The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling very down today. Yesterday was my 10th Anniversary and it went unnoticed by all. My mother in law did ask what she should get us and my mom the same but as far as my husband went, I had to remind him and then it was dropped. I am really upset, 10 years I put in this marriage and many more before that. I have been to hell and back and I'm not so sure that my husband even loves me. After an affair that was pretty serious and last 3 years, almost ended my marriage I need reassurance that this marriage is where I belong and all I get are vague unclear messages, like "I'm here aren't I" or "If I wanted to leave you I would have". I know a's aren't capable of loving themselves and I am trying to be patient because we both have a lot of work to do before we can have a solid loving relationship but sometimes I wonder even if he got sober if it would ever happen.
I am confused and sad today, and I don't want to tell the people around me because they don't understand, 1/2 would say leave him and the other would give me all the reasons to stay. I stay because in the end I want it to work out. But I'm not sure if I'm fooling myself. He says he would never cheat again and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. He blames the alcohol I think mostly. I'm just not sure, I need to be loved but I don't want to quit if there is a chance that someday that love will come from him.
I remember my 10th anniversary with my first husband, the alcoholic that got me to alanon. I had hoped that we could go someplace special and when I talked with him about it he said that all he wanted to do was just go to dinner somewhere. I was so hurt. Now I realize that he was so deep into his disease that he didn't want to go anywhere with me because it would have been too difficult for him to find ways to drink.
It was very difficult for my first husband to be in a relationship as what he wanted to do was numb himself. What I learned in alanon is that he could only offer me the relationship that he could offer me. I couldn't make him offer me the relationship I wanted from him because he didn't have it to give. I am reminded of an old alanon expression: don't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. But I also know that he loved me as best as he could and he still does to this day.
So today I work on loving myself. And on being the best that I can be in realtionships. And accepting my first husband as he is and loving him still. I chose to divorce my first husband. But that was my choice. Just like I can't tell him what to do, no one else could tell me what to do. I listened to what others had to say and nodded my head and said thank you for your suggestion. But I asked my higher power to help me decide what was best for me to do. I am not suggesting that you divorce your husband. I am just telling you that I took the path that was right for me.
I am sure that life is confusing right now. My only suggestion is to keep coming. It is a wonderful program and has helped me to find serenity.
I'm sorry that you are feeling down today. I hope you can find some time to do something nice for yourself.
It is hard when an anniversary goes by unnoticed and it does hurt.
Try not to let people get to you when they tell you to stay or leave. The only one who can decide what you should do is you.
I know I have chased rainbows and held onto hope for so many years, and many people think I am foolish for not walking away. I keep reminding myslef of something my Dad has told me since I was a child. He said the only person you have to answer to is the one looking back at you in the mirror. If you are honest with that person and true to their feelings, then no matter what, you will be okay.
Feel your feelings because are yours and real. Don't stay in the mood too long. Take some kind of action like celebrate yourself, call a friend, buy yourself some flowers. Sometimes I think that the A doesn't want to commit or can't and therefore doesn't do the celebration. If he does then he has to admit that he is married and responsibility goes with it.
Alanon teaches us to focus on ourselves because we truly can't change anyone else. It has been helpful to me. And boy do I need a lot of work. But there are rewards in taking care of yourself. You can't get from other people what you don't do for yourself.
