The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, well I was not sure how to respond when A did call. I saw it was him and took a breath. I said hello, he immediately said how are you? I changed the subject quickly.
I told him I will not be telling him anything about me. Neither will my loved ones. That I have learned who really loves me the last few days. He was quiet. I said, "If I tell you how I am, then I might make myself believe that you care, and you don't."
He said I am calling now. Said it has been 6 days since I told you. I watched my mom die from breast cancer, she died in my arms. I may have to go thru that.
Of course he said nothing. I kept being quiet. I told him, you got what you wanted, you have lost everything. Meaning now me, the last thing he could depend on. He said yes I have that is the truth. Said you have made your choices. YOu live in your mommies garage and you are 53 years old, I cannot handle this anymore.
He said well you are in control. I have not been in control for years. I said, who's fault is that? He said mine.
I said," There are a million things I could say to you, to tell you what made me feel this way. But I am not going to. I just couldn't. It would just hurt him. I mean he was not there when my mom died, or when his brother died. So many times he was not there. It is weird though. He was there for me when I lost my loved animals..
I felt awful becuz I knew it was hurting him. I told him I felt indifferent, he said he could feel that. He has never been a day in his life since he was 18 without being sure of my love for him. He knows he allowed his disease to kill it.
He then said, "I need to go." I said,"YOU NEED, YA, YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN GOOD AT TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF." Then I hung up.
I kept trying not to cry. After awhile realized I just tore his guts out. Made me feel so bad I still feel horrible. My heart is really, surprisingly ok. I know I love him, always will.
But there is no relationship. There is no marriage. I cannot make something out of nothing anymore and be true to myself.
This does not mean my guts don't hurt. Does not mean I hate him, quite the opposite. I know he is crying, and he is not feeling good now. He must feel very empty. I hope he does not do anything stupid. The last two times I sent him home he tried to commit suicide. I think I told you guys, the paramedics had to zap him back.
I thought I was kinda ok, but found the ice I got out last night in the frig not the freezer. And the dry catfood was in the cubboard where the plates are...
Had the whole house mopped. Then it was pouring down rain. The dogs got out in to the pasture. They forgot how to get back in, so I tromp out in the mud and get them in here. I allow them in the den (I can mop it) where their beds are. Well stupid me did nto shut the door tight.. 4 very muddy large dogs tromped thru my living room into the kirthcne. AAAAAA!!!!!
So dragged them back, along with crunchies and had to mop again..
Anyway thank you for reading. It has been a hard battle against the disease. Does thins mean it won? I guess time will tell. I am not waiting. But I am not going anywhere.
I don't believe I would want anyone else even if I did not believe it was wrong.
I know how my heart feels, I know what love is. I told him that too. I said, "I know what love is and i know what to do with it. Somewhere along this time A I grew up."
So today I am going to take it easy. I thought about Kis. If you have to rest, rest.
This disese caused an open wound in we loved ones. We have to treat ourselves tenderly. If anyone asks,say i have a broken heart. Everyone knows how that feels.
I feel awful becuz I know I broke my A's heart. If you guys can help me with that, it would be most appreciated.
much love, sitting next to a snoring little white English Bulldog with ginger spots..with a a big orange fluffy Winapurr on my legs...
Oh my sweat Debilyn, I have been thinking about you alot these days!!!!!!! Oh can I relate to how you felt when you husband wasn't there for you. It broke my heart! The only thing that helpped me was this board, the people here and all of the support!!
I am glad that you don't have that "feeling in your guts"
I guess that your HP decuided that you need and extra clean floor today!! help you keep your mind in the moment. The here and now.
I am praying for you and sending special thoughts to you.
As you're sitting there with all those wonderful animals, don't forget to feel all the warm, gushie hugs and love from all your friends here!!
I do feel sorry for your A and how he's missing out on living with a wonderful, loving caring person, but it is HIS choice. It is his pain, and he will have to grow up and deal with it, or keep drowming it with the pills and booze. He is missing out on sooo much, and I'm sure he knows that. I believe that it is HIM hurting himself, not you hurting him. Don't forget the 3 Cs.
HP knows, and we all know that you deserve your serenity in your Eden. Please DebiLyn, take care of yourself.
A's have a great way of trying to control us by doing something to themselves so we'll come to the rescue. Been there, done that a few dozen times. The last time, my son drove him to the hospital and babysat him. I picked him up and took him home to his Mommy's. She wasn't there and he asked me what he was gonna do? I told him to hire a nurse!! and went home.
