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Hello Friends, My name is Dustin. I am very new. In fact this is my first time even researching my issue. I was sent here by my aunt because she thought this would help. I belive my dad is an alcoholic and uses me. My dad hasn't had a job for months. And, this is not the first time he has mooched off of me. I am convinced that my dad will not get a job and live his life unless I push him. Plus I believe he is an alcoholic though he adamantly disagrees.My story is long. Too long to put everything in this post but suffice it to say my dad has been depending on me off and on for years and his new gig is drinking 1-1.5Liter of alcohol per day (which I pay for) while smoking 2-4 packs of cigs a day (which I pay for) while sitting on my back porch for >3 months now (EVRERYDAY). I have even gone so far as to try to talk to people to get him a job( his last two jobs I got for him) which he calmly stated he would check into but somehow never does. I am very angry because on the one hand I feel like if I don't help him I will be branded a bad, inconsiderate, irresponsible son. I feel like I owe it to him. On the other hand, I am beginning to recognize that this problem my dad has about not wanting to work and get his own life is consuming my life. I am a 31 year old travel nurse and right now I live on Sapphire beach On St. Thomas. I do well financially but not well enough to support two grown men. My aunt says I am enableing him. I tend to agree. I am to the point of recognizing that I need help With this. I would really like any input anyone might share. Also, I have read about the 12 step programs. My problem is that I am atheist. I do not recognize a higher power. does this preclude me from getting help with this?
the only requirement for membership is that thier be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend , and no being an athiest is not a problem u can stay wether u believe in a higher power or not . I did . As long as your buying the alcohol and the cigarettes there is no reason for him to look for work , your doing for him what he should and could be doing for himself . I do not know if there is al anon in your area but I suspect thier might be , call AA or treatment centres they may be able to direct u to a meeting . In the meantime we have 2 meetings daily on this site in the chat room that will help until u find a meeting , 9am and pm daily eastern time and the chat room is open 24-7 . welcome to MIP Louise
You can be an atheist and be in this program, lots of people are. One of my sponsors said a doorknob can be your higher power, just think of it that way. One of my sponsors was an atheist and it was no problem at alll, she likened it to the sun's effect on a piece of grass or something...I don't know but she made it work for her. You do need support and there is support here but also in face to face meetings. Being a health practitioner yourself, you can appreciate and understand how a program works as long as you stick with it- try some meetings. I found great ones all over the world when I used to travel a lot- or go to the al-anon website and get yourself some literature or books. I know some of the old fashioned language can be off-putting but work a little to translate, use your skills to adjust it all to suit you and you will be good to go. Good luck and keep coming back here and reading the posts. You will see that the most loving and kindest things you can do for anyone especially him is to get your own life back. hugs, J.
I agree with ur aunt, u are enabling him. I am acoa too (adult child of addict/alcoholic) and we do feel responsible for our parents, bc that is the codependent behavior we learned at home. Enabling is dooing anything for someone else that they can do themselves... get his own booze, get his own cigarettes, get his own job. He can do these things, himself, he is an adult and YOUr dad, u cannot rescue him.
If u allow an A to use and u are giving it all to them, why should they ever change? You are making it so easy and convenient for him, already.
You have to detach with love from his feelings, issues, mood, whims, attitude. He is not incapable. When we make it easy, they continue to manipulate us and soon all of our focus is on them and we have lost ourselves. You can only control and change you, not your dad.
I tried to "help" my mom with her marriage for 25 years. She didnt want to change and still hasn't. I accept where she is. I no longer judge her. It is her life and she has to make her own choices. We have choices too, we can choose not to participate in the manipulation.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It sounds as though Al-Anon would be a good place for you. The fact that your dad says he's not an alcoholic is typical -- I haven't ever heard of one who cheerfully admitted he was an alcoholic. The bottom line is that if his drinking is causing a problem for you, then there's a problem. I know sometimes we worry that we're blowing their problems out of proportion and we should really be more accepting. What I've observed is that families of alcoholics get so used to the insanity that they have trouble distinguishing normal drinking from alcoholism. The hallmark of normal drinking is that it does not cause any problems. It is not constant and it doesn't bother anyone. By the time someone comes to Al-Anon, it has typically gone far, far beyond that. It sounds as if that is the case in your situation.
I don't think you need to worry about the Higher Power thing. I am an atheist myself and I have found life-saving help at Al-Anon. Some people consider the group their Higher Power -- a force that has their best interest at heart, that has a wider and deeper view than any single person has, and that will always be there for support. Some people consider "God" as "Good Orderly Direction": the sense that we all have deep within us of what's healthy and good for us and others. For instance, even though your dad is trying to convince you that his drinking is normal and that you ought to go on just the same, you have a sense that things are out of whack and that he's harming himself, and that you're tangled up in it all and that's not healthy. How do you know that despite everything your dad is telling you? I'd say it's your sense of Good Orderly Direction. Our brains are wired for emotional health, and when things go wrong, we know something's wrong and we know we have to make changes. It doesn't matter whether a big man up in the sky wired our brains that way, or whether they just developed that way, or how it happened: the point is that that sense is there for you. As is Al-Anon.
There is so much to be learned about alcoholism and serenity. It can't all be learned in one day. And a lot of it is practicing until you feel it, instead of just knowing it with your head. So do keep coming back. Read all the threads on the boards, and the Al-Anon literature. You may find the book "Getting Them Sober" by Tody Rice Drew very helpful. A lot of us start out with that.
Aloha Dustin You've got more reasons to get help than justifications not to. In helping yourself you will also help your alcoholic though he might not agree with or like your method. You can use the groups MIP or Al-Anon as your higher power and consider that the people here and in the program of Al-Anon have more experience, Strength and Hope than you do at this point. That you are Atheist might only be a deterrent because of your fear. For now use the group and the program and jump in with both feet. You describe the picture well and it qualifies you to be here and in the Al-Anon Family Group. There is so much to know and learn that will free you from the insanity you are caught up in now so don't hesitate. "If you keep and open mind you will find help". (from the closing statement of the open meetings...sooooo open up your mind, present no defense to what is going to be shared with you and suggested, look it all over; take what you like...leave the rest and find the open meetings in your area. Go as quickly as you are able; get as much literature as you can and read it all; sit down and listen and learn and practice, practice, practice. More is coming cause it takes work to create a miracle and you are becoming one.
Your Dad don't know and don't know that he don't know. He just gets to deny and put his hand out and has his expectations fulfilled by his enabler. You can end it at anytime without fear and guilt and shame. Those feelings are not realistic.
Keep coming back....Glad your Aunt knew the address. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 19th of April 2010 04:29:05 PM
