Dating a Recovering Alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

gmcnamara · Newbie

Dating a Recovering Alcoholic

dori · Senior Member

run and do not look back

jo4 · Veteran Member

dori...

that's not fair. this is someone's first time on this message board and not a nice first impression. think it, don't say it. ;)

to newcomer.......

yes, alanon is for you is you are dating a recovering alcoholic and/or have alcoholics in your life.

we have 12 step meetings, like AA. you can go to face to face meetings or online meetings here at www.12stepforums.net

keep coming back, and pick up some alanon literature at the meeting. open AA meetings are also very helpful in understanding the disease.

jo

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Ordinarily I might agree with dori, albeit in other words. But you seem to have your thoughts in line with reality, and you show an intelligence that is required to successfully deal with your situation. Yes, I believe AlAnon could be of benefit to you in helping you along the 12 steps and teaching you how do deal with his recovery and your serenity. You must keep in mind that in AlAnon you are going to meet people who are dealing with addiction on all levels, and some of their stories may astound you, fill you with tears, or fill you with joy. You did not say how long your friend has been sober, and I would wonder. You are wise to take this relationship slowly and allow it to develop in the fullness of its own time. My very best wishes to you. Come back and visit often. With caring,

..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.·´ ..·´¨¨))
((¸¸.·´ ...·´ Diva-:¦:-
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

If your sister is a recovering A, and you find comfort at AA meetings, then alanon is definietly for you. The skills and lessons we learn about ourselves here could be useful to anyone, anyway, even if they have no A's in their lives.
Alcoholism being in part a genetic disease, means that many of us who have family members with the disease, are suffering from some aspect of it in our own lives. By this I mean - your ssiter did not become an A out of the blue sky - ther may be issues in your family of origin that you would find alanon helpful in dealing with.
If you can find a meeting in your town, check it out. They will have lots of alanon literature for you to look at.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, sounds like you are a self actualized woman!! That is so wonderful.

Well first I want to say after my being in love with my A for way over 30 years now, my
darling daughter is in love with one.

So I have had to learn to be very careful in how I put things.

You are doing the very best thing for you and your new friend, coming to al-anon for
the skills to be with an A, and get the facts.

I want to tell you, even if you and your A do not end up together, everything you
learn in al-anon, will enrich your life.

The disease of alcoholism, and/or being an addict is a disease that does not go away.

There is no cure. They can be in recovery one day, the next relapse and be right back
where they left it. Believe me, they don't know what will happen from one day to the next.

But the best chance they have at a life with as little upheavals as possible, is following
a program of recovery thru AA.

I finally learned the reality is, they will relapse, they will stop once in awhile, they may
be in recovery for a long time or a week or whatever.

They, as we, learn to live one day at a time. My husband would get up, go to his shop
and listen to his radio and talk to his hp. He would say, today I choose not to use.

Sadly mine had a medical relapse after years of sobriety. He is brain damaged and using
everything he can get his hands on.

Ya see if they need surgery, the second they get the pain med. they relapse. So not
only do they have the day to day working on not using and sticking to their program,
any number of things can sabotage them.

Just like any other disease, there are symptoms. As the disease progresses the
symptoms become more and more apparent. Then in the final stages of alcoholism
they have to drink. This is when if they don't drink, they go into detoxing and can die.

So they must get help to stop, or someone needs to help them to get help.

I relate to you, my a was sober for years when we finally got married. I never
realized the seriousness of being an A. Him relapsing and finally leaving the home, is when
I got online and found this place many years ago.

Have gone thru so many stages, but can remember where you are. I wish I had known
what i know now. If I did, yes I would have married him, having the skills I now have.

My A and I saw each other for a few years, got married and were two peas in a pod.

We were in our late fourties and so in love. I had been in love with him since I was 17.

But it took him until he got sober to realize how much he was in love with me.

I tell ya girl, it was like he died when he relapsed. He is no way the same person. I used
to get glimpses of him, but he is so close to death now that he is not him at all.

This is my experience. But it is a disease and the symptoms are basically the same fo

for every A.

As I read the posts and chat and go to meetings here, I see the symptoms of the ones who
love A's are the same too.

I want to interject here, that Dori's outburst, I cannot answer for her personally, but
sometimes we go thru stages of so much pain, we may let out our own stuff instead
of sharing our own experiences.

It can be horribly painful to love an A, frustrating, scarey and more. But A's need love
too. Also just becuz one is A does no mean they will be as mean or irrisponsible as
another A. Example for me is my A first husband who was killed in an accident,(he
was a drunk pedestrian) was a laughing, happy southern boy.He had a good found
ation.He never yelled or was mean, just a fun drunk. Had he lived, well.....

But my now husband was horribly abused by his father A as was his whole family, so
he was already terribly damage before his disease added so much to his pain.

Well I don't know if I even said anything!! lol

Just so glad you are here. I should say though, knowing what i do, IF my kids were home
there is NO way I would have married him knowing what i do now.

