The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I stumbled across this board online tonight. I have been married to my husband for 15 years. We met through friends and all of us used to go out to the bars/dance clubs on a regular basis back then. My husband & I started dating and it was instant attraction, within a month, we were engaged. We married less than six months later. On our honeymoon, he snapped at me out of the blue, which was very unexpected. Needless to say, the comment he made hurt me and made me wonder who he was! Years later, I found out that he and his buddies were drinking alcohol at the church, while dressing for our wedding and that he had taken some cocaine with him on our honeymoon. I was oblivious! Stupid naive me.. After we were married for less than a year, he started with verbal insults and also enjoyed putting me down in front of others. Even when I tried to tell him how hurtful it was to me, he made me believe that he was only 'joking' and that I just couldn't 'take a joke.' This went on and on. He began not only using cocaine, but started bringing home pot and hiding it. After he lost a job because he & two other coworkers were caught smoking pot while on duty, he began drinking more. He has, however, switched his 'drug of choice' to alcohol these days and I have gone from praying for him to change, to trying to get him involved with counseling (which he refuses), to screaming at him, threatening to leave him, none of which does any good. Throughout all these years, he has continued to belittle me, emotionally and verbally batter me, tells me I'm 'fat,' that our sex life sucks because I'm not capable of giving him pleasure in that regard, that I'm useless and worthless and that he was stupid to marry me in the first place, etc. etc. etc. Thing is, after he says these things to me, he can pretend he never said any of it and expects me to forget it all and says he was 'just joking' or that if I wasn't such an 'idiot' etc., he wouldn't have said it/acted like this or that.. I've never heard the words 'I'M SORRY' from him .. ever.. I have HAD IT.. I have never been so miserable. I have tried stuffing all this for years and I feel like I'm a strapped rider on a rollercoaster. We have gone through bankruptcy, had tons of financial problems, lost two homes, on top of the verbal/emotional abuse and the binge drinking he does. He 'has no problem'.. per him. It's ME that has the problem. If the sun didn't shine tomorrow, it would be MY FAULT. Everything is.. I can't do anything right, you see. He continues to tell me how he 'wouldn't HAVE to go out to the bar IF I looked (a certain way)' or "brought more cash in from my paycheck," and if I 'wasn't such a nagging bitch." etc. etc. etc. I am so sick of this. He is not at all the person I thought I was marrying.. His home away from home is his uncle's bar. He practically LIVES up there. He can leave at 11:00 in the morning (or earlier) and stay gone to the bar until closing time ( 1:00 a.m.) or later and do this 3-4 days a week, and when he's not doing that, he's up there the rest of the week 'for cards' or 'for pool' .. any excuse he can find to go and once he's up there, he's there until he 'feels' like coming home. I have given up asking him 'when' he'll be home because even if he gives me a distinct time, he can't keep it.. it'll be a good 3-4 hours AFTER that time.. and when he comes in, he stinks of booze. He has poor hygiene habits, and they're getting worse. He does NOTHING when he walks into this house. The couch has become his bed and he can sleep or lounge on it ALL DAY when he IS home. The remote and that couch are his LOVES when he's home. I feel married to an invalid who can't move off the couch.. but if one of his buddies call him from the bar, he can leap up miraculously and be gone to the bar all day and into the early morning hours the following day. I'm sick of him and I'm sick of this so-called 'marriage'.. I feel empty, abandoned and worse off than being alone and single. If I mention divorce, he threatens me, saying I'll never get any money out of him, etc. because you 'can't collect if you're dead..' He says things like this in front of our 12 and 6 year old sons. If I had money to begin a new life, I'd be GONE. I'm afraid of his threats though and honestly, these days, I don't know where the truth and the joke separate. I spend a lot of time crying and I'm truly unhappy. I don't know what to do because I can see divorce as being a very painful, drawn-out, threatening thing for me. I'm also afraid because I can see him taking off with my boys even though they'd be more burdensome for him. He LOVES his freedom and his bar time, but to get to me, I don't put anything past him. What can I do? I'm desperate here. I feel so stuck. It's like having invisible chains on my hands and feet. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want a new life for me and my boys.. and there are honestly times I wish his liver would fall out. God forgive me. ....
OH Donna you have come to the right place. Alanon is so helpful if you work the program.there are so many skills that will help you.
