The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok...I'm here, in this relationship. Same as many of you. I choose, for now, to stay. I'm tired of whining about how rotten my life is, and do something about it. Here's the question...HOW DO YOU OPEN YOUR HEART?
I have this feeling that the bitterness I feel right now will eat my heart out. I've released the relationship to my HP, and that feels really good. Obviously, since I choose to stay, I need to start remembering why...all the good things about my A, that I'm not seeing right now.
Do y'all have any helpful hints on how to start feeling that buried love again? I've been doing "heart opening" asanas in my yoga, and I've been praying that I can step over this roadblock I feel.
He's not drinking, maybe some days he's even trying to build the relationship, but I've been hurt so many times that I have this protective shell around my heart.
I don't want to go home, and I don't want touched. But, this is no way to live...there should be joy with or without him. Right now, my joy is just without him. Can't wait for him to leave for work, and wish he had more hobbies to get him out of the house (or more work).
I thought about a short weekend trip, but he golfs on Sun...and I work on Sat, and money's short. I just really need to reconnect or disconnect, I guess.
The reason I'm with him is because of the good years, and I'm ready to do my part to see if they can return (with him). I don't know if I've gone too far down the path alone to join him again, but I need to try.
I'm so scared of being hurt further, so I guess this is where the courage comes in. I'm not going to end the relationship without trying to regain it as it used to be, but I'm not the person I used to be either.
Maybe the underlying cause of my "closed heart" is that he's quit drinking before for 10 years. They were good years, and I relaxed and had a life, without worrying about every word I said or my actions, or how low cut my shirt was. Now, he's sober 15 months...does that mean he has 8 1/2 years til he figures he can handle a few beers again. Good grief, I'll be almost 60 then! No matter the age, I can take care of myself alone...right now it's just hard to take care of myself with him.
Sometimes, when I start to post, my problems seem so minor, when I see what others go through. I hate to whine to all of you, but your input puts me back on the "sanity path" some days.
my sponsor once said to me if the problem is important to you it is important.We all have different stories but the same story of pain.Pain is pain.Since I am divorced I will not give you any advice on romance or marriage ha..all that comes to mind is baby steps
"The greatest joy, the wildest woe...is love." I have this threadbare, tattered nightshirt with that saying on it (repeated over and over in a heart pattern with little flowers), I haven't thrown it out because it was my favorite shirt as soon as I layed eyes on it. Its message so simple and so true.
I look back at how I have acted at times. I was not always acting like a lovable person... but people still loved me. I screamed and raged, I struck out at others... and still people loved me. I've broken my mother's heart several times.... and still my mother loves me. I am just a very imperfect human being, trying to change myself into a better person, a serene loving person, and I have had many a doozy of a slip along the way.... but still people love me.
If others can see past my flaws, my mistakes, and still love me .... how can I deny them the same back?
How did I find my love for my A again? By looking at myself. By seeing some of the same things within myself, by understanding thru our program here about this disease, by knowing how very hard it is for me to change myself and acknowledging I'm not the only one struggling either. By replacing thoughts of the ugly times with the remembrance of the wonderful loving times. By taking the chance to reach out again to hug him with love in my eyes. (And to keep reaching out even when he was still "brushing my hug off" until finally he hugged back too.)
Resentments are acid...poison....in our soul. They only ever have hurt me. Whenever I feel them, I have to stop and look within myself and ask myself why I am reacting the way I am. I have to tell myself right then to let go of the past and look at today instead. I find this works with everyone in my life, and helps me to find some caring for anyone I need to interact with.
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I so understand what you mean about trying to open your heart. Some days it's all I can do to even grunt him an answer let alone have a conversation. It seems like the more he tries the more I'm annoyed. The only time my a leaves the house os for work or golf on the weekends. He goes golfing soooo early I hardly get up before he gets home! I never get to be alone in my home. It drives me crazy! Maybe a bigger house would help! It's hard to open our hearts when they've been broken so many times :(
My a was sober 6 months and I still divorced him. He had quit before and relapsed because he quit to save the marriage. I was afraid of being hurt again and of the relationship being too far gone.
We work separate shifts and so it was easy to not see much of each other. But when it came time for me to move, I couldn't do it. He had always wanted to stay married, said he loved me, etc.
I remember telling God, "I hope you really meant it when you said Love Bears All Things". I did a lot of praying. I decided I could not project and worry about whether he might start drinking again.
We got remmarried Feb. 14th, 2004. We needed to get a copy of some paperwork at court and the clerk didn't charge us the fee, as she was happy for us..
Sobriety doesn't make everything perfect. And I still carry myself wherever I go and need alanon. I also carry scars from growing up acoa.
I remember some one describing her father and saying he was an alcoholic, but that didn't make her love him any less.
Dori, Kis, Melanie, Whitie...thank you for your input.
I've prayed so hard to just let it go, and let it be, and I'm studying about letting the past go, and not having expectations about the outcome of the relationship. In other words, just trying to be in the present, and take those baby steps.
I've been doing good about not reacting, tho it's been a wierd week. My A has only worked away from home 1 day, and has hired somebody to do his work at home 2 days...yesterday he didn't feel like working anywhere, and today he's golfing. Yesterday, he dug up all his hoarded coins, cashed a birthday check, and sold some guns...trying to get money to soup up his car. All week, I've been trying to figure out how to pay the taxes, the credit cards, and the vehicle payments!!!! It was pure help from above that I didn't tear my hair out hearing him say he was still $400 - $500 short. But, I had given that problem up to my HP, and refused to worry. I pray we have no credit rating, so he can't charge something else!!! Then, late in the evening, after I refrained for 8 hours from complaining, he said, "Well, I don't have enough money still, so why don't you deposit what I've accumulated and pay some of the bills." I'll fix the car later, when there's more money.
You couldv'e knocked me over with a feather...such is the power of my HP...to answer my prayers in such a way...I felt that was my "gift" for not reacting to a situation that could have caused a major argument.
So...now it is my goal to put this problem into His hands, and give up the outcome. If there's no love left to come out of my heart, then I'll move on, and if it's meant to be that I just drift from day to day for awhile, all I ask if that I learn something from this lesson.
Kis...I'm searching in me for the answer. I try to be gentle with myself, when possible. "The greatest woe"...could describe it well. We've always had a passionate relationship, mental and physical, and if it returns that's great, but I'm really letting go of the outcome, and now I'm going to try to treat him as I would wish to be treated. If that comes back to me, great, and if it don't then I've worked on myself!
