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I am so very frustrated right now both with myself and my a. I can't seem to stop reacting to him or setting myself up for rejection. It's mostly because sometimes he suprises me and does something I'm sure he won't but most of the time he doesn't so why do I keep expecting him to want to be a part of the family.
I understand that he has a choice of what he wants to do with his day just like I do. It would be nice if he would just choose to do what we are doing but I realize that right now anyway that isn't what he chooses. I just get so angry when he lies or is underhanded. For example yesterday my parents wanted us to come out to their house to swim, my dad asked him if he was going and he said, "I don't know I will have to see whats going on?" then after they left our house he tells me he doesn't feel like going, fine than say that to my dad. I hate going somewhere where everyone expects to see him and getting asked "Where Joey??" Especially when I am now angry that he put me in that spot.
Anyway it was a very rocky weekend and after that I told him I felt like maybe he didn't want to be a part of the family and that he needed to look for a place to go if this was the way he expected me to live. Ok maybe I over-reacted just a bit, lol, but it makes me angry that he needs to lie about every little thing. He knew he didn't want to go so just say so.
My A does the same thing. I so want him to choose me to do things with. It seems the alcohol and his friends are way more fun then I am. I have just started to do things for me. I hate trying to explain to other people where he is. When he does attend things with me everyone can sense the tension between us.
There are times when we are together and we have a wonderful time. I so miss that part of our relationship. I also question "why" alot. The why can he commit to his friends for golfing etc. but can't commit to dinner and a movie with me.
I have started making plans to take some classes at the community college and to find a better job. I have started to let go with love. I received a book from my mother in-law last year, "Co-dependent No More" I have not finished yet, as it is an emotional journey, but it helps, also have purchased a daily meditation book, that seems to help a lot. I have started eating healthier and am feeling better about myself. I take one day at a time. Some days are better then others.
I can relate to this. My husband acts the same way, only I see it differently. What is so wrong about him using social graces to get himself out of an uncomfortable situation? Would you REALLY rather have him tell your Dad "sorry, I just can't be bothered with spending time with boring people like you" or whatever else he feels about them? Please don't get the wrong impression! I am sure your parents are lovely people, just as I am sure you are. I am merely expresssing how my A husband seems to think and am thinking that perhaps your husband feels similar. My husband thinks EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is boring that does not involve getting drunk.
I am sure if you think about it, your husband's evasive but socially acceptable answer is far far better thant he brutal and rude honesty which I am sure he is capable of. I think the fact that he bothers to try to be tactful shows he does care about your Dad and respect him on some level. My husbad just lets it all hang out and tells people "no" in a way that does not spare their feelings. SIGH! I would much prefer him to handle it the socially graceful way that your husband does.
I too and learnign through al-anon that life goes on after I have given up on my husband spending any time with the family. I get REALLY REALLY sick of having to talk him into doing anything. Most of the time I don't even bother, but occasionally I do for our daughter's sake. I remember once I talked him into going to a museum for a free exhibit in Cleveland. He was acting just like a kid, moving slow as molasses to put his shoes and coat on, really, it was like a comedy performance! I was getting really steaming mad! Then, on the way we had to stop for gas (his insistance that we not take a long trip, um...half an hour...without a full tank of gas) more passive aggresive behavior. SIGH! Then at the gas station he repeated his slow motion performance, I started to get mad, then as I saw people look at him and laugh I realized how funny it was for him to act so childish! It really was funny. Rather than get mad I made a mental note of the "cost" of talking him into doing anything.
I went to a few places without him and realized how much fun I had...it did not take long. And belive me, this was a big step for me. I was overly attached to him, I used to only feel happy when he ws at my side. I felt a vague feeling of anxiety and discomfort when he was not with me. I have gotten over that! Once I had to go away for a business trip for two days and I was having such a great time I truly forgot to call him to let him know that I was alright and had gotten to my destination safely! He was so used to me calling him constantly when I was away from him that he was sure something had happened to me. I had not even left him the name or place where I was! He had to dig my district supervisors name out of my work papers and call her at home nad have her track me down, LOL!!! When I went to the seminar the next morning they had like three messages for me from him, my district supervisor and the seminar coordinator! It was funny how shocked I was, I had not even given him a single thought, I ws too busy having fun with people that are nice and nut drunk and enjoyed my company.