Believe me, you are doing exactly like we all did or do. Nothing is different . The roller coaster analogy and Jekyll and Hyde analogy are almost always used.
Alcoholism is a disease, many symptoms. It will drag you all in and make you sick.
What we learn is how to take care of ourselves. If you do 6 months of serious alanon that is when it is recommened to decide to leave or not. It is not good to make any major decisions when we are totally stressed and mixed up.
First he brings you down becuz he is so full of shame and guilt. The disease puts you don w becuz it must make itself look better.It is poison coming out of him, leave the room, go get busy on something you like to do. Do not listen to him. It is not him talking, it is the disease, it means nothing.
A great book is, "Getting Them Sober." I still read this almost every day and my book is worn out!
Please take a breath. See if you can find a face to face meeting. Look for Alanon if youdon't see it in the phone book call AA they can direct you. the meetings here in the chat room are so wonderful and helpful. You are more than welcome.
We need you too. We get stronger everytime we share with you. Plus we need reminders
Remember we can not change anyone but ourselves. Your A husband is very, very sick. It wil get worse and worse until he dies. Unless he chooses to go into a program of sobriety, it gets so awful. He will lie more, be sick more, make messes more
The best thing to do is take care of you and the kids. Start putting money away. Get a job. Plan to be able to take care of you guys yourself. I feel so much better now that I have a life of my own and his disease cannot take from me anymore.
We also can learn to hate the disease and not the person. It is very freeing. I do relate completely to what you said.
Welcome to alanon. This is a program that can really help you if you work it. I agree with everything that Debilyn said. Find some local meetings, get some literature, come to the chatroom, and keep posting. Alanon can help you to get your life back. I will look forward to meeting you on line.
I can relate. My A (alcoholic husband) and I have been married 15 years in June.
he too was verbally abusive and took every excuse to drink.
here are alanon's 3 C's I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
Even if you made money rain out of the sky your A would drink - they use any excuse.
Please find a face to face alanon meeting. The meetings on here are at 9am and 9pm in the chat room, please join us.
Living with an alcoholic is too much for most people. Alanon can help you to cope with living with the alcoholic and improve your own life. It works. I started last July and have made incredible changes to my life. Alanon teaches us that we do have choices.
welcome and keep coming back
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Your story sounds so much like mine was. Alanon can help you to get your life back.
The 'blame' thing is classic alcohlic behaviour - you don't have to fall for it. A's will do anything to have an excuse to drink, and will always find a way to take the focus off of their behaviour, and make it all your fault. This is not true, so you just don't have to listen. They will often find something with a grain of truth in it, to make us doubt ourselves. This is one of the ways that the disease makes us as sick as they are. We lose track of reality, and don't know what to believe anymore.
Please read all the Literature you can, about alanon, and about the disease of alcoholism. Once you realize that most of the behaviours which have been breaking your heart are in fact the symptoms of a disease, it is easier to get some perspective on them. Then it is possible to put your focus back where it belongs, on yourself and your boys, rather than obsessing over the A's behaviour. He will always find something to criticize about you, this is how he justifies his drinking in his own mind. Therefore, you don't have to knock yourself out trying to meet his impossible standards. If he's not home, and is out drinking, you can put your feet up and read a good book, go for a picnic with your boys, spend some time with a friend who has a positive outlook and leaves you feeling happy..... Since yelling at him about his drinking doesn't work, and isn't going to work, you can stop. That is one of the jobs that is just not yours anymore. Life does become easier when we put the responsibility for the drinking back where it belongs, and start living our own lives instead of fluttering around, helpless, at the edge of the A's.
No one here knows whether you should leave or stay in your marriage. If you read through the older posts, you will find that we have all made different choices, and you will surely gain some insight into what is best for you. Keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP. I agree with what the others have said above. I know that it is hard to egnore what the A in our life says and does but remember they are consumed by this awful disease. The disease is what is doing the talking and the walking.
C2C Jan 9
Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognise that I am doin the best I can. Today my best is good enough.
Look after you and your boys
I hope you keep comming back.
Remember the 3 C's
I didn't cause it. I can't control it. Ican't cure it.
