Why do so many spouses stay with their alcoholics? - Al-Anon Family Group

Leelee · Newbie

Why do so many spouses stay with their alcoholics?

DreamXL · Senior Member

Hi LeeLee,
Reading your post this morning brought up thoughts of what I have been looking at myself. It is different for everyone ..some stay some leave. I guess we all have our limits. I wondered often why my mom stayed in a relationship that was just such an unhealthy environement for all of us. She will say it was "for the kids"....when I look at those words.."it was for the kids" it makes me cringe. I can see today as an adult that it wasnt for the kids but the kids were used as an excuse. Her co dependancy issues, lack of self esteem were most likely the reasons why. I mean how can living in a broken home be better than coming from one? She did what was best for her....She wouldnt admit that today and stands by her "for the kids" reasons. Alcholism being a family disease affecting everyone in the house and growing up watching coping skills of our "role models" certainly leaves much to be desired. As far as age appropriateness goes I wouldnt think that young children could possibly even begin to understand alcholism until they reach a certain age. I cant imagine a 6 or 8 year old possibly grasping that...I do think they know and feel something is wrong or even worse..it becomes their "normal" . I think and this is just my opinion, a 11 year old with the help of alateen could begin to get some understanding. Glad your here and keep coming..im sure others could and will share their esh with you...:)

cassidy2010 · Member

Hello LeeLee,

    Welcome,I am new here too.It would appear that we are riding in the same boat.My A use to hide his drinking from my children when they were smaller and I tried to help but guess what they eventually saw what was going on.My son who was 4 at the time would ask me why does Daddy drink in the bathroom ? My son is 11 now and holds alot of resentment towards him.He's seen the behavior and I thought I could hide it.

     I've kept most of it a secret from my A's mother but she knows now.As for the neighbors well they found out one night when I was visiting .He came over drunk asked for my cell phone and crushed it in his hands right in front of them.You cannot hide it forever.Why do we stay ? I don't know ,maybe out of fear,insecurities,financial reasons.There are so many reasons .My mother-in-law actually asked me to stay for the kids.Ha ! Really what good am I doing by staying ?

    Honestly , I am still here because I don't know what to do.I feel like a deer caught in headlights.Do I run or stay ? I've made alot of poor choices and my decision will have a ripple effect.Alot of lives will change and I hope for the better.It's alot to bare on anyone's shoulders.You have to do what is right for you.I am glad I came here ,glad you did too =).There are alot of great people ,alot of support .I'm happy to hold your hand.We'll get through this.You are not alone.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome leelee, glad you found us.

People stay for lots of reasons. Many of us, once we truly believe being an addict is a disease, know it is not their fault.

They don't choose drugs over us. The disease does. It is very hurtful.

All the bad experiences come from the disease of addiction. Sadly most don't get into recovery until they lose about everything.

It is not personal. No addict who is a good person, deliberately goes out to hurt anyone else. The guilt they feel keeps them in this horrible circle of using, hurting, guilt and using again.

Alanon teaches us to realize there is life even though there is an addict in our lives.

As far as children, they will follow your lead. It is a disease, daddy is very sick. Compassion goes a long ways. We do not like the behavior but they are someone we love.

I know for me I took my vows seriously that I would stay married even if he got sick. Addicts are sick. BUT I did have to have him stay away because after a brain surgery he became horribly abusive towards me and everyone.

We have the right to decide what it best for us. And other true alanon bros and sisters will always support your decisions.

I did have my A go away when he blew up a long time ago in front of my kids. We were not married then.

Anyway the anger we feel is towards a disease not a person. They cannot just choose to not use. Does not work that way. They have to be so badly down they will do anything to not use anymore. Even then some cannot get to that point.

Even in recovery they will relapse. It is part of the disease.

for me I never put my A down to the kids, never. They made their own decisions. I was not bitter towards him after I learned all I have shared with you. The anger, bitterness, hate etc. eats us up and it is not even the person doing it it is the disease.

Same as if they had a brain tumor or brain cancer, their brain is compromised from the using.

HUGS, keep sharing, love,debilyn

ThisIsBlythe · Veteran Member

People leave or stay for many reasons.

