The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I saw the lawyer today that my sister who just graduated law school recommended.
I spent about 15 minutes with him @$425 an hour and then he turned me over to an associate @$325 an hour.
I am filing for divorce under mental cruelty with a subcomponent of habitul drunkeness.
The lawyer took me through our finances (I haven't much of a clue as my A kept control of all money but gave him some bank names)
Then he took me through the problems with my marriage.
here is the stuff I put in the box on the high shelf out of sight and reach.
How my A used to try wake me up at night by putting the lights on and making noise (I was up to 4 sleeping pills before I left)
How when I had my car he would take the keys from me. I ended up making many sets of keys and hiding them everywhere. Then he would incapacitate the car
How when I had to go to Mexico for a month on business he took my wallet and company cell phone and I had to make the trip with my co-workers credit card
How when I enforced the not buying him booze boundary he went after me and I fled quick to the bathroom and locked the door. Then he hit the wall hard and broke the nice picture.
How I did not have a car for over a year because he said that I did not make enough money to afford a vehicle.
Painful stuff.
I told him about the 24/7 drinking and the verbal and emotional abuse.
I told him about finding Dan walking on the highway.
I gave him a $3500 retainer and signed a paper to pay unimaginable fees that they will charge, not even an estimate like a car shop
I guess I can wait to cry until tonight when I get home.
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I am so proud of you for staying strong through all of this. I keep you inside my head as an example of how to fight for myself and my children. You gave me inspiration to leave, too. Even though I've done it before, this time I will make it permanent by getting a divorce. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that painful stuff, but I am happy that you finally put an end to it. You are one brave person and should reward yourself for that. You did it!! And you just go ahead and cry, get it out, and keep on going. I believe that you will be fine, more than fine. You will find happiness and peace. Just remember you are worth it.
You are a special person. You are worth it. You are a kind, nice, sweet, smart person. You will get though this. You are strong person and you are going to make it thru this time. I am so proud of all the things you are done for your self. Don't forget that.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Yes, I always thought a lawyer would tell me the facts and figures. ( I needed alanon to help me with the emotions and strength to hold my head up first ! )
Anyway, Peace, Serenity, and Safety may be worth the price tag! Prayers are with you. I admire your courage and strength.
I know how hard it is to go see the lawyer and say "I want a divorce"
I know how hard it is to write a $5000 retainer check when I don't have enough to pay the bills. Actually, I put it on a credit card. It's damn hard and sad--but liberating at the same time.
But most of all, I know that we both wish it had turned out differently.
Thanks so muich for posting how it went today ... I was praying it wouldn't be too horrible
Please allow me to add my bursting pride in your strength and my thanks to you for being SUCH a HUGE power of example of this program and God in action
I found the un-earthing the facts very hard too
personally , I am glad you are doing this * on grounds* ... and I am glad the atty wants to do it that way
I am ALSO glad he passed you over to the less expensive associate , as , in my case it is the associates who actually DO the work ...and that strikes me as a fair and honest move on thier part
please be careful if they strongly suggest or worse , *demand* that you take out a "no contact restraining order on your hubby" This was done in my case
The lawyer said it would butress my case , and quite frankly ... she never even mentioned it in court and my ex and I agree it was a ploy the lawyers used to force us to communicate through them and increase * billable hours*
I honestly felt that there were many things that my ex and i could have worked out on our own if we had been "allowed " to comminucate ... this order increased his animosity and deepened his anger and resolve to screw me over
soo ...just mentioning it , not to tell you what to do but to give you a head's up
as for the money... I can relate ... i had to borrow $5k for a retainer .. thats all the divorce was supposed to cost me ...
my ex would NOT co- operate ... forced into court about 6 times ... was being bankrolled by wealthy brother ....
