The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband hasn't had drink for a month now, he was attending some meetings but hasn't in weeks. I am worried he will resort back to his old behavior and pattern of drinking if he doesn't continue with his meetings or counselling to work on his issues. I want to feel happy about this, but he has gone a month with out drinking several times before, when it is three months, I may then feel differently. Maybe I am just too exhausted from it all, who knows!!! All the lies, manipulation, disrespect and stress that was created by his drinking can't disappear as quickly as the beer he used to drink!!! I admit I tried to control his behavior/drinking and sometimes it worked but mostly it just caused me stress as he did what he wanted to do. Just wondering when I can relax and begin to be the old me, the me before his drinking consumed me. I haven't attended an al-anon meeting yet, thought I would check this out first!!!
Dear Holdingon, your A has quit for a month. This is wonderful! I am happy when my husband quits for only one day. After many let downs, I now just take one day at a time. My A is at the bar every night. I have resolved that it is entirely his choice as he doesn't listen to anything that I say. When my husband doesn't drink, our life is almost "normal." I don't worry anymore that he will resume drinking as he has done so when I least expected it. He was in the hospital several months ago for about ten days (for emphysema). I was certain when he got out, he would start taking care of himself. As soon as he finished his antibiodic, he was right back to the bar w his buddies. So take care of you and your connection to your HP. Enjoy what you have and don't anticipate what might happen. As you said, we certainly can't control it. Love and blessings, Annie
Hello, well a big part of alanon is teaching us how to take care of ourselves and stop giving our A's illness any attention.
Whether they drink or not is up to them, whether the go to meetings is up to them. We cannot control any of it, so why even think about it or worry over it?
As far as you being you, again it is up to you. We can get back to taking care of our selves and even bettering ourselves even if our A's are into their drug of choice. I hope you will cont. coming here.
A good book is Getting Them Sober. It will explain more and is easy to read.
WE have meetings in the chat room that are great. The chat room is fun and safe too.
Living and or loving an A for me was accepting him as is. I did not care if he used or not I was happy if he got some sober time. Happy for him. But A's relapse, get sober, go to meetings then don't.
Whether we think they do better one way or another makes no difference. They have to figure it all out for themselves. It is their path. We don't point out things, keep their inventory or anything. We are not their counselor.
I am glad your A is getting some sober time. But for me, I would not be surprised when or if they relapse. It is part of the disease. Rehab is part of the disease.
AA is a great way for them to get more sober time. They develop a program of sobriety that works individually for them.
We as alanoners do that too. For me, I focus on me, do my best to develop my life to be pleasing for my hp. I set boundaries.
Glad you are here and hope you keep coming back. love,debilyn
Welcome - You are definitely in the right place. We've all been where you are and understand and love you.
You've already read lots of good shares and I can only add - run to the nearest Al-Anon meeting or one that you feel comfortable in and go to at least 6 meetings. You will find the same love and support in person that you find here.
Hi Holding on and welcome! It is important for you to begin attending AlAnon meetings, which will teach you the subtle art of caring for YOU!! Sometimes we find ourselves sicker than the alcoholic, and that will never do. I try to remember the 3 Cs _ I didn't cause it; I can't control it: I can't cure it. But one thing I CAN cure and control is me!! Al Anon is all about you, and how you gain serenity even in the face of having to deal with an A. But don't discontinue coming here. There are people here who understand, and can give you a word of encouragement when you need it. And yes, a hug too. I wish you well. With caring, Diva
(((((((((((((((((((Holding on)))))))))))))))))
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you so much everyone, I wanted to cry when I read all your wonderful advice and support. You are so welcoming and caring...thank you so much!!! You made me feel among friends and that is such a nice feeling. MEGAN ...I hope your hubby quits again, he did well the first time though. I am glad you found solace in alanon, I hope that I can too. Insanity, indeed!!! ANNIE... you are so right, enjoy what I have and don't worry about tomorrow, it does drive you crazy. That is what I have to elarn, not to worry what he will do next or when the drinking may happen. DEBILYN...thank you for the book recommendation, I will check for it this week. Thank you for the advice, "we are not their counsellor' hit home for me, because I did try to advise him on what is best for him and us, his health and it was so frustrating for me. DOT...thank you for your caring words. Are online alanon meetings as good as other meetings, should I do both or either or? I will keep coming back thanks to you all. Jenny...I hope your sitaution has improved for you and you have been able to find peace for yourself, that is where I am looking right now, for me, not him anymore, tried that one too many times. He does have to find his way as I do. I still love and support him and pray for the best. Diva... Sicker than the alcholic, yes, I am off work now due to stress, have been put on anti depressant and off work for a month now as aresult of his last drinking episode. You would think he not drinking for a month would be a relief, but it was the last emotional straw for me. So I am trying to help/fix myself the best I can. I am glad I came here, really glad!!! Tahnks for the hug, that was nice. Love to you all, I wish you all the best in your recovery too. May be weather these roads together. Thank you for the support, I need it. You have made it so I can be open in what I am feeling without being judged or feel stupid for my thoughts or actions. God Bless.
