for days on his job, you have a chance to really move out your stuff) I would see a lawyer and file, let your lawyer tell him in the form of serving him with divorce papers. If you really mean business and are really fed up, then just move on...without trying to to throw it up in his face, which I can't emphasize enough how dangerous that is to do with an addict.
Talk is cheap and often just enough to get an addict riled up to the point that they are out of control with rage.
When I left my addict alcoholic first husband (also a truck driver) I had a plan I was hatching for MONTHS and he never knew. I never left anything out for him to find. I just put the plan into place once I was sure he was gone. I called my brother and my friends and we packed up three cars (mine, brothers, and friends) and off we went...to another state...
I did not have to tell him it was over and I was done...um...he figured it out when he came home and found all of my clothes and the baby gone...
I did not let him know my plans as the intent was NOT to scare him, upset him, or "make him sorry" or punish him by letting him know he was losing me. It was about ME getting away from his abuse to a better life, for me and my daughter.
Many times I know women tip their hand to men trying to show them that they "mean business" hoping that will shock their husbands into changine or going into therapy.
I always thought that addicts were too dangerous to play mind games with...I just left...the safest way I knew how...that is why I am still alive...
Way to take care of you! Mean what you say, say what you mean and don't say it mean. No is a complete sentence. It sounds like you are thinking very clearly and have searched your heart for your answers. Know that you did the right thing for you and give yourself a great big pat on the back and a hug. cdb :)
"I always thought that addicts were too dangerous to play mind games with"
One of the things I am learning in alanon is not to play mind games with anyone, addict or not. All the times I used to try to manipulate, shock or guilt others into doing what I wanted, it would usually blow up in my face anyway.