i would simply be wary of toooo many hours
also ...my ex forced ME to explain where ALL of our $$$ had gone for TEN YRS yep
10
i was sent an * interogatory* ( i can send ya a copy if ya like) and i was FORCED to dig thru and drudge up every cent spent
it damned near killed me , it was so hard HE was trying to prove that i had wasted marital assets ( I hadnt )
so for you ... your atty can send an interogative to HIM to force him to divulge where every cent has gone
this is legal
my atty should have said " she is too ill to do this , we are NOT doin it .. let a JUDGE ask for it" but she DIDNT and why not ? BILLABLE HOURS
ok i have said too much
and you have had a long day
maybe file these tips away for future reference
if i can spare YOU one bit of angst in this process that i went thru ... i will glady do it
Well Megs, You've managed it!!! Good for you!! You know I'm in the same position as you at the moment and listening to you just gives me more courage. Nothing changes if we don't make changes - right? Anyway girl, I'm right by your side and the changes you've made, in just a year, to have a more fulfilling life is just great!! Like you, I'm going to have a large bill too although the lawyer will get it when my house is sold (from the proceeds) so at least I don't have to pay up front!! I don't have the money anyway so that arrangement is useful. Keep strong.
Yes it was very hard and sad to go in to get a divorce. I sure can relate.
I wanted to wait until August to go to the lawyer because that is when I would have the money saved.
Instead, after I found my husband wandering on the highway last week I knew he was far gone and I needed to protect myself from whatever he might be doing
So I used the checks from the credit card company. They send them to me a lot and now I used them. And then pay them off in August
Hi Fiona
Thank you for your pride in me it really helps to hear it
I am doing this on grounds so that I don’t have to wait the 18 months
I have taken your experiences and copied them to word and filed them for reference.
The lawyers gave me some spreadsheets to fill out about my pay and my expenses and I will work on them tomorrow morning while I wait for my sofas to be delivered
I would like the interrogative please
Thanks for giving me so much help with the process
Hi Graom
Thank you so much for your support.
Yes I made it to the lawyer – big step to do, a long time coming, but I am ready
The lawyer will freeze my husbands accounts. He has dais if I went after the money he would hide it.
This kind of motion costs more but the lawyer thinks it needs to be done
To all thanks so much for your support.
I thought to come home tonight and cry but instead I went for an extra long bike ride.
When I checked my mail, there was a care package from my younger sister in Texas. She sent me a longhorn cow magnet, a straw cowboy hat and a horsehoe with texas luck on it.
What the perfect day to get an unexpected present….
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I prayed for you the past few days -- that whatever happened, you would be alright. It must feel good (after the pain and tears) to express all that has been bottled up inside of you. Feel free to share with me when you need.
Keep coming :)
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I am praying very very hard for things to go as smoothly as possible in this very difficult time for you.
I think you are doing the right thing to try and get your fair share before he successfully hides it or blows it all on whatever.
I know how difficult and horrible a divorce can be with someone vindictive. Just remember that there are a lot of people here who love and care for you and who are pulling for you every step of the way. We are always here for you if you need a hug, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, we will do what we can to give you all of these things through this virtual world, but remember that the warm feelings we have for you are very real.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I know this time is mixed with a feeling of accomplishment for youself as well as sadness for the situation. I to am proud of your steps forward into the life of serenity for yourself. You have been an inspiration to many on this board with your wonderful posts. I see with each one such great progress.
Although the expense seems daunting at this moment - remember that it is only a temporary situation. You have what you need and HP will provide the rest when you need it and not before.
Walking through these painful situations is so difficult. But as my sponsor has told me - if I am willing to take the journey of life - there is going to be pain along the way. If I take the road around it - I will not know growth - for I am only repeating the mistakes of the past. However, if I take the time to walk through the pain - the outcome on the other side will be far better than I can imagine. I will also learn to appreciate myself and the situation all the more because I had the courage. She also reminds me that I dont have to do it alone. I can take my HP with me.
Congrats on your accomplishment.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Thank you all for your kindness your hugs and your prayers. They sure do help.
I notified my family that I will be divorced and posted the reasons as above as these reasons will be in the public record of my divorce.
This is alanon convention weekend here in New Jersey. I am going with my friend to the conference tomorrow and a full day of alanon comes at just the right time.
Growth from the pain, good, I have expereinced some good growth this past year on this board and face to face and would like to continue the process.
So if it is pain that I need then bring it on!
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
So sorry I didn't read this sooner. I have been in my own crisis with my daughter's slip. Those lawyers sure know how to sock it to you don't they? But like someone said, this is temporary as far as the lawyer thing. I will continue to say prayers for you my friend. Serenity and happiness are so close in your reach! The kind that you will have everyday. I am proud of you too. You are working your program and so very courageous! Your friend in recovery, cdb :)
