The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope you all enjoyed the holiday weekend. It was kind of peaceful here. The kids where coming and going, but we got a lot of work done on the yard getting ready for graduation and prom. (ouch! it snuck up so fast. I am stocking up on tissues though, as I get teary eyed thinking of it. Where did the time go, how did he grow up so darn fast?, and into such an incredible young man, in spite of everything that has gone on around him.)
Holly posted below about staying out of the A's business.
she wrote:
"So I am trying to remind myself constantly that I need to work on me. I have to be honest I am still trying to fix me so he will fix him, but I am hoping that the more I fix me the less I will be concerned about fixing him."
It goes along with how I have been thinking. I work on me, my program, my children, but the hoping and praying that he seeks recovery just looms larger.
Marriage to me is a commitment, and forever. When I said till death do us part, I meant it. I know Divorce is an option, but not for me. If I end my marriage, I am deciding to remain alone for the rest of my life. I can't justify it away, I don't condem others for moving on, but in my life and my morality for me, it is not acceptable.
So while I can decide he is gone for good, I have to keep hoping he will find a way to get better so we can have a life, so I can have a marriage.
This probably sounds so week and whiney, I know I do not need a man in my life to live, but the thought of spending the rest of my life alone is depressing, not scarey, but sad.
To me, in the eyes of God we are two parts of one, and while I cannot fix him, or make the decision for him, his choices do effect me, and the rest of my life.
I can make me stronger, and I can survive without him, and at some point maybe even thrive, but without him, I am still alone, and will remain that way.
He will not be at graduation, as my son has said if he is continuing to drink, he is not welcomed. While my parents are coming up and will be there, my son has said that his other Grandparents are not welcomed. He wants nothing from them, and does not want to see them. He says the way they have treated all of us, and mostly me is horrible and he wants nothing to do with them. I told him if he changes his mind I will understand and can accept it, but he says if Dad decides to start doing the right thing, he can come, but not Nanna and Poppop, he says they are nothing to him.
I feel a little guilty about this, as my feelings about them, have apparently rubbed off on him, but he is a big boy and sees what they do for himself. I will not go out on a limb for them and try and persuade him, as they wouldn't throw me a rope if I where drowning. (In fact they would not take their foot off my head.)
We move on without my husband, and it is all bittersweet. He hovers on the outsode, no matter what we do. His decision his choice, but it does hurt. I love him and miss him and pray and dream about a future that he is part of healthy and sober. I guess it is more of a fairytale than a dream.
Wow Jeannie, sounds like you have come to a decision you can live with. Good for you.
As for grad, It is your son's day and he has every right to say that he doesn't want his day ruined by his dad and grandparents.
We'll all be thinking of you...and your tissues...at his grad. My son is graduating too this year, and it makes me very proud to see the man that he has become.
I too have deep devotion to my vows. This devotion is tested quite often, but it how I feel as well, I feel that God has put us together for a reason and everything has its purpose. His family tells me to throw him out, I chose to just to make him stay in his garage. We all have to do what makes us comfortable.
I am concerned about your son, he sounds like he does not have a program, he needs to let go and let God take over his feelings towards his grandparents. I do not know the whole story, but it is evident he needs a program. Can you make that a gift to him this summer?
josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hi Jeannie- Reading your post made a lot of sense to me. I guess I do take the marriage vows more seriously than I believe. I do think that God/HP brought my husband and I together for a higher purpose. but here's another thing I have recognized in my struggle w/ my husband's addictions--none of us are perfect (but some are more imperfect than others --ha ha) I know that his addiction is an illness and i don't want to desert a sick person--but as my mother always says "god helps those who help themselves" I know I can't/don't want to try to fix him anymore. But honestly--my life would be harder if I left than if I stay. I work less, have more $ and the kids get regular interaction w/ their dad--even tho it is less than optimal. There's occasional sex (when he's not "sick" or I'm not pissed off) But sometimes I think it is just a facade of a perfect life and it could be SO MUCH more--but after reading here--I realize it could be so much worse too. I would like to believe that we are all like the board says "Miracles in Progress" good luck with whatever direction your HP directs you-
gknee (Jeanne)
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Jeannie I would like to invite you to read the sermon on the mount.
Jesus clearly says, we are not free from marriage unless our partner commits adultery or dies.
But I know how you feel. It also says the creator hates divorce. For me, I feel so blessed and taken care of byhp that I never want to disappoint him.
I do my best to stay married, even though at times it tears me apart. My A would never cheat. He is a moral man drunk or sober as far as that. Plus he would not try anymore as he is so dysfunctional sexually.
You are very brave. And yes I relate. Hon my daughter turned 30 yesterday. I cannot believe it. I still see my beautiful girl with ringlets to her waste sitting on her flaxin pony in her bright pink swimsuit. Just holding his mane, no saddle or reins...sigh
I still see my little cute boy with a bowl cut all muddy in his rubber ] boots overalls and sweatshirt, holding his handful of worms to me saying "nakes mom nakes!!"
Oh the things our poor A's miss. love to you Jeannie, debilyn
Somehow I don't think Jesus meant, "Even if you are abused, physically, mentally, treated with disrespect, incivility, insolence, scorn, contempt, or ill-manners." Maybe it's just me......Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
