The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted recently, I have been running around helping get ready for the Proms and Graduation. My sons Prom was on Friday night, he looked so handsome and of course I cried. His girlfriend looked lovely and they had a wonderful time. One down, one more Prom next weekend and two graduations to go. Whew.
In the middle of all of this my husband and I have been getting along okay, and this past week I attended the counselor alone. My A got tied up at work, called and the counselor said I should stay anyway.
He asked me a few questions and did most of the talking. It was a little upseting and scarey. He said we have already established that hubby is an A with some very seriouse problems. He said if he could he would force him into rehab, but that that isn't possible. He asked me how important my marriage is to me. I told him that I love my husband very much and that my marriage is very important to me.
The counselor offered to have my In-Laws at a session, but said from everything my husband or I say it would be a waste of time. He then spoke of intervention and said that that too would be a waste of time, as his parents would sabatage the whole thing.
He then said I basically have three choices at this point as he sees it.
He said we could continue on as we are doing, me with the kids and hubby with his parents, and spend some time together occasionally, but he said that the situation is going to get even more difficult as his parents are tightening the noose every day, and feeding into his alcoholism and delusions and anger.
He said I could call it quits and speak to an attorney.
The third choice is to get him out of his parents house and home. He told me that while he knows I find letting him come home right now a problem, he says my husband WILL NOT find sobriety living with them, not that he will find it at home, but he won't there. He says he will continue along having the best of both worlds and having his parents make things easy on him and justify everything he does. He says that no matter how bad the consequence they will take it away, unless it is so dire that no one can fix it, and then it will be too late. He said my In-Laws house and influence is unbelievebly toxic, and as they are getting up in age and sickly they like having a body there, to pick them up if htey fall. Even if it is a drunk. His Mother told him that he is not allowed to go home unless he is at least 30 days sober, yet she provides beer at every opportunity. He goes a few days then he falls and they discourage him from meetings as well. The counselor said that as he sees it they play into his weekness at every chance and will make sure the 30 days or any other will not happen.
He told me that while he believes in most of Alanons principals, that I need to take care of me and the kids and detach from his drinking, he says that to keep him out of the house while we do this is in effect ending this marriage. That while alcohol is an enemy, he says I need to realize that his parents are more the enemy than the booze. That by both are accounts, my In-Laws want me and the kids out of the way for selfish reasons of their own, and that even my husbands death would be justified away by them, as long as he is not with us.
He said I have two seperate problems, the drinking and the parents, but while I am protecting the kids and I from the drinking, his parents are using it to end this marriage.
He said he is not telling me which way to go, but that I need to see things as they are and make decisions accordingly.
He said the only way for my marriage to have any chance is to allow him home and then continue using Alaonon tools to keep my sanity and the kids. He said then we can cut his parents out of our lives, and at lease their contact with him will be limited. He said that one of the conditions could remain that no drinking here, no bars, and limited contact with his parents. He says my husband will still drink, but then their is a chance he will find his bottom as time goes on, without their hourly influence and protection. That while I cannot control them, I can control how much influence they have in my home, by keeping them out of it. He sad if my husband is truly out of control, to call the police, keep him away from the phone, so my in-laws do not become a part of it, and then he would end up in the legal system instead of their hands.
I asked him if it was possible that I in my anger put too much blame on them? He said tat he has been listening to us for 2 months now and that my husband is a 40 year old teenager, under the complete control of mommy and daddy. That he cannot even complete a sentance without telling you what his parents think. He said that my in-laws made my husband promise years ago, that he would never get married or have children, and use guilt to remind him that he broke that promise every chance they get. That they use transference to put their shortcomings onto me. That they are in effect brainwashing him and succeeding.
I am so confused right now. I do love him and have been trying to make this marriage work. But I hate the drinking, and I know what it has done to him and us. I also know his parents manipulate every situation to look innocent and I have fallen into that trap repeatedly as well.
He said I need to really think what I want and to talk to my children and decide what we want as a family out of life. He said we could expand this to family counseling and include the kids if we choose, or continue with the two of us. But he said if I want my husband to continue to live with his parents that he has gone as far as possible with us.
He said if I want my marriage I have to take it back from his mother first and then with the help of Alanon learn how to survive the drinking and hope he gets sober, but if he doesn't then we can still survive. He said at his parents he can basically guarantee, that one he will not get sober, but more importantly, our marriage cannot and will not survive.
I am supposed to call on Tuesday and let him know how I want to proceed and he said our next session will be according to that.
