I always live my life feeling trapped i can remember each and everytime in my life i have, and here it is again. When i was around 12 years old thats when the abuse starting full swing. Because my mother completely believed that me and my sister were raised at 12 and her job was done. She still believed it till she died i always argued with her on that. But she was alone at 9 going downtown and things and working so i guess that makes sense she would think that. Every night i would hear my mom whisper go get them .... and my dad would come charging. I remember it so well my bed was near the door and i would get it first, i waited for it cause it was a shock to wake up like that. And i would tell them go through me first if you want to get to my sister. For years i thought my dad beat my mom, and then i guess i was around 14 or 15, i heard my mom hitting herself she was smashed out of her mind, and my dad was in the living room, i heard her hitting herself and saying ow ow robert stop ow ow, was for us to hear. She fell on the floor alot too i never got up though. I always used to say I cant waittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt till im 16!~ cant waittttttttttttttttttt till im 18 to move out. when i did turn 18 i was kind of taking care of my grandmother and doing all i could do to not let my grandmother know that my parents were alcoholics i hid it since i knew , cause my mom once told me she wouldnt believe me and im not sure she would of and i loved my grandmother like crazy. But i let my parents drain her out of money savings everything. They were drinking thier rent away and asking my grandmother to cover and she always did. i felt bad but i didnt want my grandmother to disown me. My parents kicked me out when i was 21 they kept telling me to leave, so i did, and they freaked. didnt expect me too, But if you tell me to do something or if im not wanted why stay? i am the only one in my family cousins , sister, that never went back. But i am considered the looser in the family. quit school, did drugs dranks talked back, No one my aunts or anyone tell took to time to realize why and they still dont. I intended to move on my own but my ex came in alot and just one day never left. I was with him for 4 years and then starting breaking up with him and stuff. I left him three times and once enganged ask me why i married him i havent a clue i didnt want to. but i wanted something i guess. Then after marriage became hell became roomates not husband and wife and he would watch tv in his room and i would watch tv in the living room and then when we got computers was the same thing. I soooooo wanted to get out of there to always hoping to get out of something i live it. And now my mom is gone (passed away) and i dont know what to do. This morning my dad called me a looser and ungrateful because i dont have money and he feeds my kids(NOT ME) i make sure not to take his food although i cook for him everyday, but anyway. he said name one thing you do for me. I said i turned down a job to care for your dying wife and that wasnt a problem and i did it for mom not you. i said i cook clean go to store for you do what you ask? he said i feed you i said OH NO YOU DONT YOU FEED "MY KIDS" and ya know what? if that is a problem for you just dont. there are other ways i can get my kids fed. I moved in this building in may the building of my parnets that i got away from in 95 and 10 years later im back here. and it kills me i hate it so so much. I moved here for my mom to be closer to her so she could babysit and me find a job and life happy blah blah........ But hp had something better in mind he took her and left me in a life i dont know how to live alone!!!!!!!!!!! and i am alone with the kids not many people like me and thats no lie and i know ya are going to say well i like you. but its not the same and its not what i mean. I am so very terrified to make another step, like plan for september school or a job, im scared to cause i took a two month course to work and my mom got sick and was put on hold. I dont know what to do im just waiting to see what hp is going to bring and im terrified of him. Yesturday my friend that has stood by me since i met her almost 3 years ago when i left alanon she came into my life that i know hp was working:) shes helped me so much and ive done not much for her cause i cant. i am there for her but shes done things for me that no one has ever done my entire life and she is an amazing person ive never met anyone like her she lets you be who you are. Flaws and all and sometimes if i go into to much self pity she forces me to stop. lol. I so wish i could give to her what shes given to me. Yesutrday she came to see me and she got a pain and couldnt walk well and i went home with her to make sure she was ok cause i live about half hour away from her by car. I was so scared she didnt want to go to hopistal and i said are you taking her too?? cause if he does i wont handle it i cant do this anymore. And some of you said i will bad things to happen but it isnt true i dont understandw hen you guys say that beause its not like i ask for anything . and i dont think that im that powerful to create things. i just dont know what to do where to go all i want to do is sleep and sleep and i can feel it falling, im in therapy although just once ive seen her cant afford it since. And i come here. I just dont know anymore im so so fed up its not funny i try and try and things are always halted. Ive been to school 3 times and somethings always happened that i had to put it off always finished tho. Anyway done here tired fed up annoyed. My aunt called my dad the other day and said i shouldnt be spending my time with my friend on weekends when my kids are not here and my dad told her how much he pays for me and feeds us and that isnt like that. my aunt told my dad to let me take care of my own kids but i do in my opinioni called her and said if you want to talk about me to my dad try using my number and saying to me instead and i hung up. And my dad went on the weekend for supper to her house and im almost sure that she told my dad to stop doing things for me. and i dont need my dad. ii really dont and he doesnt understand this But sometimes if he goes to the store and my kids are in bed i ask him to go cause hes going and i go for him when he cant walk. but ya know if he wants to stop doing for me ill stop doing for him and i told him this morning you think i do nothing now do you want to see what nothing really is? . I was close to my mom my dad is a different story. I would disown him and my sister but i dont have the guts. My kids are seeing all this. He said today it certainly wont be you that takes care of me i said well ya have no one else to do it and your other daughter certainly wont since shes disabled when she wants to be. He said it wont be you. I said thats written in Stone!!!!!!!!!!! he always says things to me and expects me to pass it off like i did with my mom. Difference is me and my mother said sorry for these things me and my dad always clashed. Me and my sister hate eachother with a passion. So i would loveeeeeeeeeee to leave this building now since the reason i moved here is gone. i feel like im 8 again and i feel trapped again and i just know until i get out of here this feeling wont leave !!!!!!! aslways have this feeling for years before i can take action. Ill just wait to see what hp wants from me. Hope i can survive the next thing cause im near close to giving up now. sorry just babbling venting dont wory just thoughts. will pass

-- Edited by kerry5 at 12:19, 2005-06-10