There has been some very good suggestions in these posts. Al-Anon is a life-saving program in my book. You will learn strategies and steps to help you cope, sometimes without even realizing it. You have taken the first step, admitting you were powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanagable. Keep coming back and sharing, come to chats, go to face to face meetings in your area if you can and above all, take care of you and your boys.
whats with the 15 yr mark? I'll be married 15 yr in July. I remember a friend with a recovering A husband who said that she was not sure whether to celebrate her wedding anniversary or mourn it as a monument to long term stupidity on her part!! I laughed when she said it--but I can really relate now- and bet u can to. Welcome to this forum. It has helped steer me in good directions in my struggles to deal with a substance abusing husband. Please take great care of yourself and your boys. (i have a boy 12 and a girl 8) Come back here and vent. try online meetings. try face to face meetings. it will save your sanity and make u feel so less alone. take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Thank you all so very much for your postings. I have had a good cry this morning because it's such a relief/release to feel less alone in this. So nice to have a connection with others. It has been so hard trying to deal with all of this on my own. I have done counseling a few times in the past but because of finances, had to stop. I will look for an Al-Anon group in my area as I truly need as much support as I can, but I will continue to connect here in this forum, as well. I am sincerely grateful for all of your kind words and even though we have to connect via the internet, it still means so much to me.
My husband has been an abuser of either drugs or alcohol all his adult life, I believe, even before our marriage and having 'quit' his pot and cocaine have only submerged him deeper into the bar scene/alcohol. Any amount of trying to reason with him is useless, all the crying and heart-to-hearts have done nil. Threats don't work either or nagging and it only infuriates me and brings me down to his level, which really kills me. He is very manipulative and controlling and even when he isn't intoxicated, he still snaps at me, and the verbal/emotional abuse continues. I wish it were only when he drank, but it isn't like that here. We have said so many horrible things to each other that I believe we are staying together only by a thread. I feel abandoned when he leaves for the bar... truly abandoned. It's like I feel worthless and cannot fathom why he prefers the bar, his buddies there and the alcohol to me and our boys. It really hurts and I just hate feeling this anger, frustration and loneliness all the time. I know I have to come to the realization that nothing I do or say is going to 'save him' from himself. That's a hard thing for me because I do care about his life and our marriage/family. I feel I have to just let go and let him take his own course. I feel that he CHOOSES to leave us in favor of this lifestyle of the bar/buddies, and I have to remember that it is an ADDICTION and not take it so very personally, though that is hard for me. I find myself aching to know why he leaves and the self-doubt comes in. I wonder, my God, am I truly miserable to live with? am I so very ugly to him? what is it?? Deep down, I know that this is something that is consuming him that I have no control over. Believe me, I have tried so many times to TAKE control of all of this but to no avail.
I know I need to let it not hurt me so when he jumps off the couch, gets dressed for a new day at the bar. It's HIS disease and I can't cure him. It's really frustrating to see him slowly kill himself and our marriage/family at the same time. I feel so numb sometimes. I think about my boys, ages 12 & 6, who love their daddy and I fear that they will learn his behaviors and, by poor example on his part, become like him. I pray that doesn't happen... they are my first concern as far as that goes. I also would like MY OWN LIFE back. I feel so imprisoned and pulled down by this.
Anyway, I didn't want to go on and on and on in this reply but I do want to say that you've helped me connect and find a place where I know others understand, have been through it. It helps so much to make that connection so I don't have to feel so alone in this.
our motto in my sons' wrestling program is "pain is just weakness leaving the body" I feel the same way about crying. Glad you found us and keep coming back!
josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
As you can see, there are a lot of wonderful people here who understand exactly where you're at and where you're coming from!
My personal belief is that when our A's (alcoholics) run us down, it is because deep deep down inside, they have such a low opinion of themselves, they run us down to make them look better, in their book anyway.
I can see you have very low self-esteem, been there.. through the great program of Alanon, you will learn to not only like yourself, but actually love yourself. Read as much Alanon literature as you can get your hands on. The real breakthrough for me was learning about Alcholism and understanding it so much more.
Try to get to face-to-face meetings if you can. If it's not possible, coming here will help you tremendesly (sp?) When I started coming here, I was in much the same condition you are, sooo desperate!
My ex-husband sounds like your husband's twin, and he didn't drink!!( Although he was an adult child of alcoholics.) I knew absolutly nothing about alcoholics when I was with him. Knowing what I know now, I can see how he was so affected by alcoholism, it was like living a dry drunk, all the symptoms without the alcohol.
Welcome to MIP, we are all Miracles in Progress!! Keep coming back, Love TLC
