The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, all, please tell me how you love the A when he is actively drinking? I have been with him for about 35 years and out of those years, 15 were sober years. I really don't think I love him anymore. I am angry because he won't stop destroying himself. Yes, I do take care of me. I have set boundaries--
He goes to the bar, comes home and sleeps, and then goes back to the bar--day after day. If and when I do see him before he goes out the back door to the bar, we are pleasant to each other.
I am frustrated because he doesn't try to help himself. I think I have detached--but have I detached too much? Of course, if and when he is sober (maybe for a day), my love for him is back...but those times are so few. I just can't love him because of his choices...loving the A and not the disease just doesn't seem to work for me. I believe I am numb. I just am not good at accepting this--I want a healthy life and family that is healthy...my son asked me why I put up with it--that life has so much more to offer--How do you do it? Annie
That's a really good question. I thought I hated my husband but when he came back from rehab I realized that I don't hate him but hate the things he was doing. In fact, I realized how much I loved and missed him. I missed him so much and didn't even realize it until he got home. Not much of an answer, but I know how you feel.
How did I do it? For me and only me, I dug deeper into my own program. I read CAL literature and all sorts of helping material until I was practically blind, I spoke with my sponsor daily, I wrote volumes in my journal, I went to every meeting I could, sometimes two a day, I meditated and prayed and cried. Sure I escaped into the Program, but with that escape came learning and caring from those around me. I had gained new tools to work with. Acceptance & gratitude & forgiveness.
I remember when I went to his first open meeting and openly admitted that he was an addict/alcoholic ... the tears rolled down my face. For me admitting the reality of the situation was my first step in healing. Then came acceptance and later forgiveness. None of this is going to happen all at once. It took a long time for me to get as sick as I was, so little by little I work on gettting better ODAT. This is a life long journey and I wish you well on the road you travel.
Sounds like my situation when my A was in his heavy crack phase. He was no longer abusive, in fact he was quite pleasant to be around - he was just not 'there'. The man I had known and loved was just drifting further and further out to sea, almost out of sight. I don't know if what I felt for him at that time was love, it was more just a large sadness and weariness. He was killing himself slowly, and I couldn't even really feel grief - I was just glad he wasn't taking us all with him, as he had been when he was abusive. Then he sobered up, and I couldn't believe it - the man I had loved had been there all the time, suffering under his addiction. He had been in enormous pain, but had been hiding it, drowning in a sea of drugs and booze. Now I find that the scars from twenty years of living with his addictions prevent me from sometimes loving him the way I want to. I'm surprised, though, sometimes, by flashes of real true love. We have gone through so much together, and I know that even though we are both so badly wounded, we are there for each other in our way.
All I can offer you are the same old alanon truths - you need to do what is best for you, leave him to his HP. If you want to leave, and see if there is some chance of real happiness out there for you, you have the right to do that. If you want to stay, you can find joy in life, even without the love you would like to feel for your husband. Examine your heart, follow your dreams, and trust your HP.
Hi Annie. There is no reason at all why you have to love your A. If his inability to control his alcoholism has cost him your love, well, there it is. Feel no guilt. If it is your wish to go on with your life without him, that is fully understandable. I love my A (husband) but if he drinks again, he's gone, and fact is, I love him less since I discovered he is an alcoholic. I will never fully trust him again...ever! Unconditional love is not a part of my soul, except for my children. I cannot love that which is uncontrolled, nasty, and uncaring. You cannot be expected to either.
I know my answer has wandered here and there, but maybe that's what being with an A is all about. Live your life for yourself, and allow his hp to take care of him. I wish every good thing for you. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Annie...well I'm not sure I do it. I, too feel numb, like my heart no longer works on the love function (for him). Right now, I'm just trying to stay in the marriage, and find my happiness in myself, and to love myself.
All the response you've received here is just so wonderful...and I can't add to it...just wanted to thank you for sharing. When you give, you help others such as me. Thank you. G
Well....I guess I am seasoned in this falling out of love with my spouse. I did once before due to drinking--then he had 10 years sobriety. I found my way back to loving him in sobriety, and each working a program.
Then, he did pick up and drink again-------I fell out of love with him again. Just when I said I had, had enough, and enough's enough---and I thought to myself, I have loved him strong for 24+ years, (and maybe only love left is that he fathered our four children), was when, of course, he went back to AA !
I've been working my program for over 2 years this time, he 4 months, and we are sorting it all out again. He has to earn his trust back.
But for me....loving an actively drinking A lasts about as long as I can take it. Then I seem to stop loving. After a while, it's I love you....but my mental health is more important !
Well I guess I did detach too. I jsut wanted to tell you to give yourself an "attachment test". Two days before I left for the last time I realized that I had detached to the point that I was not feeling any joy in my life either! I realized that there was a wall up ALL around me , protecting me from all the hurt, anger and fear. The wall was also preventing me from loving my kids to the fullest. Preventing me from taking care of me. When I saw this in my life, I was done with him. Nothing could ever bring me back to him. He is still drunk after 25 yrs. Good luck with this and be careful with it.