I'm not looking for answers or advice, just some feedback.
wow, what a spot to put you in. i feel for you ...........hate feeling like my next decision determines everyone else's future. but here's the thing, YOU don't determine everyone's future. your Higher Power does. i understand what your counsellor is saying. but there are no guarantees that your A will come home and hit bottom either. you cannot control that, and you already know that. in fact, his parents will continue to enable him whether he is living there or not..........i don't believe that is a factor you can totally remove from this situation..........his state of sobriety or lack of it is not your responsibility.
decide with your kids what is best for all of you. how do the kids feel? would they be ok having him there actively drinking? how about you? what was it like for you when he left (should pick up where you left off........... if nothing changes, nothing changes)? don't make a decision based on what 's best for him. make a decision on what's best for you and the kids. and trust that your A's Higher Power has a plan for him too.
i pray for you and your family jeannie. congratulations on all the graduations and proms. you're an amazing mom, either way :) do what is right in your heart. it is usually my heart that contains that nudge from my Higher Power. don't ignore it.
I know how difficult it is to make such decisions when it comes to resulting in heartache. What I find helps me when I'm so confused with no understanding on what direction my life and circumstances are going is to just be still. Often confusion comes before discovery and if we can just meditate and give this confusion to God (or as Alanon refers to our HP), time will reveal all. The key is balance and stability within ourselves... When we are in situations that cause high anxiety it makes it more difficult to be still and wait. However, I took these situations as a test from God in the trust I have in Him. I learned not to react (although, I still have my moments when emotional triggers occur)
It was interesting to find that once I discovered not to react to the situation with my ex boyfriend, who is still an active A I'm sure (I haven't seen or talked with him since the breakup in Jan) it was clear the decision I needed to make only resulted in one outcome--- Leaving the situation so I can maintain peace within me and not have someone constantly telling me that I was the problem with everything. I realized I did not need nor want a relationship like that and came to a point that I basically accepted that if its God's intent that I be single, out of a relationship the rest of my life, focused on him, then that is what I must do.....
So here I am now, out of the relationship feeling MUCH more peaceful and stable-- of course I still love him and will always love him, but I don't have the anxiety and instability that comes with having to accommodate his lifestyle and I can do whatever I want for myself and children. In turn, I've met some wonderful male friends at a new job I had been at the last 6 months and one in particular that I can honestly say has made an impression on me. We've exchanged #'s AFTER we both discovered we both received other job offers at different companies so now we are both leaving. Our last days are this week.
The fact that I can possibly be interested in someone as a good friend and not even consider a relationship right now because I know I am still healing is GREAT progress for me. :) I find myself wanting to start dating and could see this man being a part of that, BUT... if it's one thing I've learned it is that I am NOT pursuing anyone. Something I've discovered is that everyone I've ever dated or married (I was married twice), I had initiated the first date and it just continued from there. I realize now looking back at that, that by these men not initiating the first date or making plans to take me out initially without me hinting around that I was interested there was a good indicator of the red flag of the type of men they portrayed in only expecting things from me.
I know this is your share, but so many of these posts remind me of the same situations I've dealt with within myself. I have had 10 years and thousands of dollars of counseling for myself and children, yet it continues. I wonder if it ever ends somedays though. I'll leave with that final thought as continue to learn to be still while I wait for answers from God.
Believe me I do know that do not control the future, and I know there is no guarantee that my husband will hit bottom, no matter what I do. I think the counselor knows this as well. His sobriety is not my problem, but his, but it does hurt to see how bad he looks since he has been to stay with them. It does hurt to see that his Mother talks him out of every test that could show the damage he is doing to his health and it does hurt me to see them controling him like a marianette, and him allowing it.
I know letting him come home will not totally curb his parents enabling, but I can not anser the calls when they call, I can make it clear they are not welcomed here often, and mean as it sounds when they are here, I can make them unwelcomed. It is my home and I will not have that woman telling me how to run it, so I will shut her out, and the kids want nothing to do with her.
The problem right now is not only his drinking but my marriage. f his Mother where another woman, I would not sit back while she went after my husband, so how can I let her do it? I am trying to figure out not about his drinking, but whether to fight for my marriage or just leave him to his parents. My heart is telling me one thing, as it is very heavy and full of pain, but my head is telling me another. My heart says you have over 20 years in this relationship and are you going to let that old B$%ch who has been putting you down and manipulating all these years win out in the end> The woman called and pretended she was me and cancelled the minister the day before our wedding. When I called to confirm, he had left early on a long weekend because I had coancelled. She denied it with a dirty look and was furiouse when a friend called in a favor and I found someone lese at the least minute on Memorial Day weekend. You would think after all these years she would just accept her son is married. But she still tries to insist I am unattractive, lazy, stupid and from the wrong side of the tracks. (I lived in a better neighborhood than them, went to private schools, college, have always worked and while I do not feel I am beutiful, I know I am reasonably attractive and I know my husband thinks so.