Before I left I looked around carefully at what happened to others who left before I decided to take that leap. What I saw was not pretty...when still together, the non A parent had pretty much complete control of the children, A's are normally not consistantly "hands-on" parents. However, once the nonA parent left, then custody and visitation had to be worked out. Then the real trouble starts! Being forced to leave your children alone with an A, not knowing what level of supervision they will have with you not around. Then, a woman (or man) is often found somewhere to partner with the A, who often ends up at leasting seeming to care for the children while the A parents is drunk or knocked out. So, some strange person, probably an A or of ill repute, ends up caring for and "raising" your children while the divorced parent continues in their drunken behavior. I have seen the anguish the nonA parent goes through with this scenario played out too many times.

Then, there is the situation a good friend of mine found herself in. She left her A husband and got custody of their three young children. After a few years, spousal support ran out, although she still got child support. She had to move to another smaller apartment, she was upset and enrolled in college to be able to get a better job to get a nicer apartment or house. She put the kids in daycare while she was in college and work. Meanwhile, the A remarried and sobered up enough to do well at his job and make a ton of money, he bought a lovely spacious new home. The new wife was able to stay home and not work. The kids were older, and they began to be tempted by the video games, big yard, pool, money, and other yummy stuff at Dad's house, the Dad persuaded them to want to live with him. They went to court, and the Dad was awarded FULL CUSTODY because with a "stay at home mom", plenty of money, plenty of room, etc., the judge thought the kids were better off with Dad, then in a low income daycare at all hours of the day and night while the Mom worked and went to school. Talk about a dissapointment!

Of course, sometimes it works out and the Dad is shocked into getting help and treatment and he is either a great dad despite divorce, or the parents get back together.

Either way it is a HUGE gamble, and often the kids are hurting no matter what the choice!

Only you know if the risk is worth it to try and leave. But just remember, sometimes you are simply trading one set of problems for another, and the kids will likely suffer the worse. Think carefully, having an A Dad will hurt the kids in one way or another whether he lives in the home or not.

I hope it works out for you.

Blythe

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think it is actually the stay leave paradigm. I believe for me it was the detachment paradigm.
Certainly I left and the consequences were immense. I suffered tremendous hardship. I held on for many many years because I knew that was on the horizon. I couldn't find a way to do it withut hardship.

I no longer beat myself up about staying. I certainly have issues about it but I don't blame, harangue or condem myself for it. I know I had to lean very very heavily on al anon irregardless of what I did.

I also know there were many many suggestions for me. One was to make a plan be. While I made the plan be (and it was pretty rudimentary) I stopped blaming the now ex A for everything. There is no question his disease progressed as I made it. I stopped intervening. I stopped jumping in. I stopped being the cushion for him.

There are ways through this. If you stay or if you leave is irrelevant somedays. We only have today. How do I make today better. My situation after leaving is tremendously difficult. I have to work every single day to make it bearable. There is no magic light at the end of the horizon. I will be years and years regrouping and working on making a better life for myself. I used to believe the ex A stole it all. Now I think his disease merely progressed and I could have gone with him to hell and back. I stepped off that elevator but it is no happy ending with clouds and wonder and freedom. I stayed until he had dug both of us a grave and I barely escaped with a few possessions. The issue around your children will resolve themselves. If your children have the space, time and energy they will come to see their father for what he is rather than for the picture he paints them. That is their process and you can influence it but not control it entirely.

Maresie.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

oh so much I want to say here because My boyfriend "A" comes from a home such as all describe with excessive alcoholism his Mom left her A husband but didn't get alanon help or any other kind So therefore the kids were still raised in a home with raging alcoholism and the effects.

So I believe the best answer is what was told to me at my first alanon meeting-UNLESS there are people in physical danger kids or you- go to alanon for 6months
VERY CONSISTANTLY read pray work on yourself detach- keep the kids busy and positive as much as possible and continue not to say anything negative about the A to the kids.- 6 months of working on you- then see if your ready to make a decision, Higher Power will give you peace when your ready you'll know one way or the other.

You mentioned church some churches think AA and alanon are cults because they are misinformed be careful "earthpeople" (those not living with alcoholism) really do not understand they may mean well but unless you live this life you have no idea there are tons of Christians in alanon, it's just not required but chosen-

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