The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a 25 year old male in Iowa. I have never really ever drank myself because of my mom. She had me in high school and then got pregant again 6 years later and got married. Then she had another baby early and he died a few months later of SIDS and that was hard on her, then she got divorced and had another baby with another guy. At first my mom and I and my 2 brothers were happy and she would cook good and keep the house clean, then in the early 90's she started dating this guy and he used her for money and she just wanted to start having fun, she began drinking more and more. By the mid 90's she was doing rehabs and getting locked away into facilities, we even had to go to a family one. Eventually we got taken away. In 1999 my youngest brother fell off a tractor and got ran over by it and my other brother saw, that only seemed to make things worse for her. The next year I moved an hour away from my home-town and once my mom got wrongful death month she moved to my town in 2001. She bought a trailer so she'd have a place to live and a car, the car ended up dying in less than year. She got in some trouble with her ex and did a little bit of time, she was hurting financially in 2003, so I moved in to help with bills and rides. She worked at a few fast food places, but has since quit. She's depressed alot and seems to like to cry about my brothers who have passed and my other brother does not talk to us anymore. Last year I left for 6 months because I couldn't take it, but her bills added up and she got her power shut off and everything. The problem is that she can't seem to get motivated. I pay for 1/2 the bills and her boyfriend of 9 months pays for the other 1/2. Her friend of 10 years lives in the same trailer court as us and he is the worst alcholic I know. Her boyfriend always has been taken care of my his parents even though he is now 29. Oh my mom is almost 42 next month. Her boyfriend also is a huge drinker. I often want to just leave, but then she would have nothing and would feel I betrayed her. When she drinks she cries, talks very vulgar like tells her boyfriend that i want to S*** his C*** and he just lets anyone in the house and let's guys take advantage of her. I have to chase people out and threaten to call the cops. I can't seem to motivate her to stop drinking, to get a job, and to get some kind of help again. She just seems to talk big and do just about nothing. I got her a cell phone to have a place for people to call on job applications, but that didn't work. What should I do?
Hi, welcome. You are in the right place, there are many here who have grown up in the same kind of chaos you have. At alanon we say that the best way to help the alcoholic is to get ourselves healthy. I know that you want to help your mom, but in some ways the help you are giving her is just keeping her from facing the consequences of her drinking. She doesn't need to stop, because you are paying the cost for her. One saying we have here is the 3 C's: You didn't cause it, You can't cure it, and you can't control it. You can read some alanon literature, it is available at any face to face meeting, or you can order it from this website, or from the library, or on Amazon or Ebay. One book that focuses on Children of As is "From Survival to Recovery". If you are in a big enough town, there may be alanon meetings specially for adult children of alcoholics. If you read back in the posts here, I'm sure you will find some things that have meaning for you. Keep coming back
Hi Chad and welcome. We're glad you're here. You're among friends here, friends who have been, or are currently going through similar situations. What I am trying to say is you're not alone. You've taken that big first step of admitting you were powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable, now it's time to start healing. I found this group and program so helpful, even without realizing I was helping myself and picking up lifesaving tools. Keep coming back.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. You will be suprised how many people you will meet here that can relate with your life.
I know that sometimes guilt can control us and we find here in Al-anon that we are the first priority. You have some tough decisions to make but if you keep coming and working this program you will find that you can make decisions about your life and learn to detach from your mothers. I really recommend that you find all the reading material you can on detachment, i am no a child of an alcohol, I am married to one, but I can still relate your problems to my life and detachment is the key to finding some peace and beginning to build your own life.
It is possible for you to love your mother but not spend your life caring for her, she needs to learn to care for herself, fortunely and unfortunetly, we learn here that we can't control anyone but ourselves. Which means we can stop blaming ourselves for thing that others do but it doesn't always help when we feel guilty. I had to learn not to mother my a and continue to take care of him and bail him out of his situations. It was so hard to do but I have seen great growth from him, I though if I stopped he would fall apart and we would lose him. He did go through a period of depression but suddenly he snapped out of it when he realized we would take care of him and that if he didn't do the work he would lose his family. He still drinks but we are learning to live, I am learning to set boundries of what I will and won't accept and working on me.