Please keep coming back.

love,debilyn

sanddie · Senior Member

Your post sounds like the 3-year relationship that I ended this past January. I was also about 8 years older than my ex-boyfriend, who is the alcoholic and from the beginning it was so spiritual and until today, I can look back and STILL say it was and continues to be so spiritual because as much as it became painful to have to let go of this man I love so much due to the lifestyle he prefered differing from the lifestyle I prefer. (That's the way I like to describe it because ultimately it is true. If an alcoholic wants to drink and live his life that way, then perhaps it is right for him. However, I had to figure out if I wanted to live that same life and I didn't) Anyway, I just would like to say this--- Everyone is different and only we know what is right for us. I must say that I've been married before and been involved in other relationships and even though the others weren't alcoholics, I NEVER loved them as I did my ex-boyfriend, who is and probably always will be an alcoholic because it is the lifestyle he and his family choose to live.

The pain of ending the relationship was excrutiating and I believe I cried for two months straight, while I lay trying to sleep, and just about every waking moment when not at work or with my kids around. I had to be strong for those situations, but the moment I was driving my hour and a half home from work or to work in the morning, the tears began to flow and my heart felt like it would explode from the pain I felt in having to let go of him.

I emphasis the pain because what I want to say this.... No matter the amount of pain I experienced in this relationship, I will NEVER regret it. Matter of fact, I thank God for bringing this man into my life for awhile because I learned how to love so deeply. Unfortunately, I learned how to hurt so deeply too, BUT... it brought me closer to God and learn to appreciate others for who they are. In turn, that is why I let him go--- so that he can be the person he wanted to be and not the person I felt he should be.

Do what is right for YOU, nobody else. We all have experiences and lessons to learn in our life and nobody can tell you what it is that you need to go through and learn. Nobody knows also if this person will continue to drink as typically stereotype alcoholics do OR if he will turn himself around. With God ANYTHING is possible.... so it's not about him, as much as it is about what you need and knowing that you can be strong enough to deal with the ups and downs of the emotions that come with codependent relationships.

Had I not already been through so much abuse in my life that wore me down, I believe I would have stayed by his side.... However, I hadn't the strength already from so much difficulty from my past that I needed to let him be with someone who had more strength than I, as difficult and as painful as it was for me. :(

Take Care!

-- Edited by sanddie at 23:06, 2005-07-12

dori · Senior Member

hi

incase you didnt understand or was offended by my post . i wanted to make maneds and yes you are at the right place in alanon .it is not easy to date a achcholic and i wish you the best keep comeing back to alanon and there you will get support and strength to do what ever you chose for you.

jo4 · Veteran Member

((((((((((((((((((((((((((dori)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you are awesome :)

jo

gmcnamara · Newbie

To all of you THANKS SO MUCH!!!! Even you , Dori! LOL! I was not offended by your comments. I know all of you speak from experiences that I have never encountered.

I will be attending my first Al Anon meeting tonite, going by myself, havent shared this with anyone yet, not even sis or my A BF. I want this for me more than anything else.

I am touched by your thoughts and saddened by some of your experiences. I have shared with BF about my skepticism of the future and what could go wrong. As I have restled with should I or shouldnt I go forward with this, but I keep coming back to I should. He listens and understands my desire to go very slowly.

I feel so much better about my desire to go forth with Al Anon. I need and want this for me! I think I said this already. Thanks everyone and I WILL be back to share!

Love,

G

cabecka · Veteran Member

gmcnamera-

I can relate somewhat to your situation. two years ago, i started dating a man who was a recovering alcoholic. he had been sober for 7 years at the time. i would like to share with you a lesson that i have learned through alanon- i have found it to be a very valuable lesson that i can apply to my entire life.

like you, i have a good head on my shoulders. i was aware of his history with addiction at the time we started dating and we were very open about it. i had shared with him my deepest fears about what might happen and how it would effect us both. needless to say, about 3 months after we started dating, he began drinking heavily again. unfortunately, i didn't recognize the signs. he would hide it from me, only drink when he was away from me, and he would call when he was drunk. even though i knew something was wrong, i didn't want to admit that i knew what the problem was. it went on for months, he finally came out and admitted to me that he had been drinking and he was going to stop. he started going to meetings again, but remarkably, would attend them when he was drunk. we split up, and got back together 2 weeks later after he had detoxed again. it was a revolving cycle. (that's not the lesson, please bear with me..)

what i learned is that i had to live in each day, each moment, instead of becoming obsessed with the 'what if's' and 'might have beens'. i set boundaries, i went to meetings, i did my reading, but i was constantly faced with this nagging need to look back or forward rather than dealing with the situation at hand at that moment in time.

i stayed with my A as long as i did because i have known many people throughout my life who are recovering addicts and live healthy, normal lives. i knew this could be possible for him as well. i knew better than to write him off because of the disease that he deals with on a daily basis, whether he drinks or not. someone said to me the very first time i attended an online meeting that 'moving on doesn't have to mean moving out'. i still think of those words often, as i know that they apply to many things.

my relationship did not work out. we split up for good after 18 months. it wasn't the right time or place for either of us. he has way too much to deal with (in addition to his addiction) to become a healthy person who is capable of a healthy relationship, and i was not happy with becoming a pawn in his game. deep down, he was not happy with making me a pawn either. i do know, however, that it is possible for your relationship to be successful, with the right tools and the right mindframe. just remember, one day, one hour, one moment at a time.. trust your instincts- if you have a hunch that something is wrong, address it, don't deny it.

i wish you all the best.

Cara ("cabecka")

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.