I am new here too, and I am going through the same thing. The cycle continues and continues and continues, I am so sick of it. I have attended only one online meeting and just this morning when in the chat room. There were only a few people on line so I felt comfortable sharing. I was amazed to learn that some of the people who share have been with alanon for a long time. They gave me hope. I am at the point where I know I can't change anything, God knows I have tried. I am so tired of being in control and not having a life that I can't stand it. The worse part is that I am so disgusted that all of this has to be part of my life now too. You can sign into the chat room during a meeting and not participate, just read...I wish I had the courage to go to a meeting to get a sponsor, I working on getting the courage, I looked up the schedule, now I just have to make it happen. Sometimes taking the first step is all it takes to make things look brighter. Hang in there....
Hi again - On-line and face to face meetngs are both good. I've been around for a lot of 24 hrs and couldn't do without the personal contact with my family of choice and a sponsor to meet for coffee or call when I need to,
Why not do both and do what you are comfortable with. Our program gives us a choice - something I didn't know I had before Al-anon.
When you take care of yourself, EVERYONE else in your life benefits. Your A has his own higher power. Perhaps it is time you get to know yours.
There is never going to be a "better time" to start getting to know yourself and discover how to walk your own path in life. My gifts of self awareness, self-respect and honesty came after my A had an affair and we split. That was 1.5 years ago and my life has never been so real and enriching as it is now FOR ME.
Take care and keep coming back.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Thanks again to you all for replying. Acala...I guess we are starting here together, seems like a great place to start, don't you think? It is sickening that even though we as family and friends don't have the addiction but we still have the problems resulting from their addiction!!! I guess we have to learn that it isn't our problem and move on emotionally, easier said than done at times. Hugs and happiness for you!!! DOT...nice to hear from you again. Why do we at alanon need a sponser? Forgive me for my questionn, but I thought it was the person with the addiction that had a sponser? I never thought of it both ways. It is a nice thought to know that there is one special person there just for you when you need them and maybe someday I could be there for someone else too. It is a nice circle of helping and supporting. Jessi...thank you for your words. I am so pleased for you and the life you have made for yourself. I too want that inner peace and I am determined to have it. Each time an oppurtunity for my husband to drink passes by, I find it easier. I find I am stressing less about it, I still worry, that is harder to erase and I am a worrier. Trust is a BIG issue for me, forgetting is another big issue. I still have resentment for things that have happened in the past two years as a result of his addiction, some are harder to let go, particularily when our daughter was born and I was in hospital for 4 days, he was there for the birth but left about an hour after to drink and I didn't see him for two days when he showed up with a friend at the hospital drunk. It was hard before she was born, but it was worse after. I begged if not for me than for her!!! he has done it for himself, which is the best way. He says he will attend more meetings and work on his issues besides just abstinence. I am learning not to question if when out or when I am asleep if he is drinking, don't get me wrong my mind still goes there, habits are hard to break. But I am trying not to let it consume my mind like it has. It is and I am a work in progress.
Hello Holdingon, so glad u posted here, please find a meeting f2f u need a program if u want to have alife with this man, the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change. With your own program u will learn to not worry so much about the things u have no control over anyway , such as his drinking. You will learn to detach with love and leave his recovery to him while u recover as well.
There are no guarantees that they will never drink again, in a program or not. Al- Anon and AA do not promise to save marriages but they do promise to return us to sanity. Drunk or sober they will always be Alcoholic. Good luck please find some meetings for youself your worth the effort . To me Al-Anon is the best way to support their sobriety. bye and good luck Louise
Thank you Abbyal/Louise for the input. I found the book Co-dependent no more By Melody Beattie today, I couldn't find the other one recommended by Debilyn, Getting them sober. I am starting to read it tonight. I hear a lot about dry drunks and that that is what my husband is now. He hasn't attended a meeting in awhile, he was to go last night, but the person that was to go with him couldn't go so he didn't go. He has been very irritable towards me and continues to be selfish in the way he thinks and treats me. He doesn't see it though. One thing I haven't allowed him to engage me in an arguement, as he used to. One day at a time, but thanks for all thr great advice, yes, I am starting to work on me now...it's about time!!!