It is really hard to accept that we can't control that person and to stop picking up the pieces but when we let them face their crisis and learn how to cope they may find their bottom and maybe even get help.
Keep coming back, there is a lot of support here, and trust me you are worth it.
Thanks to the 4 of you who gave me advice and words of hope. Things have been a struggle for me my whole life too, I just am glad to be a strong person. I had it ruff because I grew up gay, but always wanted a normal family life. I had considering having a kid, then I had testicular cancer in 1999. It made me depressed then when my second brother died 2 months later it just didn't help. I though things were getting better but when I had testicular cancer again in 2003, I felt like a target of negativity. Since then my weight has gone up and down and most guys find me undatable. I most seclude myself and stay at home. I want to move back to my hometown, but I still want to see my mom succeed and I feel like if I leave and she dies or gets killed or whatever that it shows that I am a bad son. I kind of get that "I raised you, now it's your time to help me" mentality from her. Overally my passions in life are gone. I don't have any real goals other than to have a place of my own and no debt. I owe for hospital and payday loans. I have been single for over a year now and there a 2 year gap before. I don't really like most gay men, I can't stand smoke, I don't even do hook ups or anything. I am a good guy, but I don't get along with people because everyone seems to be mean or be pushing their beliefs on you. I want the stress to go away and sometimes i feel like the only way I will ever feel happy is if I find love again. Everything I told you is just a few of the stresses in my life. Most friends and family just tell me to shut up and deal with it. They expect me to be the strong one and always be reliable. I would like to find a way to be refreshed and have renewed interest in persuing a more happy life.
Welcome to MIP!!! You have found the right place!!
I agree with what holly said. Look after your self and do things for you!!
At this point it might sound crazy to you but really it does help and loving the A in our life is hard and lettign go is very hard but enabeling the A's is not good for anyone.
I am glad that you found us and I hope that you keep comming back!!!
Hello Chad, so sorry u have to go thru this ,unfortunatley nothing u do will stop your mom from drinking, only she knows when enough is enough. You have a right to a life of your own and it sounds like u have done more than your share to make her life as easy as possible. Alcoholics need enablers to be able to continue doing what thier doing and thats us. We pay thier bills, we believe thier lies, we bail them out,we cover up thier mistakes. Until we stop doing those things nothing will change.
I hope u will try to find an Al-Anon meeting and attend for a few months = it will give u an oportunity to understand exactly what your dealing with,this is a disease and it is progressive .Alcohol takes the person we love to places they never planned on going and leaves us with someone we don't know./ there is nothing u can do about her but alot u can do for yourself. here is the toll free international number for info for your area. please for your sake call . give us a few months and see how u feel then ,this program changed m y life and those of my children who are now young men. 1-888-4alanon good luck. Louise
You may also want to try our chatroom that is accessed from the home page on this site. We have alot of young people who would be happy to share thier personal stories with you. Your not alone. by for now
I think it is very important for you to learn to love yourself. It sounds like you searching for someone else to love you because you can't do it for yourself. It is so important to start taking care of you above all others.
As far as the fact that if you move away and something happens to your mom it won't be your fault, she lives as she chooses and you have no control over that. I'm not sure if you are familiar with the 3 C's of Al-anon but they are (forgive me if I get them wrong but I don't have it in front of me but heres the jist of it) 1. You didn't cause it, 2. You can't cure it and 3. You can't change it. It is important for you to understand the if you are right with her or 100 miles away she will have crisises and things can happen. I can't tell you how long it took me to come to the point where I realized this, my a is still with me but he must work to remain home(although that wasn't really ever a problem) and I have stopped doing things for him unless he asks for help and they are legitamate requests, not something he could do for himself. You wouldn't believe how this has helped him mature. He still drinks but has made great strides and I hope they continue but I am learning my life and happiness don't have to depend on that.
You are so very important and deserve a life where you feel good about you. Be good to you and keep coming back.
Chad, so much of what you say about yourself sounds similar to what others who have grown up in alcoholic homes feel. You can learn to love yourself, and then you can find the life that is right for you.
Welcome to MIP!!! You have found the right place!!