Jeannie, the counsellor really spelled it out regarding your choices. Your A's parents really have a problem...making him promise he would not get married or have children. Boy, talk about unhealthy thinking...and the situation w the minister--unbelieveable.
I agree w the others that your children should help you make the decision. I don't know how bad it is when he is there and how that affects your children. It seems the counsellor will still help if he is allowed to come back home. Is there anyway he would continue counselling without your going? He needs the counselling regarding his parents and his marriage.
I certainly have trepidation about having him return home when he is still drinking. I would not want anyone to have to put up with an A.
Thank you for sharing your trials and tribulations with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful family. Annie
Jeannie, I am sorry you are having to deal with all this A stuff when you have some cool kids there who need you.
I know for me, it was so much easier to raise and enjoy my kids with A totally out of my life.
Then he came back and look at the bs he brought with him.
All I know is what I told you before. You seemed so much happier before this counseling thing. I am not sure what it is doing for you. Does not seem to be impressing your A any.
When I don't know which way to go, I don't go anywhere. I have been feeling back and forth about my A. Now I am not wanting to go anywhere with him. He too is at mommies house. That is where he chooses to be so he can be with her.
My A has shown me more than once how he will allow his disease to tear me up. I feel done.
You will know when ya do, until then, think about YOU and the kiddo's. Maybe a break from counseling is another option too.
I love my A too. Thats ok. Just going to tuck it away in my heart for as long as I can.
Jeannie you know I care about you and the kids. Sending you love,debilyn
Well that is a dilema, I disagree with your councelor you cannot control your husband 's relationship with his parents. Never make a husb choose between wife and mother, I believe we will loose. Until your husb is willing to see what is going on for himself there is still nothing u can do about them. Until he wants what u want and is willing to go to any length to get it nothing will change for him. The decision to take h im back into your home is yours and yours alone. don't let any one make that for you. Keep praying and listening for the answers. good luck Louise
First: You don't have to do anything but Tuesday, you can take as long as you need to decided. I agree that the counselor definetly laid out your choices and now you know them. If that counselor is putting a time limit on your decision and your not ready to make it then guess what there are other counselors. So don't put a time limit on your decision, it is a very tough one.
I got to tell you I agree with the counselor and I was told the same thing before my a totally lost control and got a DWI. I wasn't ready when I was told I needed to set limits but it was possible to set these limits and live with him. My situation was different in the way that he hadn't moved out. But I decided if he was going to stay there wouldn't be anymore drinking at my home (atleast not around myself or my kids). He has pretty much respected that, I think because it impressed him that I stood up to him and his alcohol.
Anyway, if you are confused you may not be ready to act, it is going to time for you to weigh it out and I'm sure the counselor will understand that and when and if you are ready will be there when that day comes.
If may be time to place a little more distance between you and your a, giving him an ulitmatum or just plan getting more time between phone conversations and visits. Maybe he needs to know that he won't have the best of both worlds anymore and that you have limits. It may help for him to think you are moving on with your life and it will definitely help you to find out if you even want to.
Honestly, If I was in you situation I would ask myself if maybe I am also abusing the seperation by using it to only have to deal with the good parts so to speak and then have someone to blame for the bad parts. I spent a lot of my marriage blaming my inlaws for messing up my a. They didn't love him enough, they didn't do enough with or for him, they turned their backs on him in a time they should have been agressively helping him through. Now I know that they did what they though was right and that sometimes they made the wrong choices but as a parent now i know how selfish and controlling I am with my kids, wanting the best for them and sometimes forgeting to let them think for themselves. Trying to solve their problems and enabling them (not exactly meaning to) to do things that I shouldn't. Remember that atleast for me there was a time I would buy my a beer to keep the peace and the try and get times where he was happy and fun to be around. Now I realize he doesn't need the beer for that, and he is more fun when he is free from that crutch and can think and speak intellegently and not have to repeat myself a million times or babysit him.
Anyway I guess what I am getting at is his parents may never realize what they are doing because they are his parents and want to fix everything and keep him happy.
As far as you go you need to just do what keeps you sane and as happy as possible. Take your time and don't rush into anything. It may be the best thing you ever do by cutting him loose or bringing him home but you can't make yourself sick wonder what you should do. I believe your hp will make it clear to you what needs to be done and when you do it you will feel content with your choice.
Good Luck, keep coming back and working your program.
i agree 100% with Abby. i am suspicious of a counsellor who in effect is giving ultimatums. i have heard of ending counselling when they feel they can't go any further with someone..........but this in effect is making YOU feel like the ball is in YOUR court. like you have to make the next decision about HIS sobriety. that's b.s. if he wants sober, he will get sober. with or without you. i know his parents enable him. but as long as he is willing to accept that, he will accept it at home or away.