You too can reach this point, just remember that life goes on without the alcoholic.
well say, i don't know you will have to ask him why he did not come.
Don't accept the responsibility.
I would not even ask him to go to anything. I would take care of me and the kids. he wants to isolate, so allow him the dignity to make his own decisions. i mean that is what i did.
i got to where I did everything alone or with others. If I chose to live with the A then I Had to accept him as is period.
please excuse my awful typing, my arthy hands are a drag.
A's will never be the typical or desired mate. even when they are sober, their first priority is sobriety,not you. They will use, be sober, relapse, go to rehab, relapse get depressed, drink, use whatever. That is the nature of the disease.
Those who choose to live with an A, I find, can only do it by separating their life from teh A and share whatever he or she can give.
I would rather have a here using or not or whatever, than have him living at his mommies but he chooses to be there.
it is a program of recovery holly. I had to decide how to live with the A or how to not live with the A. made a list of how to do it. Separate money, name on ] my house, name on my vehicle, be completely independant, not ask him for anything.
I was satisfied to get to see the real him once in awhile. to see him sleeping, to hear his voice, smell his scent.
but mine is so sick I cannot explain how separate we are. it is like there is a huge
space between us. A's get worse and worse not better.
I hope you find serenity in time. It not only helps you with the a it will change your life for the better.
I am so amazed how I don't worry or freak out anymore.
Anyhoo I am always glad to see ya here lady. YOu can always email me private again
Everybody has already said most of it, but just on the 'hating to explain why he's not there' aspect of it. Just Don't. It is not your job to make excuses for him, to make his explanations, to lie for him, to cover up for him, none of it. Just shrug, or say "You'll have to ask him". He is not you - his behaviour does not reflect on you. People may try to make you take responsibility for his behaviour, but you do not have to take it.
One other thing, which may give a little insight - my family is really one that likes to play games - cards, board games, etc. At family get togethers, this is usually what we do. My husband would never play, and if forced to, would be obstructive and useless. Well, I ended up missing out on a lot of playing, until my kids got old enough, and then taught them games, and played with them. Every time we would say "C'mon, join us" to my husband, and he would say no, I took it as a little rejection, a sign that there is always something that he would rather do than spend time with us. After he sobered up, it would be the same. Then, not too long ago, the kids talked him into playing a game. It's a board game, and a little unusual, involving being able to see patterns developing. My husband played for a while, then said he was tired and went to lie down. When I went in later to talk to him, he was really depressed. He had been trying hard to play, he said, and just couldn't do it. The kids were beating him so badly, and he was so ashamed at his inability to even understand the rules of the game. I was shocked, he's an intelligent guy, but his mind just doesn't work that way, I guess. Also the years of brain damage from substance abuse doesn't help. He had been losing really badly, and making a joke of it for the kids, and they were laughing - we all thought he was losing deliberately in order to make them laugh, but he wasn't.
The point here is - A's are horribly insecure and self conscious. Rather than admit that he can't swim, or is embarrased at the weight he has gained, or is having trouble keeping up with the conversation at your parent's house, or who knows what insecurity, he will say that your folks are boring. I lived with my husband for twenty years, never knew that he wa sahamed of how bad he was at games - that's how good they are at covering up.
Hi...just a note to tell ya I'm thinking of you. Aren't so many of these situations familiar to you.
You are so blessed...the replys to your question were just so wonderful and so helpful to me, too.
Someone mentioned the book, "Co-Dependent No More", by Melody Beattie. Her books are so helpful to me.
Our social life is almost non-existent now that my A is sober. His social skills were all wrapped up with alcohol...and he chooses to not exert himself now. For now, I see the time as a healing space for me, and do not push the social life we used to enjoy(???)
I lied and covered for his excuses for so long, and no longer bother. Folks will see what they want to see.
I, like Isabella (?) really enjoy the social situations when I am away from my A. I feel like I am then the person I was before the disease. Enjoy his absence, and use the time to your advantage.