I know it was harsh, but he hasn't hurt himself since. I'm praying for you, and also for him. I hope you will be able to continue to feel the serenity there with your animals, and we are here for you love. I know how hard it is to give up on someone you have loved for so very long. My prayers are with you that your lump is just a false alarm. You have enough to contend with right now without his drama. I pray he behaves himself, but you know how A's are, it's all about THEM. Take care,love always TLC
Broken hearts..... yes. I think what helps me is something that was said to me yesterday..."how he feels is his business, his problem to deal with, not yours". I am able again to feel some compassion for the man, but I will not stuff my own hurt and feelings aside just because it makes him uncomfortable to hear it. I told him as much today, he called just after my staff meeting. Wanted to know "what are we doing now". I told him that depends on you, what you do. He started in (again) on "so its all back on me now, I'm 100% to blame.....bla bla bla" I said no, you are not 100% wrong except in what you did. "There you go again, you have to keep harping on about it when I've already said I'm sorry and how it should never have happened and how I was totally wrong to have done that." I replied, "you say how you feel no one listens to you, well I do listen to you, I have done things to try and change myself, I got my real estate license and am working on learning this job.....you are my husband, and I am your wife and you WILL listen to how this affects me, how this has hurt me, how I feel because you have to understand....our not doing chores or going to work does not physically harm you, what you did physically harmed and now I am AFRAID of that happening again...it's a hell of a thing to be AFRAID your husband might hurt you or your kids. THAT is what I have to live with now, and THAT is what you are going to have to understand!" Told him I never would have ever thought he'd harm one of us. Told him that is why I said counseling or no go. It wasn't a threat, it is what I need to stay in the relationship with him. His choice on whether he does it or not. He said he is still trying to get ahold of the one lady who offered to do an evaluation. I said good, as long as he does that we have a chance of moving forward and working it out then. I stood my ground. He wants to make me feel bad for "harping on what happened"....well I told him this is the mental picture I have to live with, my son in fetal position on ground with my husband pounding his fist into the side of his head, how would YOU like to have that picture in your head of me doing that to one of your daughters? I have a right to my anger.
We put so much energy into supporting them and trying to show and tell them how they are loved. And then when it comes to us needing the same, it isn't there. Instead they start with the "poor me" stuff. I am tired of that. I am not accepting it anymore. I will not feel bad about him feeling bad over things I say. His feelings, his to deal with. Just as I have to deal with my own heart. We can't "make" anyone feel things...we are each responsible for our own feelings. Learning that has been one of the best things for me.
I think you are very right in saying "time to rest". We do need to take care of ourselves, to be kind to ourselves. I knew if I did not stop and get something to eat on the way home, chances were I would open refrigerator, go ewww, and then not eat anything. So I made myself stop at a little hotdog stand and buy a Jersey Dog. Now I might get heartburn from all the chili and onions LOL, but at least I have food in my stomach now and I have wonderful antacid stuff if needed LOL. I picked up the mail too, and have a nice lovely large child support check in there, enough to cover another months expenses. HP is good to me. His kindness and all the love from here makes me want to cry... in a good way, you know.
We will be okay. Love you ((((((((((Deb)))))))))
Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
i know it's only over the internet. i know it's not in person. but a lot of very real people (myself at the top of the list) have grown to love YOU very much.
you mean something to us very real people in this room. you are special and you are loved. you have helped many people through some very difficult times. you have shown others how to work the program when your life has been so tough.
please know you are not alone. we will all be together one day, and i will give you a very big hug.
I imagine he is feeling broken hearted tonight. It must be hard to realize that someone so warm, compassionate and with so much love could feel indifference to him. But you did not break his heart, this disease did and yours as well.
While I am sorry he is hurting, I hate to hear the hurt in your post. I wish I could just make it go away for you. But we all know how impossible that is.
Your love and compassion come through in ever word you write, and while I am sure you feel bad for your husband, right now you have to focus on you. You need to put your energy and prayer into keeping you well and helping you through this cancer scare. I am not trying to make less of it by calling it a scare, I am just praying very hard for you that it is just a scare. Selfishly that prayer is also for myself and all the rest of us here, as we all love you and need you.
Please ask one of those furries to give you a big hug for me.
